


If Only She Knew

by Zirijava



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Babies, Bottoming, Cheating Harry, Confused Harry, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Gay Sex, M/M, Oral Sex, Orphanage, Topping, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 14:15:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 56,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6156241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zirijava/pseuds/Zirijava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be the biggest day in Harry Potter’s life, the day he would marry the woman of his dreams, but it all fell apart after one glance at the caterer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N) Hello, hello. So I have decided to share this story with everyone out there since I got positive responses for my Dralloween fic ”Six Things MacGonagall Changed”. I have planned to post one chapter every Friday, could be between 00.01 and 23.59 but I’m trying to keep it on mid-day. 
> 
> The story is written from Harry’s POV, I have yet to decide if I shall do one from Draco’s, if you want me too then I might, otherwise it’s Harry’s story.
> 
> ”If Only She Knew” is a Muggle AU.
> 
> Characters belong to J.K Rowling.
> 
> Summary: It was supposed to be the biggest day in Harry Potter’s life, the day he would marry the woman of his dreams, but it all fell apart after one glance at the caterer.

Chapter 1

 

 

 

 

Someone once told me that finding love would feel like falling into an endless pit of lava. A content warmth and tingling you just can’t get rid of. That everything that happens after you look into her eyes that first time proves you were destined to fall from the start. 

I just never understood how lava could feel like a ”content warmth”.

When my best mate Ron Weasley introduced me to my girl all those years ago, I didn’t know from the beginning, but it crept on like a shadow growing larger and larger until, five years ago, it made me realise what had been in front of me for all this time. 

She told me she had been waiting _years_ for me to get the drift and ask her out. Her name was Ginny Weasley and yes she was related to my best mate. She is his sister.

Ron took it better than I thought he would. He told me that he always imagined me as a part of his family and now we would just seal the deal. So to speak.

”Are you nervous”, a voice to my left asked me. I looked at him. Ron stood beside me, wearing a black suit with a scarlettred tie and an equally red flower in his chestpocket.

Ron smiled at me, a bit nervously.

”No”, I responded. I wasn’t feeling nervous in the slightest. It was as if my whole life had lead me to this point and the road had been even all the way.

”Well that makes one of us”, Ron said. His forehead was glistening in the church light and his eyes were resting on the entrancedoor.

”Do you reckon they’ll come soon?” I asked, looking around the church to see all the redheads sitting on the left side and an almost abondoned right side.

All Weasley’s are redheads and they are quite a large family so some of them were taking spots on the groom’s, that’s me, side. Since I don’t have any living relatives, apart from an aunt, uncle and cousin of which I’d rather not speak, all of mine and Ginny’s mutual friends took to sitting on ”my” side of the church.

”First I think they'd have to start playing the music”, Ron replied with a smirk, causing me to roll my eyes.

”Oh, shut your trap”, I said and hit him playfully on his upper arm. He grinned.

I had met Ron on the bus on my first schoolday to this boarding school on England’s countryside. He told me all of his family had went there for generations and it was only due to traditions that he too went. I, on the other side, went because my aunt and uncle didn’t want me in the house if they didn’t have too. I was glad to leave.

”Don’t let me cock this up, mate”, Ron said, his voice tight with nerves and I turned to face him again.

”Don’t let _you_ cock this up?”

”Hermione says I always cock things up”, he responsed and I laughed.

Hermione was in our class in school, it took a while for us, espescially Ron, to warm up to her but now the three of us are inseperable. Apart from when Ron and Hermione want to have some ”alone time” just so they can ”work on their relationship”. Then I’m out. I’m still waiting for Ron to propose, it was almost two years ago that I followed him into the jeweller to buy the damn ring.

Someone swore somewhere at the front of the church, by the entrance and, almost by reflex, my whole head snapped to look at the source but I didn’t anticipate the way everything would change.

A man stood at the right side of the entrance with welcome drinks and appetizers. He was pale, almost shining in the light from the candlelights. His almost white blonde hair was slicked back from his angular face, highlighting his pointy nose as well as his eyes.

Grey pools met mine curiously.

 _Shit_.

I wondered what he’s thinking about the groom at his wedding staring at him as if he were standing at a stage for everyone to see. His eyes were so deep, though. I didn’t know what it was or how long it lasted, it was just such an odd occurence.

For a split second I could swear he almost smiled at me, but I’m pretty sure he didn't, though. We just looked, _stared_ at each other until I heard a sharp voice to my left.

”Here they are”, Ron said in relief, waking me up from my thoughts and I broke eyecontact with the stranger and looked to the entrance.

Ron was right,

First in came the bridesmaids in lovely turquoise dresses but I hardly even looked at since my eyes wanted to rest somewhere else.

Somewhere that was no longer there.

I didn’t understand why I felt a little disappointed by that knowledge. And how the _fuck_ did I not hear the music start before? It was so loud I swore it almost punded in my ears with every key played. No one else seemed too bothered, though, so I didn't complain.

”And in come the bride”, Ron muttered to himself and I shook my head free of thoughts to look at my future wife.

An easy smile curved my lips as I watched her walk down the aisle, her arm held tightly onto her father’s as if she’d fall any second. Her white dress ended by her ankles, showing off the white high-heels she was wearing.

Arthur, my soon-to-be father-in-law, let go off his daughter, kissed her on her forehead and then steppade out of my focus as Ginny took the last couple of steps up the aisle to stand in front of me.

And so it began.

***

We had retreated after the ceremony, and too many bloody photographs for my liking, to the Weasley family’s cottage where a big tent was made and furnished.

The Weasley cottage had a wonderful, large backyard which was perfect for the rest of the celebration involving food and music.

The speeches are the only thing left, but we decided to save those for last, an idea I for one was happy for.

All of mine and Ginny’s mutual friends from boarding school came up to us as fast as we arrived at the cottage to give us their blessings or just gossip about this or that.

”Call me tomorrow and tell me just how much better sex are after marriage, mate”, Dean had said and winked at me. I blushed a terrible shade of red, I assumed, while Ron growled and put his hands over his ears muttering ”don’t talk about sex with my sister with me present, eh!” causing the rest of us to either laugh or giggle. Or, in Seamus’s case, both.

Some of the guests had retreated back to their own places but most had sticked around with us for the food, dancing and the speeches.

The food was, if I say so myself, delicious! I was a little taken aback by the thrill I felt as I saw that blonde head by the longtable set for the catering by one of the tents walls.

”I’m just going to go get something to eat”, I told Ginny, giving her a quick peck on her cheek before I strode off to the opposite wall.

The man didn't see me coming as he prepared another plate of something that looked like a sandwich with some filling and shrimps with his back to me.

”What is in that one?” I asked and pointed at a random sandwich in front of me. I can tell I took him by surprise as he jumped just slightly setting an olive out of place on the sandwich he was working on.

”It’s potatosalat and roastbeef”, he responsed not taking his eyes off the task at his hands. Quite literally.

Without a second of hesitance I grabbed the plate with the sandwich, took hold of said sandwich in one hand and took a large bite of it.

”Mm, it’s delicious”, I said with a mouthful of potatosalat and I felt some of the sauce dripping down from one corner of my mouth. I don’t think I sounded as coherent as I hoped. _Pathetic_.

He smirked, still not looking away from the second olive he’s trying to place as if they have some certain, secret pattern us mortals don’t know of.

”Good, I’ll tell the cook that when I see him tomorrow”, he responded, smirk growing and then he glanced at me causing me to blush.

I swallowed.

A second later the man was satisfied with the look of the sandwich and turned full body to me.

”It would be painfully uncivilised of me to not grant you my best wishes on your big day, as I am but your humble servant”, the man said, smirk still in place. I snorted.

”And it would be _equally uncivilised_ if I… You know what, I’m not going to finish that sentence. It makes me feel as if we’re a part of some Shakespeare-play”.

”What if we are?” the man asked with a look of curiosity written all over his face.

I didn't answer that, I mean _how_ can you answer that?

”I’m Harry, by the way”, I said and set the plate down on the table to offer my hand. He just eyed it for a while that felt like an eternity.

”I’m Draco”, he responded, taking my hand in his and giving it a firm handshake. I took an extra second on me before I let the hand go and shoved them both in my pockets.

”Well… good luck in the future with your wife, may you have a wonderful and happy life together, etcetera, etcetera. I believe the speeches are about to start, if the way they are fixing the microphones over there is anything to go by”, he said, nodding to one of the shortsides where Arthur and Molly, Ginny’s parents, were setting up a microphone by the head table.

 _Fuck_.

”Well… thanks for the sandwich. And everything else too, of course. Draco”, I said nodded once and then I strode to the headtable as Molly announced ”time for speeches”. 

***

Ron basically stuttered through his whole bestman-speech and I could feel his nerves radiating from his body to mine. So when it was time for my speech I was lightly sweating.

I later realised that I had nothing to be nervlus about. It didn’t matter what I said everyone either laughed or fried at my words. Or maybe it was the story I told them that did just that.

I told them about the time that I took Ginny out on our first date, how much like the movies, the fairytales, it had been. The cloudless, blue sky with a sun shining so bright it could’ve blinded us. How we balked in the park, holding hands and the streetartist played on his guitar while we walked by.

Ginny in her summerdress with a million flowers on it, and me in casual denim and a white t-shirt.

When I told them about our first kiss that evening all the guests had laughed at Ron’s facial expression.

And I did too.

When my speech was done Ginny and I was taken to our small flat by a taxidriver.

We went in to change quickly before we had to go back to the taxi with our bags to take us to the airport.

On our way down to the taxi Ginny stopped for a second in the stairs, turned to look at me and smiled the most stunning smile she had ever worn.

”I love you Mr Potter”, she said, bent towards me and kissed me softly on the lips.

”And I love you, Mrs Potter”, I grinned.

For once my life wasn’t complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

  

Pukhet was not as expected.

I know Hermione warned me about the amount of tourists there would be but I didn’t think for a second that it would be like _this_.

Ginny really wanted to go to Thailand and I didn’t want to disappoint her since this would be the loveliest holiday we would ever have. Honeymoon.

My _wife_ wasn’t the one who was a bit disappointed. I was.

I hadn’t anticipated the amount of times Ginny and I would pass a corner to have someone yell in English after us and some even asked us where we’re from. I ignored them. Ginny liked it a bit more to have people noticing us but I really didn’t like. I just wanted to run and hide away from the attention.

Ginny was bubbling with energy because of all the poeple and the big market with all the different and colourful things.

”What do you think about this one to Ron?” she asked, holding up a metal wristwatch in silver. The word ”Frada” spelled in golden letters at the watch’s center. Interesting how it’s called ”Frada” and is most certainly a fraud.

I eyed it for a moment before I nodded. ”Yeah, okay”. I mostly just walked around picking up odd objects, turning them over in my hand and then putting them down again, shoving my hands down my shorts pockets.

Thailand wasn’t warm. It was _roasting_. We had been here just three days before Ginny was glowing red, I’ve never been happier for my already tanned skin. Unfortunately it didn’t make me immune.

We were staying at a Hotel with walking distance to the sea. It was a white stone building with a large pool just outside. Which was a bit odd since the sea was practically just a minute walk from there.

I knew I shouldn’t complain. Ginny was looking so happy walking around in the city. I couldn’t take that form her. Even though this is our Honeymoon she only has the days to enjoy it. Every night after dinner she’d disappear for an evening jog.

She was a football player and her coach wanted her team to reach the top league so he told her that she had to keep exercising whilst on her Honeymoon. The weekend were free though.

”Harry, I’m going out now”, Ginny said as she left our bedroom at the hotel suite dressed in her sportswear with the teams logo on her chest. She turned gleaming brown eyes to mine where I sat on the sofa in the living room. ”And please tell me you won’t stay in all the time”, she said and tilted her head to the side. ”Can’t you go out and get a drink or dance, I’ve heard Phuket has some fun night-life places. Maybe if you drag enough attention you might make it to the front page.” Ginny winked at me.

I gave her a pointy look but considered it in my head. ”Fine”, I said and she beamed at me. ”But not the front page thing, I’m really not that desperate for attention, you know.” Ginny came towards me and gave my cheek a little peck before she went for the door.

”Don’t wait up”, she said and then she was gone. And I was alone.

The living room wasn’t too big nor too small, it was like the average room. The walls were bright colours and the roof was lightbrown, matching the sofa. The sofa was the first thing you’d notice when you would enter the suite. It was big enough for three people and it faced the telly which had just as many channels as Switzerland has coasts 

Deciding I would not stay in tonight I went for the bedroom to change. I had felt a chill creeping on for the last couple of minutes and the sun has almost passed the horizon by time Ginny had left so I decided to put on something warmer.

The bedroom was small, furnished only with a king-sized bed and two suitcases by its gabel. It was painted in the very same colours as the livingroom. Over the bed hung a painting of a lion and a lioness, the lioness was curled on her side next to the lion and one of her paws was laid atop of his. The lion was looking right at me, as if he could _see_ me. Trust me I know how wicked that sounds but I’m not lying here. It was almost creepy how those big, brown orbs seemed to look inside my soul.

As if they _knew_ something that I didn’t. Creepy, _I know_.

It was just a painting, I told myself. Just a creepy old painting. Nothing to worry about.

I quickly got dressed in denim trousers and a blue and black plaid shirt before I left for the world outside.

Maybe I should have considered going out alone earlier. It felt a bit freer going out, chatting to strangers and drinking a Singha-beer.

A man by the bar had looked down at the golden ring on my finger –my wedding ring– and then looked up at me once again. I couldn’t tell if he was a tourist or not, well I don’t think so at least because of his accent.

”What does your wife do?” he asked in almost perfect english.

"Soccer", responded I and took another sip of my Singha, thinking the man would most plausibly understand if I said the american term instead of causing a missunderstanding my saying the english one. Most people I've met here have been more accustomed to the United States than Great Britain if the starry flags they sell in the markets is anything to go by.

” _Sucker_ ”, he spluttered, flabbergasted and stared at me with a slight smirk on his face, showing slightly yellow teeth.

”That too”, I said with a dreamy look. I always prefered oral sex with Ginny, I don’t know why but the mere thought of having my cock in her mouth sent more thrills down my spine than her vagina ever did. Maybe it’s the same for all guys, I don’t know.

Ron had warned me that some of the most beautiful women at the nightclubs in Thailand would actually be men. When I sat by the bar and looked around I realised that if someone looked that good I wouldn’t care if it turned out to be a man or not. Maybe there was something almost exciting about that? You know, trying the ”other sort”, tasting the ”other flavour”. A man would know exactly what a man liked, exactly what button to press to make them groan.

Well, I wouldn’t know, since I’ve never been with a man.

Does it actually matter when it comes down to it, though? Like if Ginny’ll tell me she is actually a man on the inside and wants to do a transition, would it matter to me? Would I love her less? Would it make the sex akward or even hotter?

Wow! Look at me, sitting alone, with a half hard cock at a bar in Pukhet on my Honeymoon thinking about having sex with my wife-turned-husband. I’m not saying anything would be wrong with it, to be honest sometimes she’s more the man in our relationship that I wouldn’t be that surprised.

Okay. I really should go back to the hotel and sleep because I wouldn’t have these thoughts if I were rested and alert. Or sober.

The last days of our Honeymoon was rather nice. We went on a trip by boat with other tourists to make a full-day out on some of the islands. On one of the islands –I don’t remember the name, sorry– there were carnivorous fishes. I’m not even joking here! Ginny had brought some sandwiches for us to eat but she picked out crumbs from them to throw to the fishes. They fought each other to get the crumb as if they haven’t eaten for days.

Considering the amounts of food the american pair dumped in the sea, they are better off than most people on the globe. Funny how we rather give it to some foreign fish than to actual human beings?

Well, as I said earlier, the fishes were carnivorous. I was swimming with Ginny, peacefully until I felt something pinch me, so I pinched Ginny.

”Stop pinching me!” she squeled and I laughed.

”I will, when you do, too!”

The pinching didn’t stop so I swam away from her a bit so that we had a distance between us.

The look on her face was one of schock as she stared just beneath me. And then I followed her gaze.

Panic took over my body as I swam like a penguin to the beach. I could feel the whole pack following me with all their might to the beach. When I reached the beach I leapt out of the water and straight to our little sanctuary by a couple of rocks by the side, close to a hill.

Ginny was laughing so hard at me I glared knives at her. ”Oh shut up” I said, making her laugh even more. She went up from the water and went towards me, still giggling.

I smiled at her and she shook her head atme.

”You, silly idiot”, she said in a manner that made my chest tighten. She stepped towards me and kissed me softly. ”I’m married to an idiot”, she said with a dramatic sigh and I pushed her away half-heartedly.

”Oh, shut your trap”, I responded, glaring at her half-heartedly, once again.

***

The ride home to London wasn’t a comfortable ride. Mostly because the boy sat next to me got sick and… Well, I’m sure you don’t want to hear the rest of it. I wish I didn’t.

It took around twelve hours to arrive back in England, another hour to get our suitcases and find my car. The sun was going down by the time we reached our street. We lived in a one floor terraced house. The house was comfortably small with an even smaller backyard. The estate agent we talked to before buying it had ensured us that this neighbourhood was great for families with young children.

Ginny had spoken about children a lot lately but I didn’t know why I didn’t feel as up for the idea as I should. I’ve always wanted a family of my own, giving my children the childhood I didn’t have. Maybe it’s selfish of me to want children for that reason and I agree that it is. It’s not the full story though, I love children and I actually don’t care if my kids will look like me or not, no matter how much that rumour is going about. I’d still love them. I do love children even though they sometimes can be a bit annoying. A lot annoying at times, actually. That much I’ve learned from the kids on the street and on the plane.

So here I was, in the driveway to me and my wife’s house in the child-friendly neighbourhood contemplating having kids or not. So far my life has been pretty much planned out. Both by myself and people around me. It was always expected of Ginny and I to get together and get married, have three kids, a house and a dog. Maybe not the dog.

We worked so well together, you know. The road hasn’t been bumpy at all, it has been even. The only rock that’s been on the road was the time she was together with my classmate Dean. I remember how jealous I was whenever I saw them kiss. Now that she belonged to me everything seemed good. I mean it _is_ all good, but you know sometimes it feels boring, living day in and day out without a challenge. Without rocks. We don’t argue much, we’re both stubborn and I don’t why but she often let’s me down almost _too_ easily, if you know what I mean.

When we argued in the beginning of our relationship it was about work. Ginny’s work. She spent a lot of time practising and sometimes she was away for days on tournaments and matches. She had wanted me to go with her but I told her I couldn’t just leave my job, and in the end that’s what happend. Ginny lived her life and I lived mine and then when we’re both home we live them together. It may not have been ideal but it was working for us.

”Are you going to get out today”, Ginny teased and when I looked to my left I saw that she had already left the car and crouched outside the car with an eyebrow raised. I immediately took out the carkeys and prepared to leave the car.

When I was out of the car I met Ginny by its front, she pulled her arm around mine and we walked towards the house in a comfortable silence. Just as we stepped into our house, we stepped into a home that smelled just like Molly’s cooking.

It actually _was_ Molly’s cooking.

”Oh, hello dear”, Molly said as she stepped into the hallway to greet us. She was wearing a knitted dress in yarn of every existing colour. Her red hair was pulled back in a bun on the back of her head and her eyes were glowing.

”Mum, what are you doing here?” Ginny asked schocked, staring at Molly for a second before hastily going to her to give her a tight hug while I stood akwardly in the doorway looking at my wife and my mother-in-law.

Will I ever get used to this?

Molly has always been a strong mother-figure in my life since me and Ron became roommates on a boarding school. Ron had told Molly all about how I had it at home with my aunt and uncle.

The Dursleys were the only family I had left. I had contemplated inviting them to my wedding but decided against it. They were never kind to me. Aunt Petunia and uncle Vernon held some kind of grudges to my parents and never spoke a kind word about them. My uncle had told me when I was younger that they had died in a car accident when I was just a baby and their lawyers had dumped me on their doorsteps. All because they were my only living relatives.

I used to wish my parents had sent me to someone else, someone caring. I’ve spent some nights wondering who my parents were since they left me with the Dursleys. I let go of the questions a long time ago, I’d never know. My aunt, uncle and cousin were the only ones left. At least until the Weasley’s came around to take care of me 

The Weasleys had taken me in as their own. They fed me until I couldn’t walk up the stairs to my best mate’s, Ron’s room. I was quite starved at my uncle’s and aunt’s so when I started the boarding school I was quite skinny. At the shool I had my first full meal all to myself, my cousin Dudley always got my plate when he finished. I’m still a bit sensitive to sharing my plate with someone after having Dudley breathing down my neck my whole childhood.

”I have prepared some dinner for you. Come on now”, Molly said and waved towards the dining room. ”Oh, Harry, dear, you look like you could use a meal” she added and then went into the room that radiated aroma and smelling so deliciously that I felt like it could just pick me up and fly me in there to envelope me in it 

Ginny and I hung off our jackets and then she looked at me with searching eyes, almost to ask for my permission. I didn’t understand what for.

We went together into the dining room. Ginny muttered a ”I’m _starving_ ” before sitting down, making her dad, Arthur, chuckle. I took the seat next to her and opposite Molly. Before us were a potato gratin, some roast beef, a pepper sauce and a salat with Molly Weasley’s famous secret recipe dressing.

Molly started asking questions about our Honeymoon and how we found Thailand. Ginny told her about the fishes. I told them about the tourists and markets.

”But how was the weather, may I ask? Was it too hot? Did you sunburn you’re pretty faces?” Molly asked looking at every patch of visible skin in search of sunburns.

I shook my head. ” No, we were quite prepared for that. Well, after the first couple of days Ginny got almost as red as her hair”. That is saying _a lot_. ”And I got a bit burned as well but towards the end of the holiday it was perfectly healed”, I lied. It was not _perfectly_ healed. But they didn’t have to know that I won’t be wearing tight shirts for a while now. My shoulders and lower back are still sore and peeling. Don’t even get me started on my hips! I blame those swimming shorts for the very appealing tan I’ll have. I will just have to stay away from the showers at work for a while.

I cut a pice of the roast beef, picking up with a bit of the gratin and then some sauce and all but shoved it into my mouth. The different tastes didn’t even fight for domination on my tongue, they just calmly melted together creating a taste that made my mouth water just a bit more. I closed my eyes softly and chewed, savouring every bit on my tongue as if I would never taste anything like it ever again. I sighed contentedly when I swallowed, opening my eyes to a _very_ welcoming plate before me.

”How are our grandchildren coming along?” Molly asked, making me cough.

Ginny turned her head to me as if she _also_ wanted to hear about our future children from _me_. As if it only takes one to make a child.

”We haven’t really talked about it much”, Ginny said and snatched a piece of roastbeef from my plate, making me stiffen before she turned back to her own plate. 

I made a sigh of relief, both because I wasn’t comfortable having someone take _my_ food because of Dudley, but also because speaking about my, _our_ , sex life, even if it was about child-making, was still quite unnerving with Molly and Arthur. They have been like the parents I never had and the Weasley’s have become my family. What if they see Ginny and me like incest because we almost grew up together? That’s one disturbing thought…

”What are you waiting for?” Molly asked. ”To get even more settled than you already are?”

Ginny turned her head to me, raising an eyebrow in challenge and I found myself speechless and feeling awkward. In this situation the only thing that I wanted was to escape to our bedroom or to the shower.

On second thought the shower doesn’t feel like the best option because of skin in certain exposed areas.

”I don’t feel like I’m ready to have kids yet”, I answered and the three redheads looked at me as if my nose just grew larger .

”What do you mean you’re not ready?” Arthur asked calmly and bent forwards over his plate. Just as I opened my mouth to respond something I had not yet thought through, the doorbell rang.

Saved by the bloody bell.

I jumped out of my chair, feeling the interruption welcoming and strode towards the hallway. It was a small space, nothing big, really. It was just a place to have shoes and hang off your jackets when you enter. The tapestry on the walls were light brown, almost beige with small flowers as detail in dark blue and red.

The door was dark in contrast to the light walls. I walked towards it, feeling a wicked urge to kiss whoever is on the other side of the door for saving my arse.

I pressed down the door handle and carefully opened up to show who my visitor were.

 _Visitors_ , I corrected myself when I found myself face to face with two men looking to be around 20 years my senior. One of them had dark hair and stunning grey eyes, reminding me vaguely of something. The man was quite handsome, his features were well defined and looked newly shaved. He smelled as aftershave and sweat. 

The other man had light brown hair with hazelgreen, friendly eyes. His hair was short but styled to the side while the other man’s hair was a dark mess almost reaching down to his shoulders, which brought out his eyes. The dark haired man wore a _leatherjacket_. Not just a jacket with fake-leather but from the looks of it, real leather. Hermione would have had something to say about that, working for animal-care and all, she sees leatherjackets as a ”fashion shame”. It doesn’t matter if the cows or pigs, or whatever they’re made of, haven’t been badly treated.

”How would you like to have _your_ skin as a purse?” she had said whenever the discussion started. And, knowing Hermione, she could go on for hours about the animals and no one wants to be in an argument with Hermione if she’s passionate about the subject. She’s great about her work, I’m not saying she’s not, I just mean that sometimes she can be overly ambitious. Which is good for her, it’s just not fun to hear the same bloody argument again and again and again.

”Are you Mr Potter”, the light haired man asked me with a very well contained curiosity and an extremely friendly face. If that man would ask me for a cup of tea in the middle of the savanna I’d obey.

I looked them over once more, wondering if I’ve ever met them before. There was something about the pair of them that seemes familiar, maybe they’re my neighbours. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were, it’s a long street with a lot of faces and names I can’t even dream of remembering.

”Of course it’s him, Remus. You can tell just by looking at the boy!” the dark haired man said and _Remus_ scowled at him but just as he was about to say something that looked to be quite harsh I decided to interrupt.

”Yes, I am him. What can I help you with?” The two of them stared at me as if they’ve seen a ghost.

” _Jesus_ ”, the dark haired man whispered.

”I’m not him actually, no matter how much my wife seems to call me that”, I joked with an easy smile curving my lips. I had heard that same joke on a TV-show a time ago and wanted to test it on someone and these two men seemed to be the lucky ones.

Or _unlucky_ ones… If you can by the their sudden change in demeanour.

” _That’s not the kind of thing you tell strangers, Harry._ ” A voice that sounded very much like a mixture of both Ginny and Hermione said in my head. _Duly noted_.

”So, what can I help you with?” I asked them when their stares started giving me the creeps and the awkward silence making it seem almost unbearable.

Remus coughed a little and then put his arm around the handsome, dark haired man to pull him forwards a bit towards me. The light from behind me lighted up his face beautifully, making him seem a couple of years younger. Which was hard to determine how young he looked since I didn’t know his age in the first place.

”We knew your parents. I’m Remus and this is Sirius”, Remus began and I saw nervousness flicker behind the grey eyes of the dark haired man. 

"Your Godfather", he added.


	3. Chaper 3

Chapter 3

 

 

I was seated in the armchair in the living room. The fire was crackling before me and I was staring into the flames. Two men was standing next to it and the silence was tense and awkward. One of them had light hair styled to the side, bringing out his hazeleyes. He was wearing a brown knitted cardigan and dark trousers. The other man had dark brown hair that almost reached his shoulders in a curly mess. The dark haired man was wearing a dark purple and white striped shirt with the shirtsleeves rolled up a bit towards his elbows.

They had left their jackets when Molly had come to the door and invited them in. Apparently we were expecting the two men. Remus and Sirius, the light haired man, Remus, had introduced them as.

_”We knew your parents. I’m Remus and this is Sirius, your Godfather.”_

I had a Godfather.

Molly must have seen the state I was in when she went to greet the visitors and helped me to the armchair I’m occupying at the moment.

”What did you say again?” I asked them, still staring into the fire.

”We knew your parents. I’m Remus and this is Sirius, your Godfather”, Remus repeated for the umptienth time. The question that kept playing in the back of my head went into repeat, as if wanting me to know the answer, I was just not certain if I was going to like what I was going to hear or not. I decided if I’d never know, I’d keep wondering.

”Why are you here now? Where have you been all this time? Why did I not know? Why…” the questions fell out of my mouth as if it was a waterfall of questions wanting out, but I had to restrain myself.

I risked a glance at the two men who now looked at each other with what looked like sorrowful and regretful eyes before turning them to me.

”We are well aware that we’ve missed a lot, you’re dad wanted us to have custody of you but the lawyers was against it. They said it wasn’t fitting for the likes of us-”, Sirius began and waved a hand between himself and Remus. ”-to raise a child”, he finished and swallowed, looking back to Remus who offered him a small smile.

”And why not?”

They turned their attention back to me and looked slightly uncomfortable. Remus and Sirius opened their mouths at the same time before closing them, once again looking at one another. ”The boy deserves to know”, Sirius said and Remus nodded once before turning back to me.

”At the time of your parents _accident_ same-sex couples weren’t allowed to raise children”, Remus answered matter-of-factly.

”And you mean to say that you’re…?” I asked and the two men nodded stiffly. I laughed a bit before shaking my head.

”I’m sorry but I really don’t care about that”, I answered and smiled my most reassuring smile at them. ”So are you going to tell me why you’re here _now_?” I asked again.

”We want to get to know you. You’re dad was our best mate, he’d want us to get to know you, the man you’ve become, and if you want to we can tell you about them. You’re mom and dad, I mean”, Sirius had come towards me and was kneeling by my side as he spoke.

”When my family cut me off your dad was the only one I had, his family took me in as their own. He was like a brother to me”, Sirius continued and I smiled at that.

His grey eyes were hopeful, gleaming with memories I’d want nothing more than to know of. It was a chance for me to find out who my parents were. Who I _am_. They can help me find that peice I’ve been missing my whole life. The _what if_. Maybe finding out who my parents were will make it worse, considering the fact it will never happen.

But at least it’s something.

”I’d like that”, I decided. ”Get to know you, and my parents”. There was so much I didn’t know. Would they be proud to know what I’ve become? Would they approve of Ginny? Would they approve of me?

But the question I wanted to know most of all was: were the Dursleys telling the truth about them?

Sirius put his hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before standing up again. Remus came towards me to stand next to Sirius who pulled his arm around his waist.

”Are you free tomorrow?” Remus asked. ”Maybe you’d like to eat lunch, maybe about 11 in the morning, with us and we can talk more then. We know this nice little cafe where we can eat without being disturbed.”

I thought about it for a while. It was friday tomorrow, which meant that I didn’t have any classes. Friday was my only free day as a karate instructor. Okay, I know what you may think, but when I worked in the policeforce back in the day I was always praised on my defensive skills. I became a policeman just because of the image one has that the police is all about chasing criminals and being at the crime scenes and saving lives. Superheroes.

It wasn’t.

Even though the program everyone had to go through in order to become a policeman was physically exhausting, my days were spent mostly behind a desk or checking the roads if somene had driven and drunk. I got bored.

It was Ron’s idea, really –and Hermione’s too, of course– that I’d do something more practical. The reason why it’s karate is because when I was younger I started in a karate club in the village I used to live in with the Dursleys. My cousin Dudley and some of his friends were bullying me in school and beated me up on occasion. I saw an ad on the school pinboard that was for a karate club outside of school. I took the time and adress for the practice and went. I kept going for every practice and told the Dursleys I was going out for a walk or something, they didn’t really care.

And now I had a job I loved, doing new things everyday and helped people for whatever reason they came to me for.

A small chuckle brought me back to my living room and to the two men before me. I coughed.

”Yeah, that sounds great”, I said. ”Which cafe?”

”Muggle’s”, Remus answered.

”It’s the small cafe in the Dark Alley. It’s between the sportswear store and the tattooist”, Sirius explained and I chuckled a bit as Remus rolled his eyes when Sirius called the alley the ”Dark Alley”. The nickname made it sound as if it was haunted but it wasn’t, I can assure you of that. It’s just called the Dark Alley since no one has bothered to change the streetlights in the alley, making it jet black at evenings and night when everything else in the downtown is light. There has also been rumours going on about drugdealers in the Dark Alley, but my time in the policeforce made me trust that there are none.

”We won’t disturb you anymore, Mr Potter”, Remus said and inclined his head.

”Harry. Call me Harry”, I responded making the two men smile a bit before walking towards the hallway.

”Very well, Harry”, Remus said before waving with his hand in farewell. When I moved to stand up Sirius shook his head mumbling about how I need my rest. ”You’ve been through a lot today. Just coming home after a long flight and then having two old strangers appear at your doorstep. You need you’re rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

And just like that they were gone and I found myself in need for a drink. A rather large drink, at that. Or maybe two. Or ten.

* * *

 

The alarm clock rang at half past seven, Ginny was supposed to get ready. Since Ginny still isn’t playing for the top league yet she has to work extra at the local supermarket. Well, she doesn’t _have_ to. It’s just that for some reason her coach says that it’s good for the team if they have something else to do apart from football since it isn’t a full time job.

Why it’s the local supermarket? I’m the wrong person to tell you that. You should ask my wife even though that can be a bit problematic. On the mornings I always pretend to be asleep so that I don’t have to hear her complain much. She is quite grumpy on early mornings no matter how much she pretends or says that she is not. She’s lying.

Even though she’s trying to be quiet she always seem to have a talent to make the smallest movement sound like an elephant is dancing in the bathroom covered in chains. If the alarm clock wouldn’t have woken me up, then Ginny rampaging around would work as well. She must think I’m a heavy sleeper since she seems to be fooled by my pretend sleep every time.

When Ginny finally left for work the house turned into a schocked and sudden silence. I had a couple of more hours before I had to meet with Sirius and Remus at the cafe and there weren’t that many things I had to do before I left to meet them.

So what did I do? I stayed in bed a bit longer before I actually _had_ to go up in order to make it on time. I don’t usually stay in bed until ten am but I felt like I needed the rest this morning. I was going to meet two persons that I haven’t met since I was, what was I? One year old? Maybe even younger, I really don’t know. All that I _do_ know is that when I go to bed tonight I’ll have answers to questions I didn’t know I had.

As I moved to get up I felt the throbbing ache in my head. _Fuck_. I moved as slowly and carefully from the bed as I could and went to the kitchen. I’ve never been happier to live in a one-floor house, thankful for no stairs.

I snatched a clean glass from the dishwasher and poured water in it from the tap. I think I downed maybe three or four glasses of water before I started on my breakfast, feeling the headache weaken and the nausea I didn’t know I felt disappeared.

A cup of coffee and two roasted toasts later I left the terassed house where Ginny and I lived with a bit of nervous anticipation and started to walk towards the downtown.

Yesterday I woke up in the heat of Thailand and today I’m walking in the chold air of England. The tree’s green leaves have lost most of their colours now and some are decorating the streets. It both feels as though I’ve been away from here for years as well as it feels like I never left in the first place. Two weeks went by like the blink of an eye.

It was the beginning of October now. I’ve been somebody’s husband for more than two weeks. Me and Ginny have been like a married couple for a long time that the transition was made smoothly. The only difference was that I now wore a ring in evidence, and she got both a new ring and a new name. I’m so thankful she didn’t want to make me take her name, I mean ”Harry Weasley” sounds like a bloody pop artist or something. Harry and Ginny Weasley would’ve been too many ”y”’s.

The downtown looked dull but vivid, glowing with life. I spotted Dark Alley almost immediately since I have sometimes gone through it when I go to the sports hall in which I teach karate. On the evenings, however, I take another alley that is actually lighted. Just in case.

It was interesting that I’ve gone thorugh Dark Alley so often that I had never noticed the ”Muggle’s” sign in between the tattooist and the sports wear shop.

The little cafe’s walls were bricked and had a few windows on the contrary from the majority of cafes that are very open with big windown. I understood suddenly what Sirius and Remus had meant by ”privacy”. I understand why people would want to go to Muggle’s since you can eat and drink in peace without feeling like someone from the outside is watching you.

The neon sign that said ”Muggle’s” was made in retro style with a big mug in yellow next to the name.

I went inside and was greeted with warmth and a smell of oven and newly baked bread. It looked far cosier on the inside than it did on the outside with its bricked wall. The inside was light and warm. The tables and chairs were a rich brown colour and the walls were painted in beige. The cafe was almost empty, just two or three tables were already taken. At one table sat a young woman with a little child by her side. I had never seen a child look so peacefull while awake. I smiled and let my eyes drift to another table where two men sat. One with light brown hair and the other with dark.

”Can I help you with anything”, I heard a familiar voice ask but I didn’t turn to look at who it was since I had already found what I was looking for.

I didn’t wait a second to say ”no thanks” because I had found what I was looking for.

The two men hadn’t noticed me yet, from the looks of it, but were currently in a discussion that seemes quite heated as if they were having an argument.

”What if he came to his senses?” Sirius, the dark haired man, said. ”Maybe he thinks we’re some sort of a bad dream.”

Remus, the light haired man, shook his head and lifted his tea to take a sip. ”You know, as well as I do, that _I_ am the sensible one”, Remus said and put lowered his cup. ”He’ll be here”, he added and there was a sort of finality in those words.

I walked quietly over to the table, after a couple of steps Remus glanced at me and then smirked behind his cup of tea and when Sirius followed his gaze he sighed in relief.

I sat myself –ungracefully– down in the nearest chair and smiled reassuringly to the two men.

Awkward silence greeted me for seconds that lasted for what felt like hours. Now that we met again I could both feel and see the men’s nervousness as well as something else. I had no idea how long they’ve waited to contact me. I’m twenty three years old which means that they have had a couple of years to approach me. If they had found me first, of course.

If what Sirius and Remus had said last night was true then they had waited for at least twenty two years to meet me or at least find me. And now they had.

”I hope we didn’t cause you any trouble last night”, Remus said politely and looked as sincere as his words.

”Not at all”, I said. Which wasn’t completely true because it left we with a hangover, a bad headache and a lot of questions.

Remus smiled at me, it was a small smile but a smile nonethless.

A silence enveloped us once again. I believe Sirius was the one who looked the most uncomfortable, staring down to his cup of tea.

”Lunch?” I asked and the two men looked at each other.

”I believe that is what we agreed upon”, Remus said and put down his cup. The three of us stood up and strode in silence towards the desk. On the wall behind the unoccupied desk hang a blackboard with the menu written on it in pink, blue and white.

The pink part was the sandwiches, they had ham, cucumber, tuna, roast beef and chicken. Blue was for the salads like chicken, ceasar and greek. The white part was for drinks. They had tea, coffee, lemonade, cappuccino, water, orange juice and soda.

Sirius pushed the little bell that stood by the cash register and a blond man came in a moment later.

”Hello Lupin. Black”, the familiar man said and nodded his head in greeting.

Sirius turned slightly towards me. ”And this is my…” he broke off.

 _Godson_. The word hang between Remus, Sirius and me. I decided to take a step forwards.

”Sirius is my Godfather”, I finished and smiled politely at the cashier and put my hand reassuringly on Sirius’ shoulder. ”I’m Harry Potter”.

”Well, _Potter_. I know who you are”, the cashier smirked. There was something familiar about the man, the grey eyes, the pointy nose and the blond hair. What the hell was a man so well defined and gorgeous working in a cafe when he could’ve been a model or something? Maybe he was, and _that’s_ why he’s familiar, but something told me that that wasn’t the case.

”I’d like the Ceasarsalad”, Remus ordered politely, taking me back to Muggle’s.

When Sirius was ordering a Chickensandwich I told the cashier to make it two causing both Remus and Sirius to smile a small smile.

The cashier went to fetch the sandwiches and the salad while Sirius took it upon himself to pay. And of course I told him it wasn’t necessary but the man was stubborn and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Both Hermione and Molly would have had something to say about eating a sandwich for lunch since neither of them consider it being ”real food”. Food that takes no time to make and isn’t made with heart and soul isn’t considered real food for Molly.

”Tell me about my parents”, I said and took my first bite of the Chickensandwich when we were once again seated at the table.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a second before the light haired man nodded slightly and scooped up a forkful of Ceasarsalad into his mouth.

”We met them at school”, Sirius began, setting down his sandwich –which was an identical replica of mine– and then turned his gaze to me. ”We were in the same class, James and Lily didn’t start thing off until the latter years. Your dad was always up to some kind of mischief. With Remus and myself and another friend of ours, of course.”

”Who was this ’ _other friend_ ’”, I asked curiously. ”Is he still around?”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to ask, if I judged by the way the two men looked at each other knowingly and a bit uncomfortably.

”Peter”, Remus voiced the name in a manner that seemed regretful and sad. It made me wonder if I wanted to hear this or not.

”He got himself involved with a bad group of people after we left school. The group offered him things and Peter was too weak to deny them. We tried to talk him out of joining them but he said he had already made up his mind about the matter”, Remus put down his fork before continuing and Sirius took drank a mouthful of his refilled tea.

”James, your dad, was immensely disappointed in Peter’s decision and told him that joining the group meant that his friendship with us was over. James thought, as well as the two of us-”, Remus waved his hand between himself and Sirius before turning his head to look straight towards me. ”-that he would decline the group’s offer and stay with us. Stay with his old friends. When Peter left, though, both your dad and Sirius went into states of schock and anger. The three of us felt rather betrayed and disappointed at Peter’s departure.”

Remus swallowed and I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he didn’t need to tell me anymore than that but my curiosity won. _This_ is what we met for, wasn’t it? So that they could tell me about my parents, didn’t matter that we were a bit side-tracked, though, did it? I mean, still has _something_ to do with my dad and that’s enough for me.

”The group just wanted someone to do their dirty work, someone to fetch things and work as a messenger to them. Someone that wasn’t necessary enough to them that if they would be discovered the messenger would take the fall”, Sirius continued for Remus who sent him a thankful look.

”What happened to him? To Peter”, I asked feeling both curious and sad if what I think happened to him actually did.

”He was caught delivering some sort of package, I believe, and was to spend a long time locked behind bars for his being connected to the criminals the group were. I think he felt regretful in his time. The only thing I know after that is that he was found a month later hanging from the roof.”

Well, this wasn’t what I had expected the lunch to begin.

The silence seemed to last forever. The three of us ate our lunches without a word and the tension the last spoken words brought made it feel choking. I wanted nothing but make it go away, the sorrowful expressions on the two men who were supposed to have sustody over me made me even more eager to break the silence.

”So…” I began wondering what the hell I’m going to ask but decided quite quickly still. ”Can you tell me about my mom?”

Remus smiled a small, greatful smile and put down his fork. He put on a dreamy face making Sirius roll his eyes.

”Remus was the one closest to Lily”, Sirius explained without looking at me. ”With the exception of your dad, of course.”

”She was the smartest girl we’ve ever met. The top in our class”, Remus began and he and Sirius told me all about her from school. They told me how she at first stayed away from my dad since he always got himself into trouble but that she later was unable to resist his charm. Sirius told me that she was a very kind and warmhearted person who stand up for anyone she saw who needed it.

My mom later worked as a nurse, helping to save lives. I could feel my heart clenching with pride to be able to call such a woman my mother and then disappointment and sorrow since I’ll never meet her.

Sirius saw expression and interpreted it correctly as he took hold of my right hand and laid it on my chest. He told me that I may not know it but my mom and dad never left me. That they are still inside of me, helping me without me knowing it.

When we had sat for a bit over one hour the two men told me they had to leave to fetch something rather important. Remus and Sirius invited me for dinner the following night and I accepted more than willingly, eager to find out more about my parents.

I watched the two men leave in a haste, saying their goodbies while I calmly made a pile of our plates to take leave on the side of the desk were the blond cashier stood. The man received payment for what looked like a steaming mug of coffee with the cafes logotype on it almost identical to what it looked like from the outside apart from the colouring.

My eyes went to the cashier’s face and then recognisation dawned on me. It didn’t seem like the man noticed me staring as he came to take the dishes I just brought to the desk. As the man bend forwards to pick up the plates carefully I noticed something else.

He had a black-eye.

”What happened?” I blurted out without even running the thought through my head first. The man looked up to me then in surprise, eyes impossibly wide and then he changed into looking painfully neutral.

”None of your business”, he sneered and turned to go with the plates but my words stopped him.

”I’m a karate instructor”, I said. ”If something like this happens again, because I don’t think for a second that you got _that_ from making toasts”. As fast as I had said it I realised he could very well choose to misinterpret that and feel offended. I bit my bottomlip.

I moved quickly to take a pen that laid at the other end of the desk by the cash register and then grabbed the blond man’s hand to write my number on his palm. His hand was soft but pale in contrast to my tanned one. His nails were trimmed and looked well taken care of. I dragged my thumb over the back of his hand, feeling a tingling sensation as it moved across the baby smooth skin, the touch sent shivers through me. I must have imagined it, though,that’s the only reasonable explanation.

” _Potter_ ”, the man hissed as he put the plates back down on the desk but I ignored him and bent forwards to write the number. When I was done I straightened myself and put the pen back down. The man stared at his hand in wonder, colour tinting his pale cheeks.

”Is it tradition for newlyweds to offer their services to the cateror or was I just not aware of what I’ve gotten myself into?” he asked and I chuckled at that.

”What’s your name?” I asked.

The man turned his gaze from his hand and looked up at me. ”You’ve already asked that and I’ve already answered”, he responded stiffly as if he was a bit disappointed at that. I felt shame enveloping me at the man’s words.

”I know”, I said and shoved my hands down my pockets. ”If you ever need my services, though, be sure to let me know.” I nodded to his hand and then turned towards the door and pushed it open.

”It’s Malfoy. Draco Malfoy”, the man replied from behind me causing a small smile to set on my lips before I left Muggle’s and went home.

I didn’t know why but I was smiling all the way home and I didn’t stop until Ginny came home looking exhausted.

”Remind me again why I didn’t take the day off?” she said as she put her bag on one of the chairs in the kitchen where I was currently making tea.

It was a rhetorical question so I didn’t answer it. Which I wouldn’t have ahd time fow anyways since she’s already starting to discuss the Saturday Lunch for the next day. For a couple of years now, we have eaten lunch at Ginny’s parents house with most of the Weasley’s every Saturday. I was quite glad for it since it was also an excuse to see Hermione and Ron, something I’d never say no to.

”By the way, Harry”, Ginny started and turned to look at me, her brown eyes suddenly alert instead of the sleepy look she had when she entered a couple of minutes ago. ”What do you think about going bowling on Sunday, just you, me, Hermione and Ron?” she asked.

”Sounds brilliant”, I said and grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

Saturday. The whole morning I’ve been busy with classes for the young karate masters. The ”baby-group” is on Saturday mornings. It’s a group for the youngest little karate masters in town.

On Saturdays I only have the youngest groups on the morning and then I was free after lunch to go to the ”Weasley Villa” –as Ginny’s brother’s Fred and George calls it– for the famous Saturday Lunch.

And that is were I was at the moment.

The whole Weasleyclan and their partners –with the exception of Charlie, of course, who’s still single as a mountain troll– was seated by the large table in the dining room for the traditional Saturday Lunch.

In the beginning Molly started up these lunches to make sure the family kept in touch. ”Family’s the most important thing one can have”. At least that’s what she always said. It was funny because something always told me she didn’t do these lunches for the whole family. She did it for me. I never had a family that loved and cared for me when I grew up. Now I suddenly do and I think Molly and Arthur wanted to compensate for every family lunch I never had.

”Be careful with that”, Molly shrieked as Fred and George, playfully, cleaned the table of the dishes. Molly had made the most delicious lasagna for today. It always seems to fascinate me how she can cook for fifteen people and still get leftovers.

”Of course, mother”, Fred said.

”We wouldn’t dream of breaking anything”, George said and the twins sent mischievous grins at Molly, the ones that always made her nervous.

The twins are famous for breaking things, you see. It’s almost like a talent for them, it’s a bit scary how they break things so naturally and then they take the pieces of the broken item and takes it to their shared apartment. God only knows what they’re doing with all the pieces… And what their girlfriends think about them still living together…

”How’s the force treating you?” I asked Ron when I sat down with him, Hermione and Ginny at the sofa.

”You mean the paperwork?” he asked and scrunged up his nose. I laughed. ”Well, mate, it’s not what I had in mind when I applied for the job. Somedays I feel like you did right by dropping out…”

”And then the next day you’ll be reminded why you stayed”, I finished for him. Ron nodded at me and smiled dreamily.

”You’re absolutely right”, he said.

”Oh, and Ginny and me bought you something when we were in Thailand”, I said and Ginny picked up two small boxes from her purse.

Hermione got a book –surprise!– about meditation. It’s a kind of private joke since Hermione needs to slow down sometimes and just breath, or meditate. She laughed when she saw the cover so I suppose she got the drift.

Ron got the wristwatch I told you about earlier, if you still remember it, that is. It’s the silver one with the word ”Frada” spelled in golden letters at the watch’s center.

”It’s beautiful”, Hermione said and Ron turned his attention to Hermione who sat next to him. Suddenly no one else existed in the room for the two of them. I can’t remember having someone ever watching me the way they watch each other, or watching someone that way either. That was the good thing about me and Ginny, we never had to dance around each other, it was always easy. I think that’s why I love her.

I turned to look at my wife who was already looking at me and I could see the question clearly in her eyes. It was so clear it made me swallow.

_”We were never like that, were we?”_

The only thing I could do was shake my head and look away from her. I don’t know why I felt so uneasy by that but I did. Her eyes looked almost hurt, making my heart clench painfully by the sight.

A whistle came from behind me, I supposed it was from the doorway and it also told me the twins were now done with the dishes.

”Lay off the eye-sex now, love-birds”, a voice said, coming from the direction of the doorway and it wasn’t Fred or George’s.

Both Ron and Hermione turned a very unflattering shade of red and hastily looked away form each other.

”Sod off Bill”, Ron all but spluttered and sent a glare towards his eldest brother who just chuckled at him.

”Where have you left Fleur? So I know where not to go”, Ginny smirked at Bill who sent her a pointed look. The rest of us smiled slightly. We all know how much Bill dislikes our dislike of his wife. Espescially his _pregnant_ wife.

”She said she wanted to shower so I lent her your towel, the baby likes it better”, he responded making Ginny snort.

So far the Saturday Lunch seemed to go according to tradition.

”Come on Harry, we’re going home”, Ginny told me and left the living room. I sat still in the sofa, absolutely gobsmacked. Did she just order me as if I was a dog…?

Hermione looked at me with sad eyes and a tilted head. I smiled slightly to her before saying my farewells to the whole family.

I knew better then to take up an argument with Ginny so I obeyed and went to the car were she was already in the drivers seat. When I opened the door to the passenger’s seat and sat down a stiff silence greeted me.

”Seatbelt”, was all she said in the car that day. I had no idea what had happend to get her into this mood.

It’s never fun to sit in a limited area with a mad Ginny. Espescially with a mad, silent Ginny. It was always something I didn’t know how to handle, even after all this time I don’t know how to handle her when she’s on one of her moods. There was always the most obvious reason for the moods, according to Ron. He said that women doesn’t like when we take things for granted or assume things so all I should do was ask.

”Are you on your period?” I asked when we were inside the house, which seemed to be the wrong thing to ask if the look she sent me was anything to go by.

I could see her face going red and hands start to shake.

The absolutely, by far most scary thing to see is a furious Ginny. Espescially if it was you who caused it, it makes you feel like a sheep staring at a bloodthirsty lion. Or a person walking in front of a bull, completely covered in red.

”Okay, I admit that wasn’t the right thing to say, but can you just tell me what’s going on? Why did we just leave? I’m supposed to meet Sirius and Remus later for dinner and I don’t want to go if the both of us are going to be mad”, I said, reasonably and looked sternly at her.

Bloody hell, we should have given _her_ the meditation book instead of Hermione.

And then I remembered something extremely stupid. I shut my eyes and bit my lip.

”So _that’s_ why you won’t be home for dinner? You’re going to meet _them_?” she asked, grabbing the wall to support her shaking body.

”Yes. You know what I’m…” She didn’t let me finish that sentence.

”Why?!”

”He’s my Godfather, Ginny, I have to get to know him. I want to get to know them both and they can tell me about my parents. I could finally have a family.”

”But you _do_ have a family! Mum and dad took you in when you had no one, Harry! These men waited twenty three _years_ to contact you, who knows what they’re after?”

”So if anyone wants to get close to me they need to have an ulterior motive? Then what was Molly and Arthur’s, may I ask?!”

”They just wanted you to have a family!”

”And we both know how well that played out”, I said and went by her, towards the door to leave.

”They’re not your family, thay can never replace your family!”, she spoke stiffly with restrained anger.

”Why? Because they waited twenty three years or because they are both men!?” I shouted before I all but ran through the door. And so I was gone.

I didn’t come home that night.

* * *

 

The road was cold as it left me with nothing but my thoughts.

Everything had happened so fast, one moment I was sitting with Ron and Hermione and the next I was home in an argument with my wife.

And now I’m here. Completely frozen and very possibly lost. The road didn’t look empty to me but the silence didn’t agree. I could see straight forwards as if walking in a tunnel, comatose.

”Potter?”

A strained voice caused me to turn my head as if breaking my trans. The face was stunned, as if not expecting to see my arse walking around in a soundless, crowded road after lunchtime.

As I took a look at that pale face with blonde hair I stepped into some kind of dilemma. At least it felt like it.

I mean, he was the caterer on my wedding, I’ve had conversations with him, not that many, I know, but conversations still. Sould I call him Draco, or Malfoy? You see, he called me by my last name –oddly enough– should I do the same?

”Malfoy”, I nodded in greeting. The man in question raised one delicate eyebrow at me in interest. I hope. His eyes were not a warm grey but they still took away a bit off the coolness in the air as they watched me.

”This isn’t where I imagined seeing you”, he said cryptically. Did he imagine seeing me at another place? Wait, did he even expect me to show up at a certain place at all?

”Then where did you imagine to see me?”

I don’t know why but it looked like the man’s cheeks turned an embarrassing shade of red. Coming to think of it it was quite chilly outside.

Malfoy cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. ”I better get going”, he said and before I could ask to where he strode away.

And then he was gone, as fast as he had come.

I continued walking alone until I realised I had no idea where Remus and Sirius lived and so I didn’t know in which direction I was supposed to go.

Didn’t really matter, I thought. It must still be a couple of hours until we were supposed to meet for dinner.

And that’s when my phone rang.

I picked it up from my pocket and saw an unfamiliar number on my phone.

”Harry Potter”, I answered and heard an audible sigh form the other end of the line.

”Thank heavens, I wasn’t sure we got it right”, Sirius said. ”Where are you, Harry? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago”.

 _Shit_.

”I’m sorry, I forgot the time, but I’m on my way now, I just don’t know the way. I’m sorry”.

”It’s no problem”, Sirius said before I he started talking to someone in the background, probably Remus. ”Where are you?”

I looked around myself. Where the hell was I?

”There’s a statue here that looks a bit like a dragon, I think”, and then I suddenly realised where I was. ”I’m by the karate studio”, I said. Somehow I had walked the back way towards the studio, which means that Malfoy most certainly just came from Muggle’s now. Of course!

”Remus is on the way”.

* * *

 

I found myself staring at the floor first thing I did when I stepped into the two men’s house. My jacket was still on, making me sweat in the warmth of the house.

Sirius and Remus looked nervously at each other but I couldn’t take my eyes off of the creature on the floor.

”Sirius. Remus”, I said monotonely. ”Why is there a _child_ on the floor?”

”This is Natalia”, Remus said. ”We have her some nights and some days just as a test for a couple of weeks before a social worker will come and determine whether or not we get to keep the little angel”.

The _little angel_ sat on the floor with a Barbie doll’s head in her mouth.

”According to the psychoanalysis a child explores through the mouth in the early stages of life”, Remus said as Sirius bent down to take the doll from Natalia. He rolled his eyes.

The look on Sirius’ face when he watched the doll in his hands, the head and hair completely covered in saliva, was the best thing I’ve ever seen. If the small chuckle that left Remus was anything to go by, I don’t think this was rare.

”She’s 62 weeks old”, Remus said.

”Why don’t you just say that she’s a year and two months?” Sirius asked and I chuckled. That’s one thing I never understood with parents either, why they always spoke of the child’s age in weeks. I’m just happy it wasn’t days.

I tuned out the two men’s discussions and instead examined the little girl on the rug. She had beautiful blonde hair in a mess that reminded me of Hermione’s.

Natalia’s eyes were a pale brown, almost like a cardboard-box and looked slightly too big for her little, pale head.

When our eyes met and her mouth was doll-less I couldn’t help but feel happy for the two men who wanted to start a family.

”She’s beautiful”, I said, causing the two men to turn their heads to me and the discussion died out.

I looked at the small child that sat before me on the rug. Her gleaming and playful eyes staring at me with drool on her chin and it hit me. _This_ was what Ginny always wanted. She wanted a family, a child, a husband. The thing is that I want all of that too –part from the husband bit, of course– I just don’t know why I’m so against it now?

”Are you ungry, Harry?” Sirius asked from behind me.

”Yeah”, I said. ”Is it a problem if I could stay for the night? I feel like I have a lot of questions and you have just as much answers”.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

It had been one of the most peaceful mornings I've had in a long time. I had slept in the guest room of Sirius' and Remus' house. No one woke me up by being too loud or ungraceful. No one woke me up at all, apart from my alarm clock, that is.

Remus was up and about when I said my goodbies but Sirius was fast asleep.

I went directly to the karate studio. On Sundays I had a full day of work for mostly younger classes or private lessons. Today was going to be a lot worst to deal with if I hadn't had the bowling with Hermione, Ron and Ginny to look forward to.

I stopped in my tracks.

 _Ginny_.

Will it be weird between us since I didn't come home after our fight? I just felt like I couldn't deal with her, it wasn't like I was running away! Okay, maybe a bit. But it was self preservation!

Brilliant, Harry! What a move, you must be the next Einstein, for crying out loud. Leaving your wife alone the whole night after a fight? Are you insane? Brilliant, just brilliant.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was what went through my head the enitre work day. I could imagine Ginny's angry face when I'd come towards her and my friends at the bowling place. How she'd yell in my face about how stupid I am and how worried she was.

"Excuse me?"

I could imagine the stern look she'd send my way and make me feel like a little child that got caught with his hand in the cookie-jar.

"Mr. Potter?"

But if she could just see herself form my point of view for once in her life maybe she'd understand. Or maybe I need to see myself from hers.

"Mr. Potter?"

My eyes went into focus as my student stared at me questioningly. I cleared my throat a bit, realising I've zoned out of conversation.

"You were just about to tell me what to do with this", the student said. His name was Mr. Pierce Johnsson, a lawyer who has gotten quite a few death threates, He is under the impression that by studying karate he can defend himself if need be. He's not wrong.

Mr. Johnsson held a stick in his hand and eyed it skeptically.

"You put it over your shoulders, straight, with one hand on each side and swing as far as you can", I instructed. I told him to put his hands a bit further apart since they were both too close to the middle.

I had ended the lesson with some small excersises for his shoulders, legs, back and some specific muscles to ease the tension.

Mr. Johnsson was my last student for the day and I saw how the outside world grew darker. It was around six pm when he left to go home, without showering in our locker rooms. Some are not that comfortable showering in local places and some are more than that.

Since Mr. Johnsson wasn't going for the showers I took the liberty to do that instead. I'm just happy there was some warm water left. If there hadn't been any warm water I'm afraid I would've had to shower still since I don't want to smell like sweat when meeting Ginny later tonight.

I had brought clean clothes and underwear to change into after the shower and felt the anticipation that is meeting my wife's wrath.

It was 6.30 pm when I left the building, I was the last one out. My bag with sports wear was left in my personal locker.

Pitch black. That's what it was outside. Pitch black. How come I always seem surprised at how fast it gets dark at winter and autumn? It's not like I've never been in England this time of year before, I grew up here so I shouldn't be so surprised. It always seem to blow my mind though.

Just a bit ahead were the bowling hall which meant I had come quite a bit from the downtown. A noise, suspiciously close to a sob was heard from my left causing me to look to it. All I could see was darkness.

And then I heard it again, just a tad louder this time. I decided to look for the cause of it. According to Hermione my curiosity will be the death of me. So far everything's good. Well not _everything_ of course, but a lot of things, I suppose.

A shape was huddled close to the brick wall of some closed shop or something. The shape was clearly distressed, I could tell by all the shaking and once or twice I thought I heard a muttered "shit".

I walked closer to the shape almost soundless.

"Is everything alright?" I asked and kneeled down next to the shape only to have recognition dawn on me. " _Draco_!"

Draco pushed himself further back against the wall, possibly as far back as he could. It was almost like he was afraid I'd hurt him.

"What has happend?" I asked. The skin around one of his eyes were reddened and would most certainly have become a black eye come morning. His nose was broken and dried blood was smeared beneath it.

"Go away", he hissed and shield his face with his hands. That's when I noticed something.

"You're covered in blood!" I shrieked and reached for his hands but he pushed himself away from me. "I'm not going to hurt you", I said as calmly and reassuringly as I could.

Draco kept pushing away from me so I grabbed at his sides to hold him still. He went stiff, choking down another sob and I saw black, messy letters on his forehead.

"Draco, what is this?" I asked as I could read the three letters clearly.

 _Fag_.

I stared at the word, frozen in place. One hand left his side and instead smoothed the skin on which the dark letters were written.

"What are you doing on saturday's?" I asked. "I have an empty schedule after lunch, if you're interested I can teach you how to defend yourself. Will you let me help you?"

"I can bloody take care of myself. I don't want your pity", Draco said and if he wouldn't be crying nor bleeding I would've rolled my eyes at him.

"Good, 'cause you don't have it", I said. "Is there anyone I can call?"

Draco furrowed his brows a little before closing his eyes. "No", he said and I sighed.

"Okay, I'll call Ginny and then I'll help get you home", I said and started digging in my pocket after my phone.

The night was chilly and silent, for long seconds all that was heard was the beeping sound of the phone waiting for Ginny to answer.

She didn't, so I called Ron instead.

"Hey mate, are you running late with a student?" Ron asked causing me to roll my eyes.

"Ron, listen. I won't be able to make it tonight, I'm sorry, something came up", I said. I knew Ron would be the most reasonable out of the three of them. I was right.

"Alright, mate. I'll see you some other time", Ron said and I sighed in relief.

"Thank you, I owe you one" and then we hung up.

Truth be told I think I owe him a hundred now or something for all the times he's gotten me out of trouble with both Ginny and Hermione.

I stood up and offered a hand to Draco. His grey eyes eyed it sceptically, as if I would give him another black eye.

"I won't hit you, I teach defense not offense", I told him. The edges of his mouth went up just slightly before he accepted the hand and I pulled him up onto his feet.

"Now, may you be so kind as to show me the way to your place?" I said trying to sound a bit ancient as we did when we first met. I failed miserably but he smiled nonethless.

And we walked. I noticed how my companion tilted his head forwards so as not to be recognised nor noticed. It made sense a bit I believe, trying to hide that you are hurt and thus avoiding comments from other people, even if all they want is to help.

It was around 7 pm now, close to no one was out and about which made it a bit easier to help Draco home since he stiffened everytime he heard a voice or footsteps apart from ours. I don't blame him.

The air smelled faintly of cigarrettes and I realised that I've never been in this part of town before. Bricked apartments were placed in an unbreakable chain. I wondered what kind of people would live here and glanced quickly at Draco as I realised that he's taking me there.

"Do you live here?" I asked. He sent me a suspicious look, his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth a thin line. The blood from his nose was now completely dry and had started to wrinkle.

"Yes", he said and turned his head straight forward again, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Yes, I do".

If I didn't know better I'd think he looked ashamed but that was probably just my imagination, I mean he has nothing to feel shame for.

We walked a little bit further until Draco pointed at an apartment. "This is it", he said as if he expected me to wave him goodbye and leave.

I went toward the door. He turned big, surprised eyes at me. If the time was different, if he wasn't covered in blood nor bruises, I would probably have found the look a little... I don't know. Adorable?

"Are you going to open it or not?" I asked. "I'm not going to leave you alone in this state", I said, possibly sounding not at all as reassuring as I would have hoped.

Draco looked like he wanted to argue but decided against it as he pressed the correct code and opened the door for the both of us.

We went into a dull white space. The floor was dirty grey and the walls were almost yellow with darker spots. Draco lead me to the right where there were a door. And he let me in.

If I would have guessed a place where Draco would have lived I would have guessed maybe a manor or a big, fancy house but not this.

The walls weren't just a dirty white, they were also a bit ripped as if made by a cat. Or perhaps a tiger...

Draco hung of his jacket and I did too just a second later. The shoes were also left by the door. When we both lacked our outside garments we stared at each other as if asking the other what we're supposed to do next.

"Where's your bathroom?" I asked. His eyes narrowed and his brows furrowed. If I had a guess I'd think he was wondering what I was going to harm him. However the red colour that spread on his cheeks told me that was probably not the case, so the question is what was he thinking?

"Bathroom", I repeated making his blush deepen.

Draco cleared his throat and showed the way. The room was a small space with matching green and blue mosaik on both floor and walls, a small shower by the end of the room.

"Sit", I commanded and pointed at the toilet seat. Draco's eyes went big and in the light from the opposite wall his grey eys suddenly seemed like glowing silver. I don't know why but I had to cough and look away, something felt rather odd, unexplainable. I catched my breath.

"And what now?" I heard him ask but I took another second before I looked back to meet his eyes. He was sitting on the closed toilet seat looking at me with confused eyes. I cleared my thorat.

"How is your eye?" I asked making his eyes cold and his body stiffen. Probably the question brought him back to Earth.

"A little", he responded. "A _lot_ , actually".

"Do you have a steak, or ice?"

He nodded. "Well only ice, though. It's in the freezer", he said and not even a second later I was gone. It wasn't that hard to find the kitchen since it was just around the corner, basically.

I just knew I couldn't stay in the room with him for a second longer.

I opened every drawer in the kitchen to find a plastic bag to put some ice in and suddenly my body worked as if by autopilot.

A bag filled with ice was laid in my hands, the freezer were closed and I was kneeled on the floor when I got the control back. The bag slid out of my hands as I laid my head in my hands.

"What are you doing, Harry?" I asked myself, hoping for some kind of answer before returning to the bathroom.

I put the plastic bag, containing the ice against his eye sofly and carefully knelt down in front of him. His breath hitched when the cold of the bag met his soar eye and it almost made me smile a little bit before I caught myself.

My eyes met the harsh black letters on his forehead once again, making me swallow. I wondered if maybe he thought I was attractive, I mean with him being bent and all. I wouldn't be surprised if he _was_ a "fag", there are hardly any straight men as attractive as him.

A small cough or chuckle made me blush. "I said that aloud, didn't I?" I asked, closing my eyes so as not to look at him. He didn't answer so I opened my eyes carefully to look at him, to see what expression he would have. Would he be mad? Sad? Maybe he would be offended if he actually turned out to just be a gorgeous man.

Draco's head was tilted to the side, the hand holding the ice bag was lowered to his stumach. His eyes were glowing, not like silver but like a gemstone and I found it almost impossible to look away.

Scratch that! It _was_ impossible for me to look away!

I just sat there, knelt down before him, staring up into his eyes. "Do you want me to wash your face?" I asked. I didn't wait for a response but went up to wetten a towel with warm water and then set to work on his bloodied face.

As I washed his face free form the dried bloo with the occasional gasp from the victim my eyes slowly drifted up to the word on his forehead.

"Does it bother you?" he asked carefully, almost shy and I blinked. Suddenly I realised my movements had freezed and I had stared at the black letters.

I met his eyes once again that night. "Not at all", I said and the sudden warmth of his eyes made me catch my breath. His smile was faint and I noticed the close proximity in which we were positioned. His breath danced on my skin. His eyes left mine for just a second to look down on my mouth. He licked his lips and that's when I noticed I stared donw on his lips as well and then we met each other's eyes again. Draco leant slowly towards me and I could do nothing but lean towards him, too. My eyes went shut.

I didn't have any control of my body anymore from the feel of it, a smell, faintly of blood and alcohol but also of apples and cologne. It didn't smell too spicy nor too sweet, it was just enough, it was perfect.

His lips were close to mine now, I could feel it. How the air between us went away more and more the more we leant towards each other, the closer we went. I felt his lips brush mine, like a feather and a redheaded woman with a fiery temper showed up in my head and I jumped backwards. Away from the man before me. Away from Draco.

Was I about to kiss another man? What had possessed me to do such a thing? Why was my heart beating so fast and why were my hands slightly sweaty?

I left in a rush. I don't remember standing up nor the way he looked at me when I did. Somehow I found myself outside the apartment, holding myself up with a hand against the bricked wall. It didn't cross my mind at first that my cheeks were wet nor that my breath came in shallow gasps.

What happened? What had happened in there? Was it something he did? Something I said? Was I about to kiss him? A man. An absolutely gorgeous man, but a man nonethless.

If the image of my wife wouldn't have come up, would I have kissed him?

At that last question I closed my eyes, inhaled sharply as more tears streamed down my face. That question was the only one I could answer with 100 percent certainty.

 _Yes_.

Yes, I would've kissed him. I was going to kiss him. A man. Draco. The caterer at my wedding. The cashier at Muggle's. The man I found on the floor with the word "fag" written on his forehead. What did this mean for me? What did it make me?

I felt a headache coming on and I took a couple of shaky breaths home.

I'm not a pouf. I'm not a fag. I'm not gay. I'm not a homosexual. I'm not interested in men. I'm not attracted to men. I'm not any of these things.

Or I never thought I was. But I oculdn't be, could I? God, no! I'm a married man! Brilliant, Harry! As if you're marriage didn't have enough problems to begin with!

As I stepped into the house I dried my tears and strengthened myself even though Ginny probably was still bowling with Ron and Hermione.

The hall was dark when I entered, threw off my shoes and jacket. All I wanted as this point was to sleep. I needed the rest from my over-working brain. I needed one second to not think about the smell of apples and cologne. I needed one second to not think about the grey eyes, glowing like gemstones. I needed one second to not think about the black, messy word written on his forehead.

What I got when I entered the bedroom was _not_ what I had imagined.

Ginny laid on the bed in her favorite sexy lingerie. The black and red corsett with the tiny bows and the matching lace string knickers. She had one knee bent upwards and dragged one hand up and down her thigh, sensually.

I looked at her as she smoothedthe skin on her hips, how she pushed her thumbs underneath her knickers, or the other hand slipping under the bra to cup her breast.

She eyed me for a second. "Come here", she purred but I stood still, completely frozen in place.

I've had sex with women, would it be any different with men? How would it feel to not give, but get. How would it feel to have another man's cock inside me?

"You're not even affected are you?" my wife asked me. Well the honest answer to that question is "I'm quite affected yes. But not by your doing". And that should have been the weirdest thing to happen today if my head didn't put certain images in my head, in some compromising positions.

"No, I'm not", I lied. "I'm quite tired, I just want to sleep tonight, okay?"

Ginny looked at me a little suspicious or concerned. "But you've always loved the making up sex. I mean you didn't come home yesterday and I'm pissed at that, I'm still pissed but this is the way we have always made up. By make up sex", she said as if to explain something completely new to me.

"Not today, sorry", I said and walked up to her to give her a small peck on her forehead before slipping under the covers.

It had been a long day and something told me it would be an even longer night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N) WARNING: This chapter has explicit content! I repeat explicit content!
> 
> BEWARE if you don't like that sort of things. You have been warned!

Chapter 6

Grey eyes were eying me carefully as I stepped into the building. My third companion were busy talking with the woman in charge and therefore didn't see the way I looked around the big, crowded room.

I think Sirius understood what went through my head. I could've been there, one of those children. Orphans. Just like me. I could have ended up here if my aunt and uncle hadn't taken me in. I don't really know what I'd prefer, to be honest. I mean if you look at Natalia, for example, she has Remus and Sirius fawning over her, waiting to actually signing the forms and become her dads. If I would've gotten a childhood with parents that loved me I would have chosen that, of course but I couldn't help but wonder about all these kids that weren't chosen.

A boy sat in one of the corners. Alone. He held a game-boy in his hands. The other children played together. Well most of them but the boy in the conrner wasn't with them. The woman in charge of the Orphanage didn't even look at the boy as she spoke to Remus about Natalia, who was still in his arms.

Sirius stood next to Remus but his attention was on me. I felt his grey eyes burn the back of my head. I didn't meet his eyes.

I walked towards the little boy and knelt down before him. He looked up at me in surprise. The boy's eyes were big and hazelgreen. There was something familiar with his eyes, as if I've seen them before. His mouth was tiny and gleamed of saliva. The boy looked to be rather young.

"Hello", I said and smiled reassuringly at him. "I'm Harry".

The boy tilted his head slightly to the side and looked at me curiously.

"I'm Teddy, Mrs Peggs says Ted", he answered and lowered his game-boy to his thighs.

"How old are you, Teddy?"

"Five", he said, pushing his chin to his chest looking a bit nervous or unsure. There was however something in his face, those eyes that made me want to just hug him tightly and never let go.

He reminded me of me.

"Harry, are you ready?" Remus said from behind me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I nodded at the small boy in front of me.

"I'll see you soon", I said and offered him the biggest and most reassuring smile I could. Teddy looked down at his game-boy at that. I went up on my two feet and followed Remus out of the Orphanage.

"That's what they always say", was the last thing I heard from the little five-year old boy before I exitted. There was something in his voice that made shivers of shame slither down my body.

I sat down in the backseat of the car. Remus and Sirius were chatting away, about Natalia, probably. It was just not the easiest thing to do, to forget the disappointed sound of Teddy when I left. It made me want to go right back into the Orphanage and slip my arms around his small body.

Sirius and Remus chuckled a bit, making me turn my attention on the two men. They both looked at me with gleaming eyes and upturned smiles.

"Welcome back to Earth", Sirius teased with a twinkle in his grey eyes. Remus chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

"Where are we?" I asked as I realized the car was parked and I wondered how long I've zoned out for.

"In the downtown", Remus announced and released his seatbelt. "Sirius and I thought a cup of tea should be well deserved now".

Uh. Oh.

 _A cup of tea_ could only mean one thing if we're actually in the downtown...

_Muggle's._

Which in itself meant something a bit worse. Okay, I admit. _A lot_ worse.

The three of us left the car, I stayed right behind them as if hiding. It's been a couple of days since I left his apartment right when I was about to do something extremely stupid.

It's Thursday today, I just realized I hadn't told oyu that earlier but it is. I'm free until around two pm on the weekdays apart form Friday when I'm free the full day.

Sirius and Remus had wanted me to go with them to the Orphanage. Why they wanted me to do that, I'm not sure. I suppose they just wanted to spend time with me and Natalia. Moral support, perhaps.

"Hello Lupin. Black", a very familiar voice greeted us as we entered.

"It's Remus and Sirius. How many times do we have to say it?!" Sirius exclaimed Sirius dramatically. Remus slapped him on the back causing him to chuckle.

"And Harry's with us today, as well", Remus announced making the air thicken and silence grow.

Sirius stepped away from Remus so that I was completely visible for Draco. I felt his eyes burn my skin with its intensity. I could pinpoint the exact spot his eyes were looking. At the moment he was staring at the side of my face as I looked at the floor, hands shoved deep in my pockets.

The silence grew longer and the air grew thicker. I started wondering how long it would take before one of us would say something or until I gathered courage to just look at him. To meet his grey eyes and see if there's a difference since I last saw them.

The eyes that shone like grey gemstones in the bathroom. The eyes that glittered and gleamed as they looked from my eyes to my lips. The way his tongue licked his lips carefully. Hopefully. Just before he leant towards me, went closer and closer.

"Potter", he said. That was all he said. Just my name. Just my _lastname_. But it was enough. It was everything I needed to hear. The way his voice sounded strained and the name sounded forced. As if he wanted to keep my name on his tongue for ever. As if he didn't want to let it out.

I wish he hadn't said anything. I wish we could just have lived our lives as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn't met him at Sunday. That I was still happily married to Ginny and that I wasn't confused. Suddenly my whole ife was had changed. Sirius and Remus. Natalia. Teddy. Draco. Everything has changed.

How was I going to respond to Draco? Should I call him his firstname, since that's what I always have called him. Will it make things even weirder than before if I call him by his lastname?

You mean like " _wanting to kiss a man while married to a woman_ "-weird?

I don't think anything could make that weairder. Apart from perhaps leaving said man alone in his bathroom.

I coughed and gathered all the courage I could muster and looked at him, into these grey pools for the first time in a couple of days. He stared right back at me, making me catch my breath. His grey eyes looked unsure, they lacked the sparkle, the shine that day had at Sunday night. I felt my heart cringe and a part of me felt like it was dying.

A weak smile was offered from my lips but I suppose they didn't help as he looked into the hollow of my eyes. I flet a part of me want to close the distance between us, wrap him up in a hug but I couldn't get myself to do it.

"Draco", I said, trying to sound as reassuring and warm, but non-romantic, as I could. I think I failed. I saw him swallow and look back at Remus. Shame and sorrow filled my heart and suddenly I felt broken.

"What do you want to order?" he asked Remus and a mask of cold indifference was set on his face. I never thought I'd ever miss his usual expressions. I'd rather have him with his sceptical expression. I'd rather have him with the defeated look he had when I found him the other day. I'd rather have him with... I'd rather just have _him_.

"One raspberry tea and one chai, please", Remus began before turning his head towards me. "And what would you like Harry?"

I turned my eyes from Draco to Remus. "Vanilla, thank you", I said and while Remus paid for the tea, Sirius and I went to take our usual seats at the round table.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Draco?" Sirius asked as we sat down. I felt my face growing warmer and warmer as I avoided his eyes.

"Don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about, the whole shop could feel the tension. What kind of _tension_ , you tell me".

I was completly and utterly speechless. So they did notice, then. Brilliant.

"You're just imagining things", I responded and tried my best to look believable. It didn't seem to be working as Sirius chuckled.

"What's going on here?" Remus asked while setting down a tray with the three cups of tea and Sirius sent him a goofy grin.

"He thinks we're imagining things", Sirius answered and gestured at me. I scowled.

"You mean about the sexual tension?" Remus asked.

"What!?" I spluttered, laughing breathlessly. The two men sent me the _look_. The one that says that I know exactly what they're talking about and that they're right and I know it.

"So, tell us, Harry. What is going on between the two of you?" Remus asked reasonably. I just looked between the two men. They both had their full focus on their cups of tea. Well not their _full_ focus, I think thay have an unhealthy interest in finding out what I had to say for myself.

I closed my eyes, put my elbows on the table and rested my head in my hands. "I found him last Sunday, followed him to his apartment and almost kissed him in his bathroom", I whispered to avoid Draco overhearing. Sirius coughed and Remus smirked.

"You _what_!?" Sirius screeched, loud and clear while he turned his head to look at me. Grey eyes huge, but not as huge as mine as I shushed him.

"Keep quiet, _he_ can hear you!" I hissed.

"You heard the boy, Siri. He almost kissed Draco. I don't see what's so schocking about that", Remus said as he stirred his cup of tea almost uninterestedly.

"You _are_ kidding, right?" Remus asked, turning to send Remus a stern look. "He is _married_ , you know. To a _woman_."

Remus shrugged. "And he's interested in a man, thank you for pointing out the obvious", he responded sending a stern look right back at Sirius who bit back a retort.

"Could you be any louder?" I asked, sarcastically.

"In fact, we can. Have you ever thought about sleeping with a man?" Remus asked, making both me and Sirius splutter and extremely grateful we hadn't had a taste of our tea yet.

I blushed. "Yes", I answered weakly and silently to make certain Draco would not hear that.

"You _what_!?" Sirius screeched once again. Remus looked at him amused but sternly.

"How are you _still_ surprised?" Sirius narrowed his eyes at Remus. I chuckled but after that one glance Sirius sent me I regretted it.

"Draco!" he called and I had no idea my eyes could get _that_ big. But they did and I felt a sudden want to maim or seriously injure Sirius.

Draco came to stand next to our table, stubbornly not-looking-at-me. "Yes?" he asked.

"Take a seat", Remus began and could have sworn they suddenly reminded me of the Weasley twins. Before Draco could contradict Remus added, "Muggle's is completely empty apart from the three of us. Sit".

Draco looked completely gobsmacked as he sat down without a second word. He risked a glance at me and our eyes met for just a second, but it was the most intense second I have ever had in my entire life. So far.

I looked away.

"When I was fourteen I never thought anyone would ever love me", Remus began while stirring his tea. Sirius looked almost ashamed and then Remus laughed. "My classmates used to spread rumours of me having some sort of ' _curse_ '. I was always a lonely wolf, you see. They said that there was something with me that drove people away but then..." he continued but was cut off as Sirius' hand grabbed his stirring hand. Remus smiled at his lover and tilted his head to the side, Sirius smiled back.

Remus turned to look at me. "That's when your dad, Sirius and Peter started standing up to me and the four of us was inseparateble from that moment and for years to come." Remus turned back to look at Sirius, loosened his grip on the spoon and instead squeezed Sirius' hand, giving him the sweetest smile I had ever seen.

"And now we're soon-to-be dads", Remus said and Sirius chuckled.

"You're such a sap!" Sirius announced with a huge, hearwarming grin and gleaming eyes that were locked with Remus.

Things went from tense to uncomfortable rather quickly! I felt like I was intruding on a private moment between the two men. Draco looked questioningly at me, head tilted to the side. I gather he felt the same way I did. His brows were furrowed and his lips were tense. I would have giiven more than a penny to hear his thoughts as he looked into my eyes. The warmth I've grown accustomed to was gone.

"What do you do?" Sirius' voice came from nowhere and I turned my head to look at him, confused. That's when I noticed he didn't look at me but at Draco.

"What do you mean?" asked Draco, probably more confused than me.

"I mean ' _what do you do_ ' as in ' _do_ ' on your own time. We've only seen you here at Muggle's and I've never thought to ask before but I'm quite certain you don't only exist in this little cafe", Sirius explained with a teasing grin.

Draco smiled uncertainly between Remus, Sirius and me, who were all looking at him now.

"I'm studying to become a professional dancer", he answered looking down at his hands as if he was ashamed of it.

"Sounds brilliant", I said. Draco looked up at me as if by reflex. His grey eyes were gleaming again, causing my whole body to grow warm and my heart to speed up. His eyes had their warmth back and that made my body react in an uncomfortably comfortable way.

I felt a tingling feeling over my whole body and suddenly I think that what Remus and Sirius said about the sexual tension was more true than I would have liked.

"Why?" Remus asked curiously. As Draco looked at Remus I felt like I could finally breath.

Draco and I didn't speak nor look at each other after that. I assume he felt the sexual tension, too. God, thta felt so weird to think of it like _that_! Espescially about the fact that it wasn't Ginny, my wife. I mean, I'm surprised I'm so okay with him being a man and all.

Around twenty minutes later we left Muggle's, Remus, Sirius and me, I mean. Draco stayed, obviously, since he works there.

When the three of us was standing by Remus' car I heard something I never thought I would ever hear, espescially since I knew what they were talking about.

"You never know unless you try", Sirius said. Remus agreed silently with a nod. I knew of what they were referring to and i couldn't help but feel surprised at that.

"I'm married", I answered stiffly and looked out over the downtown. The christmas decorations were up but not lit yet since it was only one pm. In two hours I have my first class of the day so I decided to go straight to the karate building instead of going home first. I needed time to clear my head too.

"Indeed you are", Remus said. "But the way you feel and the way you think are both equal to an act. If you would have acted on the way you feel and think or not you were still thinking about it and feeling the way you did. You won't be able to save your marriage unless you figure this out and to do that you have to try it. If the act doesn't add up to the fantasy then it was nothing more than attraction and your marriage can be saved. If the act is just what you hoped it would be, or better, then your marriage is not worth saving", he continued.

"The least you can do is think about it", Sirius added before we said our goodbies for now and hugged it all out. They went to their car, I waved them off and then went to work.

* * *

"You've been spending a lot of time together", Ginny said as she came into our bedroom. She took off her tracksuit with her team's logo on its chest.

Ginny just came home from her football practice a couple of minutes ago. I laid in bed, prepared for sleep, when she came in.

My eyes grew to the double size because she couldn't possiböy mean... _him_ , could she?

"Remus and Sirius", she continued. "You've been spending an awful lot of time with them lately".

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I have. They are the closest thing I have to my parents. _Please_ , Ginny. I'm tired of having to fight with you on this", I said exasperatedly. She turned around to look at me.

"I didn't mean it like that", she began and went to the bed to sit down on the edge. She smiled her sweetest smile at me. "I know they mean a lot to you, so I've learned to accept it. For you", she continued and I felt guilt at the bottom of my stumach start to spread. "I have a game this weekend so tomorrow I'm going away for two to three days. I woul've told you which tema we're playing against but I know you don't know them. I just thought you could invite Remus and Sirius here for dinner or something so that you're not completely alone."

I felt love for my wife grow in my chest as did the guilt. I leant forward to kiss her on the forehead. "Thank you", was all I said and she smiled proudly at me.

Ginny swore. "I forgot to tell mom that you're going alone on Saturday".

Well... _shit_! "Um... Ginny", I began. "I have a new student for Saturdays right after lunch so I won't be able to make it either"

"Well... you have to tell mom", said Ginny with finality in her words. I sent her a pointed look and she giggled.

That was the first night –or moment– in a long time that we resembled the way we used to be, it's just been so long since the last time. Too long.

* * *

On the morning I was back to the old routine of pretending to be asleep so as not to be any more exposed to her morning grumpiness and complaint then I already have to. Remember when I told you that Ginny in the mornings was like having an elephant dancing in the bathroom covered in chains? Well imagine how much worse it is when balls are involved. Well obviously not that kind of _balls_ , you sick pervert.

Brilliant, and now I have _that_ picture in my head. Wonderful.

Just a couple of more minutes of fake-sleep and then Ginny will be out the door, that's all I have to wait for.

The sound of a closing door came sooner than expected and as I threw the cover aside I noticed I had a problem to take care of. A rather _big_ problem, mind you.

I all but jumped out of bed. I checked my watch, it was 10 am. If I was going to do this as planned then I had to get going!

I went into the bathroom, took off my clothes in a haste and piled it down on the cold stoned floor. The tall mirror at the opposite side of the sink was positioned on the wall so that if I went close enough I couldn't see my face. It was placed after Ginny's height since she cares more for her looks than I do.

As I was standing before the sink, my cock was throbbing, getting thicker and longer with every throb. My cock stuck straight out, I felt the sensitivity of the underside as a small breeze came in from the window. I shivered. I went closer to the mirror so that I couldn't see myself.

My hand reached down to grab a hold of my pulsing, rock-hard cock. I used my other hand to grab after Ginny's massage oil that was in the cabin above the sink. For a couple of seconds my cock throbbed almost painfully as the hand holding it let go. I covered my fingers with the slick oil and after having put the massage oil back in place I reached down to my cock to cover the tip of it with the oil.

I gasped, started twirling my fingers around and around the head until I felt my senses duplicate as I came closer and sloser to the edge. I stared into the mirror, pretending that it was another's hand undoing me. When I closed my eyes I saw him knelt down in front of, my hand long forgotten all I could see was a blond head where my thighs met. I imagined a tongue stroking my cock and the sensations making me shiver.

When I was breathing unevenly, my body feeling to heavy for my knees, just as I felt the throbbing feeling of an uncoming orgasm I stopped moving my hand.

My cock ejaculated just a little bit and I took deep, calming breaths before I started again. You see, the second time around is indescribably better. I could feel an orgasm around the corner and I saw the blond head go faster and faster. I imagined what it would feel like to drag my hand thorugh that soft hair as I came into his mouth.

It was like the most intense and earth shattering feeling you could ever experience. An orgasm, that is. It's so hard to explain but it's like everything goes black for just a second and then everything becomes clear as if seeing it for the first time.

I have to sya I was quite disappointed when I opened my eyes and saw my hand over my cock and my cum all over the mirror.

After cleaning the mirror I took a quick shower, followed by a stressful amount of time picking out clothes. I usually just pick the first things that show up without caring too much but I have to look presentable today. Okay, wishful thinking. _More_ presentable is more like it.

The chosen parts were a navy blue, simple t-shirt –probably a gift from Ginny, once upon a time– and a dark pair of denims.

When I was ready to go I passed the kitchen where something caught my eyes. It was a note from Ginny.

_Don't forget to watch the game tommorrow._

_Ginny XX_

That was all it said and I can't say I'm that surprised since we always kept things short and simple. I felt a bit guilty about the fact that I hadn't thought about her, my wife since she left this morning. I don't even remember the last time I wanked to her...

Now that there was nothing else that could hold me back from following Sirius and Remus' advice. Apart from the nerves, possibly. Probably.

I had decided to take the car to the cafe to cut the chance of me talking myself out of this as much as I could.

As if I wasn't trying hard enough as it already was. I've never felt this nervous since... Actually I don't think I've ever been _this_ nervous. Maybe I shouldn't have wanked, thinking about him.

* * *

I stopped dead in my tracks just outside of the cafe. What the actual _fuck_ was I doing?

He was in there. On the other side of the door and if I felt nervous before it can't begin to describe how I felt now...

Draco was in there and he had no idea what I was about to do, I mean, I myself, wasn't completety certain where this day would end. Hopefully with the end of my fantasies.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you going to get in or not?" a lady from behind me asked politely.

"Yes. Sorry", I said, took a deep inhalation and then opened the door and stepped into the warmth of Muggle's.

He hadn't seen me yet, just the way I had hoped.

I stood last in line, trying to build up a wall of confidence. My heart was beating faster than I have ever known it could. It was just such a surreal experience for me to actually stand in line to ask a homosexual man over to mine and Ginny's house for dinner. And possibly more.

"Potter", he said when I reached the front, my palms sweating and my lips formed in a nervous smile.

"Hi", I responded. He looked at me with an amused expression as well as a curious one. "Call me Harry, please", I said.

He smiled. "Harry", he said. "I like the sound of that". I wasn't going to say it but I did too.

"What can I do for you today?" he asked in a professional. I smirked at myself for the obvious answer to the question.

"Eat dinner with me", I said instead. "Ginny's out of town and I thought it'd be nice if you'd come".

Draco looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes. His lips forming a wellknown smirk.

"Fine", he said as if he gave up in an argument but the way his eyes were gleaming and his whole face radiating warmth I knew he was only playing.

I grabbed the blond man's hand while reaching for the pen with my other one. I set to write down the adress to mine and Ginny's house the same way I did when I wrote my number on his palm all those weeks ago. If I only knew then.

If I only knew then.

I left in a mess of emotions, waved him goodby nervously. It felt like being sixteen again and I saw that Draco blushed just as much as I probably did.

My breath was uneven and my body was shaking with nervous anticipation for the night to come. No pun intended.

As I left the downtown in my car I couldn't help but feel just a tad hopeful.

* * *

"How did you like it?" I asked. Both of our plates were now empty. I had made baked potato and filet mignon for dinner. I'm quite the cook, if I do say so myself.

Draco had looked nervous throughout the dinner and the conversations had been awkward. There was this tension between us that I wished I could just erase.

"It was delicious", he answered with a slightly nervous smirk on his lips. His very kissable lips. I wonder what other thing those lips could-

"Do you want a house tour?" I asked and stood up before my mind caused me trouble.

"Sure", he said and got up too.

I hope my nervousness wasn't radiating from my body. I was shaking furiously, at least it felt like it. I was still wearing the navy blue shirt and dark denims. Draco wore an extremely tight black shirt and a little bit looser black trousers. It made me wonder if he was wearing black pants as well.

"This here is the kitchen!" I almost yelled, my cheeks reddening and I waved towards the kitchen.

He laughed. "I know", he said and smirked that infuriatingly handsome smirk. If I won't die of embarresment I will die at the hands of that smirk.

I lead him through the livingroom, asking him about the Academy he was going to. Draco told me about this final performance they'll have and he had auditioned for the main role but he was yet to know whether or not he got it.

"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you", I told him and sent him the best smile I could and the way he smiled back to me was just like being back in his bathroom less than a week ago.

I pushed him against the wall and held him still, his breathing came ragged and his heart sped up. Just like me.

His smell danced around all of my senses and I closed my eyes for just a second and I let it take over me. Overwhelm me.

He still smelled of apples and cologne but the blood was long gone, thank God!

I leant forwards, impossibly close and looked deep into his beautiful grey eyes. They gleamed like gemstones again and the way he licked his lips as if preparing himself sent my whole body tingling and shaking with anticipation.

When I was just a grass straw away I noticed mine and Ginny's wedding photo right next to Draco's head and the moment was dead.

"I want to kiss you so badly, it's killing me not to. I just can't", I said and rested my forehead against his and looked at those welcoming lips.

"I understand", he said, disappointment evident. "I think I should go", he added and I nodded at him, not meeting his eyes.

When I heard the door slam I fell down onto the floor like a baby trying to take his first step but failing. And that is exactly what it felt like. I failed myself.

* * *

 

The day after was a struggle. It was the hardest, most infuriating class I've ever held in my life. Ever.

I tried so hard not to touch him, it's insane! His hair was not in the usually styled way it's been all of the other times I've seen him. It was disheveled and made him look unbelievably sexier than I've ever seen him before. Which I thought was humanly impossible for him. Nothing was.

He did quite good on the lesson. I think he did better than I had expected but he was quite fit. I lend him a karate uniform that didn't give much away to imagination. Just as I wanted, but I shouldn't have since my concentration was completely elsewhere.

When the class was over I sent him to the showers and followed after I had gotten all of the tools back to their own spots.

Draco was already in the showers. I was frozen on the floor, bag in hand, with full sight of his body under the water. I fought the urge to undress and go in there to him and do things my imagination couldn't give me. It took all of me and my self control not to give in to lust.

My eyes followed the curves of his naked, wet body and I did something that I haven't done in a very long time. _I gave in_.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

In less than four weeks it'll be Christmas and I didn't have any classes this Monday because I chose to take a leave of absece today to clear my mind. And meet Remus and Sirius later, of course.

So in Ginny's absence –and the lack of something better to do– I decided to start decorating the house but my mind wasn't with me.

I swallowed, feeling both guilty and not guilty at the same time. It was Remus' and Sirius' fault, really. They made me do it. Well, it wasn't like they were both standing in the changing rooms screaming "do it, Harry, do it, do it, do it!" but they were the ones putting the thought in my head.

The changing room is forever changed now. And to be honest, I'm not at all sorry about that. Not at all.

I don't remember taking my clothes off but when I approached him I was naked. If you have to ask me who "he" is then you've lived under a rock these past few months. There has only been one "he" in my life for all this time.

Draco.

His hair was wet and slicked to his skull, small water droplets swam over his pale, exposed skin. I watched them travel from his slender neck, between his shoulderblades, down his back and over his well defined arse. I licked my lips.

He was skinny, but fit. I walked towards him but he didn't hear me come. I put my hand on his shoulder, he almost jumped out of surprise until his eyes met mine. Our eyes formed some secret alliance and agreed on something neither me nor Draco was consious about.

I used my second hand to turn him around and looked at him in all of his naked glory. His skin was glistening and I dragged both of my hands down his shoulders and smoothed his wet chest.

Draco stumbled backwards, perhaps out of surprise. At least I hope so as my hands continued their journey on his body. There was something quite erotic about touching another man in the showers. When both of us were naked.

I went closer, finally getting that damn kiss I've been wanting for God knows how long. His eyes were gleaming like gemstones again and I knew in that moment that this was where I was supposed to be.

My hands went up to his shoulders again and I tilted my head slightly, watching him do the same just before I closed my eyes.

And then I kissed him.

 _Finally_.

His lips was soft and wet, it felt like everything around us just died away. Disappeared. It was like the apocalypse had happened and that the two of us were the only survivors. It was beautiful. Like the sun that sets, like the northern lights, like the smile of a loved one and like the gleaming, gemstone like, grey eyes I'll never forget.

It was like magic. Like a spell or a curse or a jinx that made everything for once make sense. Make me feel like I was finally home.

I felt a tongue tickle my upper lip and I gasped inside his mouth, feeling a tongue work its way inside me. All I knew was that I never wanted that moment to end.

It was a beginning but also an end. It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. It took away all of my selfcontrol and the way I saw myself.

But it was worth it. It will always be worth it.

I felt the tongue explore every centimeter of my mouth and I pushed him back so that he would be resting against the wall.

His lips left mine as he breathed a curse. " _Fuck_ ", he gasped, reaching behind to stroke his back. I chuckled.

Draco sent me a pointed look. "Oh, maybe I should just push you against one of these metalthings and see how you like it", he exclaimed dramatically making me laugh.

I went closer to him and put my mouth just by his ear. "You can push me up against _anything_ if you want", I said and then I licked the inside of his ear making him cringe.

When I stepped back a bit to look at him he first looked extremely surprised but then he smirked at me. I took it upon myself to make it my duty to wipe that smirk off his face.

My hands found their way lower on his body which was still soaking wet and as I looked down I catched my breath.

His cock was pink and thick. I witnessed it growing thicker and longer as I stroked the skin just above it, on his lower stumach. I heard him catch his breath and I didn't hesitate before I took hold of his cock and started working on the head of it. He gasped and I took his beautiful lips back to mine.

I felt the pulse of his thickening, hardening cock in my hand and as i stroke it I felt my own respond to the movement. I started twirling my fingers around the head of his cock, he moaned occasionally and I looked up to watch him as he'd come in my hand.

He didn't.

Draco grabbed my wrist and when I looked at him and the expression of his face I could have fallen to the floor or something!

His eyes were sparkling with mischief and challenge and his mouth was once again a smirk.

I didn't have time to ask him what he was about to do until he had me pinned against a wall and kissed me again. This time it was a lot more passionate and erotic and I could swear I couldn't think straight. Which I have to say was a good thing.

He could have done whatever he wanted with my body from that moment on, I could feel it. He was undoing me in a way I've never been undone before.

The lips and tongue that was working on my mouth left for my neck, massaging the pulse point. I tilted my head to expose as much skin for him as I could. He took it for just a second before he worked lower on my body, kissing and sucking a path down.

My head tilted backwards, resting against the wall, my lips slightly opened, gasping, moaning as my cock was surrounded by a wet mouth. Draco's tongue was stroking the underside of my cock and I felt it respond to his movements. My cock throbbed and pulsed and thickened after his touch.

He swallowed me, my breathing fastened and hitched in my throat. My heart beated faster and faster and faster until I thought I would faint simply because my heart was beating so fast. My hips started shaking, wanting me to move but I couldn't. Draco's lips were pushed tightly around the length of my cock and he licked the head. I moaned.

I would have done this earlier if I knew it would feel like this. I felt two wet hands drag over my hips and to my arse. Fingers starting working inside me as he continued sucking the part of me that was still in his mouth. My hips shot out just a bit and I gasped again, my whole body tingling.

Draco's lips left my cock and I made a noise of protest, my head still resting against the wall.

"Crouch down", he said and my back slided down of its own accord until I was crouched down against the wall. I heard a sound and then the water was running again, streaming over my body, making me wetter and warmer.

I kept my eyes closed and felt a hand stroking the skin on my stumach and chest and a mouth once again on my neck. His kisses weren't like fireworks or electricity because describing them is as impossible as finding the gold by the end of the rainbow.

Two fingers worked to open me from behind again as the blond head went back to my cock.

I was fricking fucked from two sides now! A third finger slipped inside me and the fingers massaged my prostate as the mouth quickened its pace.

And as fast as it had started it had ended. Now I know how it feels to drag my hand through his soft, blonde hair as I came in his mouth. The reality was nothing like the fantasy at all. And not even a flashback or a memory could bring back the intensity and beauty that was in the showers at my workplace.

Do you remember when I described an orgasm for you, that it felt like everything goes black for a while and then everything would become clear as if seeing it for the first time. It really was like waking up for me, I had had a man giving me a blow-job while fucking my arse with his fingers.

The most scary thing about it wasn't that I enjoyed it. It was the fact that I wanted and looked forward to doing it again. Or even doing more than that. It was scary because I had a wife and I was straight and I love girls. I've always loved girls.

It was scary because for the first time in my life I realise it's a lie. Society has given me an image of how it was supposed to be and would I make my parents happy if I didn't turn out to be the way I was supposed to be? Not to say that I would have been kicked out of the Dursley's house because I was a freak. A fairy. A fag. A poof. Bent. Gay. Homosexual. Alien. Weird. Freak.

But I am both all of these things and none. I am not defined because I like something more then something else. You can define me if you want to. The Weasley's are going to hate me for this. I married a woman I could never love because that's what I was supposed to have done. No one ever told me I could have been with a man. They all told me that me and Ginny was meant to be together and I beleived it.

It's my fault then, isn't it? I should have known. I should have realised earlier that maybe, just maybe I was in love with the idea of Ginny. The idea that someone loved me for the first time in my life and I took advantage of it. Someone liked me in a none platonic way. Someone wanted to wake up next to me, to hug me, to kiss me, to fuck me. And I let her.

I married a woman and had sex with a man. I married my best friend's sister and cheated on her with the caterer of our wedding. I have to tell her and I have to leave her if my conscience can ever be cleared. I had sex with a man and if I want to do it again I can't have a wife.

I want to do it again.

* * *

"What have you been up to?" I asked as I sat down next to the small boy with the game boy. He turned his big hazelgreen eyes to me with a look of wonder on his face.

"You came back!", he announced happily and I felt some kind of urge to drag my hand through his hair to mess it up. I smiled at him reassuringly instead.

"That's what I said, Teddy, is it not?"

He nodded, still looking surprised and happy. "Most that tell me that, don't come back", he said and I felt the pang in my chest that I had felt the last I met him.

Teddy was a sweet boy, I really believe that but most people want a younger child if they adopt, and five is too old.

"How are your parents?" Teddy asked and looked at Sirius and Remus who both spoke to the woman in charge, probably about Natalia.

"You mean the two men over there?" I asked and Teddy nodded. "The man with the long, dark hair is my Godfather and the other man is his partner", I answered. The boy would probably not know what kind of partner I was referring to since he was only five but I felt that it was a smarter choice in words then to call him Sirius' "friend". I wonder what Remus would have said about that.

"Harry are you done?" a voice from behind me asked and I turned around to see the two men suddenly standing behind me. "Oh, hello there", Sirius said as he noticed the small boy next to me. "I'm Sirius", he said and waved a little and Teddy did the same.

"And I'm Remus", Remus said. Teddy turned his head to look intently at the man before him and furrowed his brows.

"Mrs Peggs told me my dad's Remus, too", Teddy said and I dragged my hand up and down his tiny back in confort.

Remus looked a bit shocked but Sirius' expression was the shocking one. He looked almost concerned. "It's quite an unusual name and is only fitting for the brave and kind men", Remus smiled at Teddy.

"And what's your mom's name, may I ask?" Sirius asked kindly and smiled at the small boy. A smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Nym'adora", Teddy answered and I saw something I couldn't place flicker in Sirius' eyes before he strode away. A couple of seconds later I noticed Remus closing his eyes and cursing to himself before he followed his partner out the door.

"I think I have to go now, Teddy, but I'll be back again. I promise", I said and dragged my hand up and down his small, fragile body once again before I stood to meet up with the two men outside.

What waited for me was not quite what I had expected.

"I can explain", I heard Remus say in a stern and frustrated voice. Sirius was a couple of paces before him, apperently not wanting to take the car home and instead walking.

"Good! Then explain to me how, when we had a fall out, you decided to have _sex_ with my _cousin_!?"

Oh.

_Oh!_

Realisation dawned on me. Teddy's hazelgreen eyes had looked so familiar to me bacause I had seen them before!

"You're Teddy's father!" I said just a tad too loud. Remus turned around and looked schocked as he stared at me. "You are, aren't you?"

"Yes", he admitted. "But I didn't know she was pregnant! I didn't know I had a child, like I've been trying to tell you!" he yelled at Sirius.

"Like that's what I'm mad about!" he screamed while gesticulating with his arms. "I leave and you fuck my cousin. You fucked my _female_ cousin, Remus! And she gave you a child! You know I've hated the fact that I couldn't do that for you and Dora already had!"

And then Sirius quickened his pace and walked further away from us. When Remus made to follow him I grabbed his arm to stop him.

"He'll come around. All he needs is space and time to think", I said and Remus looked down to the ground in defeat. "Shall I go in and fetch Natalia for you?" I asked but Remus shook his head.

"Mrs Peggs told us we can't have her until tomorrow", he responded and then we went to the car and drove to the downtown to Christmas shop in complete silence.

* * *

I was quite proud as I stepped into the house and noticed all of the Christmas decorations I hadn't remembered putting up.

Santas and Christmas Villages and reindeers and you name it was everywhere. I didn't even know we had that much stuff, if I'm frank with you.

I put down my shopping bags of things I'm giving people as Christmas presents. I think Hemrione would have been extremely proud that I have gone Christmas shopping more then the same week as Christmas, as I usually do.

"Harry is that you?" I heard a voice shout at me and I think it took me a couple of seconds too long before I realised who it was.

"Ginny!" I shouted back with a smile. Taking off my shoes and jacket and walking to the livingroom with the shoppingbags to greet her.

I remembered what I promised myself I'd do earlier today. I had to tell her about Draco and what had gone down the other day. She was my wife which gave her the rigth to know. It made me sad, though, to know that the way I've loved her has never been enough. I haven't loved her as fully as I should have simply because I couldn't.

I had to tell her. As fast as I see her the words need to leave my mouth or I know they never will.

And so I walked thorugh the door to the livingroom and opened my mouth to speak.

"What did you think of the game?" she asked me and I froze. She sat on the sofa in her pyjamas and a cup of tea, her hair pulled up in a pony tail.

I had completely forgotten that I had a game I was supposed to have watched.

Brilliant.

"Fuck, Ginny, I'm sorry I forgot", was probably the thing I should have said. But it wasn't.

"Yeah, of course! It was great, you played so good!" I said, hoping she wouldn't see right through me.

Ginny put her cup of tea down on the sofa table and then turned to look straight at me.

"You didn't watch it, did you?" she said calmly, disappointment evident in both her voice and her posture. I smiled weakly and sadly at her, shaking my head.

"No, I'm sorry I forgot", I said.

"It's okay", she answered and tried a reassuring smile. "As long as it doesn't happen again Harry James Potter". I laughed, she sounded like a mixture of herself, her mother and of Hermione.

"Look, Harry", she continued. "I know something's been up with you that you're not telling me about and it's okay. We all have times when we're not at our best and marriages are supposed to grow stronger from these times. All we have to do is promise each other we'll work this out. I know I haven't been the best wife to you lately and I hope you know you haven't been on your best behavior towards me either. All I'm saying is that I will not give up on us", she said. "Promise me you won't give up either".

"I promise", I said, feeling my throat thicken and my heart clench. I didn't have the gut to tell her no, ezpescially not when she looked at me with those hopeful, brown eyes.

I had married her, promised her that I would stay with her until death would do us apart. How could I not honor that promise. Because I knew inside me that choosing Draco was selfish, I wanted him but I stayed with Ginny because she wanted me and loved me. I couldn't be selfish so I only had one thing to do.

And so I never went back to Muggle's.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Just a couple of weeks until Christmas. I have completely avoided the café and I had asked a coworker to take my Saturday-after-lunch private lesson the other day. Everything to make sure my head would stay on track. Without any distraction.

I had Ginny. I loved Ginny and that had to be enough. The images I would see and the feelings my body would stubbornly fill me with, everytime I stepped into the lockerroom at the end of my day didn't seem to agree.

No matter what excuses or reasons I tell myself, they are all lies! I want more than what happend a week ago. Which I should have understood as I found myself spending my lunch searching different forums to find out how two guys have sex and found myself reading about how it feels to "bottom".

A man wrote that his first time bottoming felt like he just wanted to pee. For those of you who doesn't know what bottoming is it is basically when a man gets something up his arse, a finger or two, a tongue, a dildo or any other sex toy or a cock. It scared me a bit to think about that, having a cock in my arse, it seems to me like it would hurt a great bit because I'm not used to it. If there was one thing all these men agreed on, it was that it felt good. It hurt a bit before you have done it a couple of times but when you're used to it the sensations are phenomenal.

Before anyone takes it upon themselves to ask; _no_ , I did not spend my entire lunch break in my closed off office thinking about having gay sex with a blonde, gorgeous gay man or touch myself thinking about having gay sex with said man. I will deny that. Though I am not certain why anyone would think such a thing to start with.

"You have to lower your balance, spread your legs just a bit more and bend your knees so you don't hurt yourselves", I told my class of beginners. I had just taught them how to tie their belt.

"But Mr. Potter! If I spread my legs further I'd fall", Jonathan squeaked. He was indeed right.

"When I told you to spread your legs, I didn't mean that you should do the split", I said with the quite common urge to facepalm.

 _Just a couple of more minutes_ , I told myself. _Just a couple of more minutes and then you're free for the rest of the day_. Or night as it happened to be.

It was a messy lesson that day. I am usually quite good with the kids but lately I've only been seeing Teddy's face in them and that made me remember Sirius' and Remus' present quarrel about the boy. I haven't seen the two men since then.

"Have a good day, sir", a girl called Natasha said before she followed the rest of the students to the lockerrooms to change. The boys to the left and the girls to the right.

"Yes, have a good day", a voice from behind me said and i felt my whole body go stiff because _damn_ **,** have I tried hard not to think about this. To avoid this. To make sure it wouldn't happen and I built up my defenses and walls I didn't know I had to stay away and to save myself from my own want.

I built up my defenses as high as I could so that when I turned around, looked him straight in the eye, I could tell him to go, to leave as if that's what I actually wanted.

"Draco", I said and nodded to the blond man in greeting. I didn't look into his grey eyes since I knew that would be the death of, not only my defenses, but me. "Have a good day, too". And then I turned around again, put everything that was used in the lesson –which was too little– to take my mind off the man behind me.

I pretended he wasn't there, that maybe he had grown tired of me and left already, he was that quiet. But what was I supposed to say if he'll ask me where I've been? Why I made my coworker take his appointment or why I hadn't gone to Muggle's with Remus or Sirius lately. Why I had stayed away from him.

"Why?" was the only thing he asked. Just a simple "why" as if it was the easiest question in the world for me to answer. Why?

Why did I stay away? Why did I ignore him and have someone else teach him defense? Why couldn't I look into his eyes when I greeted him just a couple of minutes before?

"Because I was scared", I mumbled aloud.

"What?" he asked and my face went red, not because I had to admit it twice but because I didn't realise I had, not only admitted it to him but also to myself, the first time.

"Because I was scared", I repeated, a tad bit louder. My back was still turned to him.

I walked towards my office, as if fleeing from the scene of the crime. He was the crime and I am a criminal for tasting and trying what was forbidden for me. I cheated and no matter what I've done or what I'll do that won't change. I am a cheater. I've always been known for my talent of breaking rules.

"Why were you scared?" he asked before he closed the door to my office. I didn't trust myself to be alone in a closed off space with him. It called for catastophy, for disaster, for me.

He came towards me, I still had my back to him as if to tell myself he wasn't really there. It was like toxic, a drug that if –when– I'll take it, just the smallest bite, an eyeful, and I'll be in ruins. My defenses will lie shattered on the floor and I'll want more. As if I won't be content with anything but him and the feeling that fill my senses.

His hand was placed on my shoulder and that contact made me shiver, made me want to lean backwards so that my back rested against his chest, so that I felt his breath against my neck. I didn't let myself do that.

"Why were you scared?" he repeated the question and I breathed shakily, filling my nose with his smell of apple and cologne. I swallowed.

"Because", I began but coughed, as if my throat didn't want me to make excuses anymore. My breathing went uneven and deep as if the room suddenly was devoid of air.

"Because", I tried again. "I can't...", I began but his smell and presence made every coherent thought in my head disappear. If only he knew what he did to me. "Because I can't do this", I said breathlessly and fast, praying that he heard me because I didn't know if I could do it again.

"What do you mean you _can't_?" he asked, sounding a bit stiff.

I swallowed. "I'm married", I said.

Draco's laugh was tragic, devoid of any emotion, it was empty, unmeaningful. "Well, Mr. Stating the Obvious, you have always been married", he said and I closed my eyes in defeat, because his words made me feel dirty and ashamed. "It still didn't bother you the other night", he finished.

"That was different", I said and opened my eyes slowly, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves because he was still **too** close.

He moved quickly, turned me around to face him and I found myself staring into the only thing I told myself to avoid.

The grey eyes were gleaming but sad. Empty. I felt a sudden urge to turn them into gemstones again. To make them gleam with joy. As if that was the sole purpose of my life.

"Then tell me to go! Tell me you want me to lea-"

I kissed him. Hard. My whole body melted into him and it was like everything I was, was thrown out the window. Like my body was going on autopilot.

He kissed me back, tongues meeting urgently. Desperately. It was like if they'd stop they'd cease to exist. As if this was the reason for their whole existence.

My lips left his and I started kissing and biting the spot where his neck met his shoulder. Draco tilted his head to the side to give me full access to his neck. I closed my eyes to bury myself in the sensations of _him_.

Draco moaned and it was the most beautiful and erotic sound I've ever heard in my entire life.

I slipped my hands under his shirt and his breathing went ragged in that moment. His stumach and chest felt so soft and warm it filled me with the urge to examine all of him to see if all of him was that soft and warm.

In one movement Draco pulled the shirt off over his head, forcing me to break the contact between my lips and his neck, and then he captured my mouth in another desperate kiss. Hands working on my tied belt.

He turned us around so that he held me positioned to the door and kept kissing me passionately. Draco kissed me in a way Ginny never had, all the want and the need and the lust. I don't know if I've ever felt this _wanted_.

As hands were working on my belt, I started working on his buttons. The only coherent thought my brain could give me was "more skin", as if that was the only thing that meant something, that was important. It wasn't wrong.

When I had opened his flies completely I used my hands to pull them down beneath his knees. Draco had just finished untying my belt and was slipping his hands across my chest to my arms. The top of my karateuniform fell to the floor unnoticed. Hands were examining my chest, arms and stomach. I found I was losing myself more and more to the sensation of his touch.

Before I knew it my legs were wrapped around his waist, trousers and pants in a forgotten pile on the floor with my top.

I had two fingers opening me from behind as his mouth was working on undoing me by kissing my neck and then higher. His tongue and teeth teasing that sensitive spot right behind my ear making me shiver.

His fingers left my arsehole and a sound left my lips.

"Are you okay?" Draco asked, his whole body going stiff.

I opened my eyes and looked straight into his worried, grey orbs and smiled a secret, tiny smile at him.

"Yes", I said and looked down at his beautiful red, kiss-swollen lips. "More than okay actually". I kissed him, slowly but deep which turned deeper and more intense quite quickly.

The only thing that went through my head as I felt his cock thrust inside my arsehole was "I am going to bottom."

It felt weird, I'm telling you that. To suddenly have something enter a place where you're not used to having something. I think some people would call me a girl for this but I don't care. In that moment I was just drowning in the sensation that was Draco's mouth, tongue and cock.

With every thrust he hit a place inside me that I didn't know I had. It made shivers of pleasure erupt through my body making me forget everything but Draco, me and the sensations of his touch. It made me moan in a way I haven't been able to do when fucking a woman. You can't enjoy the pleasure of something while you're working out, which you basically do when you top. When you bottom, however, you can completely drown yourself in the pleasure.

"Potter". My name was uttered in such a shaky breath, that was half a moan and half a whisper, I almost didn't hear it.

"Potter", he said once again, but this time it was more strained and I felt his whole body tensing. He kissed me again, it was a sloppy kiss, as he wrapped his hand around my cock and started getting me off.

"Oh, fuck", I said so breathlessly I'm not sure he could actually hear what I said. On second thought, he had bigger things to handle.

"Oh shit... Oh Jesus...oh fuck! Harry".

He came inside me and just a second later I came in his hand, hard. I think I uttered his name as I came but I'm not sure.

* * *

I came home to a dark and silent house. I put my bag with my karate uniform in the hallway as I took off my shoes. It was late and I knew that. It was later than usual and Ginny was probably already in bed sleeping or out in a late jog.

Draco had left the building when I was supposed to shower, he said he had to get back somewhere but I couldn't hear it.

I undressed from my outside garments, picked up my bag again and started walking towards mine and Ginny's room.

When I passed the kitchen I thought I saw the shadow of a candlelight, which was odd since Ginny is very careful about blowing them out before going to sleep.

That's when I heard the music that stopped me in my tracks.

She was actually awake.

I walked into the kitchen, bag still in hands. The table was decorated with a red cloth, china, wine glasses and burning candles. Some sort of orchestra was playing in the background from Ginny's computer that was positioned on the bench next to the fridge.

Ginny looked at me nervously but happily too. She looked like she was bursting with happiness but also out of carefulness. As if she was worried.

She smiled a small, beautiful smile at me that made my heart skip a beat.

"You're late", she said and my throat went tight because she had been waiting for me, and cooked for me, from the looks of it.

"One of my students had some questions for me", I lied. "What have you cooked?" I asked and sat down opposite her.

"I made some paella", she said and her smile made her whole body glow. She started filling both our plates with the dish and I could almost taste it on my tongue.

"It smells wonderful", I said, reached for her hand and squeezed it for a moment while sending her the best smile that I could, which was obviously fake. My heart wasn't with it.

"I have to tell you something", she said and put down her fork and looked down at her plate. I put mine down too, halfway to my mouth and looked at her questioningly.

"Do you want some wine?" She asked and filled my glass with the red liquid before I could accept or decline. I raised it to take a sip.

Her own glass was filled with water which she downed in one go.

"I'm pregnant", she said so fast I almost didn't understand it. But I did and it made me freeze, thankful I hadn't taken a mouthful of wine instead of the sip. Ginny would never have forgotten the stains.

"What?" I asked even though I knew what she had said, I just couldn't believe it. I don't even remember the last time we had sex, for crying out loud! It was probably that one time a couple of weeks ago, but I'm not sure.

"I'm pregnant", she said and smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen her smile. It was like she was happy, truly happy.

"Oh my God, Ginny!" I almost screamed and rose from my chair. "That's amazing", I added and kissed her on her forehead because a kiss on the mouth would be harder. As if pretending to be happy about my wife being pregnant wasn't enough.

"So what are you doing this thursday?" she asked, her brown eyes gleaming, sparkling as they looked into mine. I would've paid a great price to find out what she saw in my green orbs. Did she see betrayal, a cheater, a scumbag, loser, idiot? Did she see _me_? The way I felt , did she see my lies? Could she see through me? I prayed to God she couldn't as much as I prayed that she could. I wanted an easy out.

"Why?" I asked and she tilted her head slightly to the side.

"The first doctor's appointment", she said, her smile turning just a tad nervous or careful and it made me wonder why. "Do you want to go?"

"God, Ginny! Of course I want to go. This is brilliant, it truly is!" Not.

She sighed in relief. "You really think so?" she asked and her eyes turned into the nightsky. I nodded.

"Absolutely". I kissed her once more on the forehead before I went back to eatingthe paella she cooked. The chicken, because we eat it with chicken, was a little too dry and the rice was just a tad too overcooked. I didn't let her know that though.

* * *

The alarm clock rang at half past seven the next day for Ginny to get ready to get to the local supermarket. For the first time in my life I went up the same time as she did. She wasn't that loud this morning, it was like finding out she was pregnant made her more careful and calm.

We had a nice morning, I made her breakfast and drove her to the downtown. She asked me if I could get her a coffee.

I made up my mind too quickly for my own liking.

"I'll be back soon", I told her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before I left the car.

It was cold outside and it seemed fitting somehow. If I was going to do this it had to be done with class and confidence. I felt quite proud of myself that I was going to his cafe to say it. He will understand.

The shop was warm as I stepped inside. I was filled with the smell of chocolate, biscuits and coffee. It was a smell and an atmosphere that I had grown accustomed to.

"Harry", the voice said a bit surprised, and it brought me back to my office where the same voice uttered my name as he came inside me and I was fucked against the door.

It was odd to hear him call me "Harry" when we weren't intimate. When we were just two people, the cashier and the costumer.

He smiled a secret smile at me, his eyes glowing and I smiled back at him. I had a sudden urge to kiss him in front of everyone and not care about my wife waiting in the car outside. I wanted to kiss that smile, being proud that it had replaced his smirk.

"Hello, Draco", I said and smiled professionally at him. "I want a black coffee and a cappuccino, please", I added as if I were just another costumer ordering coffee after eight.

Draco looked at me a bit taken aback.

"Tired this morning, I s'ppose", he said as he noted my order on the cashing machine.

"What?" I asked. He looked up from the machine to look at me with teasing eyes and an equally teasing smile.

He told me the price and I handed him the money. " _You_ ordered two coffees, or had you planned on giving one of them to someone special?" he joked, eyes twinkling and the smirk was back.

"Yeah actually", I said and he chuckled.

"But I like the latte more", he said and started setting off working on the coffees.

"Well, I know, but it's for Ginny", I said.

He froze for a couple of seconds before he returned to the coffees.

"Everything going well between you then, I presume?" he asked, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. Maybe he hoped I would tell him that... Actually I have no idea what he could hope to hear me say about Ginny and my relationship other than it not going well.

"She's pregnant", I said and the paper cup containing the black coffee fell to the floor. The liquid poured out from the damaged cup and smeared out on the floor while Draco just stood completely frozen.

"Are you okay", I asked him, staring at his back, hoping he had't accidentally burned himself.

His trans was broken as he turned around to face me. Draco picked up the cup from the floor and threw it at me.

"Get the _fuck_ out!" He screamed, his eyes big, bright and red. His jaw tense and his nostrils flared. He looked at me as if he would've murdered me if he could.

" _I've always been married_ ", I whispered to keep the privacy of our conversation . " _It still didn't bother you the other night_ ". I repeated the same thing he had told me yesterday. It seemed to make him even angrier.

"Fuck you!" he spat.

"You'd like that wouldn't you", I yelled back, feeling my own temper rising. Suddenly our conversation wasn't private anymore.

"You're choosing _her_ , aren't you", he said. It wasn't a question, just a mere statement. I ran my hand over my face and through my hair.

"I'm sorry but this has to stop", I whispered, leaning towards him. We had already attracted the attention of the few costumers that were already in the shop. "Let us please act like adults in this so please calm down."

"You're telling me to act like an adult? You were the one telling me your wife is pregnant over a cup of coffee, literally over a cup off coffee!"

"Maybe it wasn't as smart a plan as I thought but..."

"No it wasn't."

Draco had calmed down now and I had, too. Obviously it hadn't gone fairly as well as I had hoped it would.

"If you tell me this has to stop, then when you go, don't expect me to take you back when you feel like it", he said, as if _I_ was the one going to _his_ workplace to fuck _him_ against the door to _his_ office.

"Give me my order and then you won't have to see me again", I said and sent him a reassuring smile.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"What do you think about Elsa, if it's a girl?"

"I don't know, I've always planned on naming my daughter Lily", I answered. "You know after my mother".

Me and Ginny were waiting in the waiting room in the hospital for our appointment, I found the sofas to be quite comfortable but Ginny didn't seem to agree. She had spent the last couple of minutes complaining about her arse falling asleep and such. The only subject we could talk about that put her mind away from her numbing arse was our child.

I was going to be a _father_.

Remus had lent me one of his cardigans to show his support. He told me he had worn the same cardigan when he and Sirius were to meet Natalia for the first time. And after that Remus was silent, the thought probably made him think about something sad.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Remus came knocking on our door two days ago, wanting to stay the night. He told me that Sirius wanted to be alone and Remus wanted to give him space, to sort things out alone and that when he was ready Remus would be happy to come home. It's been almost two weeks now since Sirius and Remus found out about Teddy. I haven't asked Remus what he is planning to do with Teddy now that he knows he has a son. A biological son.

I haven't asked yet. It feels like the two men needs their time, I guess old people need to be alone for a bit, as well. To get away form everything.

Remus spends the days in our livingroom _knitting_. He told me he's already graded all of his class' assignments and I told him I didn't know he was a teacher. "Evening courses", he told me.

"Yeah, I know. But what if we get three girls, we can't call them all Lily. You know poeple will start calling them the 'free Lilies' when they go to school", she joked with her playful smile making her whole body glow. I squeezed her hand and placed it on my lap, laying my second hand above it, too.

"We will _not_ have three children in one go", I told her. " _Espescially_ not with the same name". She turned her head and smiled at me, that beautiful, secret smile we used to give one another a lot back in the day. It didn't make me feel the way it used to, but I rather not think about it. I rather not think at all.

"So, we'll name one Lily and one Elsa. Deal?"

I chuckled. "Deal, but what about the third?"

"Maybe we shouldn't name the third. Have her running around nameless, that'd be kind of fun", she smirked. It was a look that didn't fit her that well, as well as the fact that it only reminded me of someone else. Someone I've tried to forget.

I told myself to stop thinking, again.

"What about Hedwig?" I asked. "It's a nice name, I used to call the pigeon in the park Hedwig. I used to feed her the crumbs from my lunch sandwich everytime I..."

"A pigeon? Pigwidgeon! That will be the third name", Ginny announced gleefully. "Lily, Elsa and Pigwidgeon! We can even call her Piggy, isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard?"

"Piggy?!" I asked exasperated and stared at my wife. "You weren't okay with 'free lilies' but ' _Piggy_ '! I feel terribly sorry for that girl's future. No one should be called Piggy, it's a nasty nickname."

"Hey, sometimes the nickname is better than the _real_ name", Ginny responded, using her free hand to slap me on my shoulder lightly.

"Oh, I'm sorry _Ginevra_ , I didn't mean to... You know what? What if two are girls and one is a boy, huh?"

"Then he'd be James, after your father, or he could be Vernon, after your uncle", she joked, or at least I hoped she was joking.

"I am _not_ naming my son after _Vernon Dursley_!"

She just laughed at me.

"Oh, but why not? He may not have been the nicest to you growing up but he always kept you out of harms way, didn't he? He _protected_ you." Okay I don't know if she's joking or not anymore.

"You have to be bloody mental! There is no way I'd name a _child_ after a man that has been nothing but cruel to me my entire life", I told her but she just chuckled and waved a bit with her free hand.

"Of course I'm joking, I'm not insane, Harry, it's my child _too_ , remember? You're child is also my child, unless we adopt but I can't see that happening", she said and I was instantly reminded of Teddy. I wonder what'll happen to him now that he isn't an orphan anymore. Will Remus and Sirius take him in, he is Remus's biological child after all, it's more than his right to do so.

All I can imagine is Teddy's happy face when he realise that when Sirius and Remus tell him "I'll be back" it is always going to come true. People won't leave him again, he won't be alone. That thought made me smile to myself. I really hope Remus and Sirius will work things out, if not for the sake of their relationship then for Teddy. I've come to grow quite fond of that child, if I had thought me and Ginny were ready to have a child I'd ask her if we could adopt him.

"Mr and Mrs Potter, you may come in now", a voice called.

 _Oh right_. I am having a child. Me and Ginny are having a child. I'm going to be a father. Are we ready for this? Am _I_ ready for this? It scared me because I didn't know the answer.

"I usually have the first prenatal visit when the one carrying the child is 8 weeks pregnant. For you I'm making an exception since you didn't know how far along you are, and because there's just a couple of days before Christmas and I didn't want Father Christmas to think I'm naughty", the obstetrician told us. He was an old man in a white coat, his hair was grey and thin.

Wonder if he actually believes in Father Christmas or if he's only joking. I can't tell.

"Wait. You said 'the one carrying the child', you mean the _woman_ , don't you?" I asked as Ginny took a seat on the hospital bed.

The obstetrician gave me a stern look as if what I asked was the most common or stupid question he has ever heard.

"The carrier doesn't have to be female, there have been cases when a man have been pregnant. Even though he was a man with ovaries he was still pregnant", the man answered before turning back to Ginny.

"Yeah, but wasn't he _born_ female?" I asked. The old man ignored me.

"Mrs Potter, you may lay down."

Ginny obeyed. She laud down flat on her back on the hospital bed and I went to sit by the wall on one of the visitor's chairs so as not to interrupt.

"The husbands usually hold their wives hands while doing this", the obstitrician said before turning to me. "Or maybe you're her father, I wouldn't know".

Damn Ginny for laughing at that. I do _not_ look that old.

I went to stand next to Ginny, just like the man had said I should, and held her hand.

We waited a couple of minutes, the man (I'm tired of saying his titel, it's _too_ complicated...) had asked us –Ginny– some questions about our sexlife and didn't let me answer. Just imagine a fifty plus man talking about _your_ sexlife with your wife... I mean, I will have nightmares for months, honestly. He seemed all too interested, if you ask me.

I think I'm going to be sick. I just know I wouldn't be able to stand it if he was going to start to talking to us about _his_ sexlife.

Brilliant, Harry, now you _are_ sick.

Stop. Imagining. _That_.

"I don't think his body can be _that_ agile", a voice in my head said and it sounded surprisingly much like Hermione, or maybe Ginny. I blushed when I realized what I had just thought and shook my head.

What did I say about stop thinking?

Then we heard it. The heartbeats. It was soft and very, very silent, at first I thought I had imagined it but then it came again. And again, and again.

Ginny started tearing up, squeezing my hand and I squeezed back.

"It's our kid, Harry! Can you believe it?" Thick tears started streaming her face and she smiled as bright, big and beautiful as I've ever seen her. I felt myself tearing up a bit, even though it still didn't feel real. It felt as though I was dreaming, and no one was nice enough to wake me up.

I wonder what I would wake up to if this actually _was_ a dream. Would I wake up with Ginny there from the beginning of our relationship just so I could break things off with her before things got complicated. Or maybe I'd find myself in bed with a man.

The man –or doctor or whatever– had got the little televisionlike box set up so that we could, not only hear but actually _see_ our kid! Of course most of you are already familiar with this, I, however, am not.

"Do you want to learn the gender of your child?" the man asked.

"Yes", Ginny said at the same time as I said "no". She turned to look at me with confused eyes and a furrowed brow, as if waiting for me to explain myself.

"I don't think we should", I told her and tried to sound and look as confident as I could muster. "Our child won't know who their parents are before they meet us, it's only fair", I reasoned. Ginny looked like she wanted to argue with me but then she bit her lower lip and nodded.

"Fine", she said. "But I decide on the middle name".

I chuckled. "Deal".

* * *

"Do I look old?" I asked Ginny when we were in the car on our way home.

"No," she said and I could she was trying no to sound amused. The question had been nagging me form the back of my mind since we left the office.

We found out that Ginny was six or seven weeks pregnant and due in August. We are going to have a summerchild, just like the two of us. The summer family, we will be. Me the 31st of July and Ginny the 11th of August. And our little kid in August, too.

I am going to be a dad, a thought that still hasn't become real to me, even after our first parental visit. Maybe I need a couple more before I believe it. I just hope I will have realized it before Ginny's in labour.

"Seriously, Ginny. Be honest, do I or do I not?"

"Yes".

"Yes, what?" I ask, confused.

She sighed. "Yes, you look older than you are since you dress like an old man, no modern man wears cardigans", she said.

"Remus do", I responded with a smirk.

"Yes he does and _he_ is old, so he has a valid reason for it"

He was also waiting in the kitchen for us to come home. He had made some lasagna which smelled absolutely flawless and I felt my mouth watering just by the smell.

"How was it?" he asked, his face was flushed like it has been since he knocked on the door a couple of days ago. I can see that he is faking his smile to be polite. I understand how it must be for him, losing the one he loves, his other half or whatever they say. Not being wanted at his own house, their home.

"It was great, we got to hear their heartbeat and even see them", I said and my face broke into a wide grin. "It was brilliant".

"I'm glad to hear it. So you didn't want to know the gender, I presume", he said and tilted his head a bit to the side, he suddenly had a dreamy look on his face.

"No", I said. "We agreed not to."

Remus nodded to me. "I see", he said. I could tell there was something on the man's mind and I was afraid I had to actually drag it out of him.

I sat down by the table, Ginny was at the bathroom doing who-knows-what. Remus put the lasagna on the table and sat down opposite me.

"Out with it", I said and pushed my glasses up my nose, I'm so used to them now that I hardly even acknowledge them anymore, but sometimes they just want to slid down my nose as if it's a slide.

I heard the other man exhale and when I looked at him he held his head in his hands, elbows on the table.

"It's Christmas in two days", he said and I nodded. A part of me wanted to thank him for stating the obvious or tell him that I can't believe I forgot but I bit my tongue. I could tell he was quite distraught about something so I kept quiet and let him take his time.

Ginny entered the room and sat down next to me.

"What have I missed?" she asked but I just inclined my head towards Remus who still rested his head in his hands.

"If Sirius doesn't want me back by then, could I perhaps...?" he asked the unfinished sentence but I think both Ginny and I understood what he was getting at. It just pains me that he thinks that it's about Sirius not _wanting_ him back.

Seeing Remus like this, as if he's a wall that is about to break but keeps walking, makes me want to take my car to the Black-Lupin house and demand Sirius takes Remus back. It's not that simple, I'm afraid. Sirius has to take his time and no matter how much I want to I can't rush it.

"Of course", I say when I notice neither me nor Ginny has answered him. Remus looked between the two of us with an unsure look on his face.

I turned to Ginny and she stared at me with eyes as unsure as Remus' but I looked back at the man instead.

"Of course, you'll stay with us", I smiled at him reassuringly. "If Sirius doesn't come here, taking you back home then you're of course spending Christmas with us! We are a family now", I announced and Remus chuckled, clearly relieved and started filling my plate with the delicious smelling lasagna.

* * *

As if turns out Sirius didn't take Remus back before Christmas and so the three of us found ourselves at the Wealey cottage. Remus was in a deep conversation with Arthur Wealey, Ginny's dad, from the looks of it. It was good that he was socialising, I don't think he's left our house since we let him in, actually.

"Do you think we should tell them?" Ginny asked me. The two of us were seated on the sofa in the living room.

"Who?" I asked. Ginny nodded towards the kitchen where Hermione and Ron were talking with Molly, Ginny's and Ron's mother.

Ron was wearing a red jumper with the letter "R" on it. It was the traditional Weaesley jumper, I bet I'm going to have one, too. Everyone invited will.

"I suppose so", I say. Ginny slap me on my arm so I guess it was the wrong answer, I swear having a wife is like constantly having an autocorrect around. At least for me, Arthur and even Ron someday. When he actually takes the courage to go down on his knees and pop the question, that is. And knowing Ron that might take a while. Or a bit longer than that.

"I mean do you think we should tell them _before_ we tell everyone else. I think we should tell them all over dinner, like a big Christmas surprise. What do you think?" she asks and I'm confused.

"Yeah", I say. It's usually the correct answer.

Or not.

"Will you ever stop hitting me?" I ask, rubbing my hand over my arm, pouting like a little child but she just chuckles. She knows I'm only playing, that tosser.

"Depends. Will you ever _listen_?" She smirks at me and I look away from her. I am content with everything, it's great. Everything is fine but that facial expression takes it all away. It _makes_ me remember. It _demands_ me to remember. Everything. Every. Single. Thing.

The time in his bathroom, the way his grey eyes were glowing and the way we went closer and closer together in an almost-kiss. Then I remember the hallway in my house, you have _no idea_ how bloody hard it was to go past it after he had been there.

And I remember the way he looked when I found him that night. Ruined. Those three, big, black letters on his forehead that screamed at me. _Fag_.

I remember the showers at work and it made me shiver and close my eyes. For just a couple of seconds I let myself forget that Ginny was beside me and that we were having a child and that we were in the Weasley cottage with other _people_. In my head there was just me, Draco and the showers.

He smirked at me, his skin sparkling in all of his naked glory because of the water and then how his face disappeared to between my legs. I moaned, I may even have moaned out loud but I didn't care.

Someone hit me on the arm, _again_.

"Are you alright?" Ginny asked, looking at me, her eyebrows furrowed.

_Well, you know, I have broken things off with my gay lover and now I am yearning for a good shag because as it turns out he can actually fuck me senseless. But well I have a wife and a child on the way so I haven't been able to act on it._

Yeah, as if I could actually tell her the truth. I'm not mental, mind you.

"Stumachache", I lied and her brows shot up to her hairline. "I'll be right back, and then we tell Ron and Hermione together, okay?" I said and kissed her on her forehead before I left for the bathroom.

And now she thinks I'm taking a shit, but well. I'll be undisturbed, won't I...

I undressed the first thing I did, feeling extremely thankful that my cock wasn't completely hardened, it had just begun to. I think I moaned when I touched it while relieving my body off the burden off both trousers and pants.

My eyelids fluttered closed as my fingers wrapped around my cock. His face was there suddenly, out of the blue, his mouth was what closed around my cock, not my hand. My hand was somewhere else, perhaps in his har again. His hair that was blond, almost white and soft and wet and just _amazing_. I stroked it as his tongue was doing things to me I had forgotten it could. It's been too long.

A moan leaves my lips and I fall to the wall behind me, resting my back against it. His mouth is working faster now, and then teasingly slow, one of his hands is stroking me right between and behind my balls and I shiver.

"Tosser", I hiss and I think he can hear that I'm smiling. He chuckles from down in his throat and it's the most erotic sound I've ever heard. Espescially because of the circumstances.

I moan again and imagine the feel of his skin, the soft, warm, wet skin. I knew from the moment that I touched him that it wasn't an ordinary touch, it's intimate on a whole new level from what I'm used to. From what me and Ginny have. It feels _right_. It feels like my hands were created _for_ him, to touch him and his for me. His mouth was made to kiss me and to undo me.

"You love it", he says and my smile gets impossibly wide.

"Maybe", I whisper, so that only he can hear. As if we where having a secret conversation, as if our conversation was the only one that mattered. And for me that was the case.

His tongue is licking its way on the underside of my cock and my breath hitch in my throat and my body shivers.

"Tell me you love it", he says and I would curse him for taking advantage of the situation. Just wait, Draco Malfoy, until the tables are turned and I'll make you admit things you didn't even know yourself.

"I love it", I said. It was barely audible, my head was resting against the wall and I swallow. My throat seems dry and I feel like I'm short of breath, as if it's hard to breath.

"I didn't hear you", he says and for a while I wonder how he can do _that_ with his mouth, undoing me while talking. He has more talents than I thought was humanly possible, so it's not like I'm surprised.

"I love it".

"Again".

"Damn it. I love you, happy now!" I asked. When I realised what I had said I opened my eyes to watch his reaction.

It was just me, with my hand on my cock in the bathroom. My wife was sitting in the living room by herself. My _pregnant_ wife, waiting for me to tell our friends that we're expecting a child together.

And I just admitted something I didn't even know myself. Damn you Draco Malfoy!

I slid down the wall, still half undressed, put down my glasses next to me and buried my head in my hands.

 _Damn you, Draco Malfoy_. I thought. _Even when I've been avoiding you, you don't disappear, do you? As if it wasn't hard enough as it was._

I sit like that for I don't know how long, for a while I contemplated whether or not I should cry. You know, to just let it all out, all of the emotions. I've heard it's supposed to feel better afterwards.

After an even longer while I rose up, cleaned myself and put on my pants and trousers again. Then I flushed the toilet just in case someone was outside checking on me.

No one was standing outside, as it happens. I guess everyone are still down in the kitchen and living room.

When I get to the living room, Ginny is sitting on the sofa with Ron and Hermione.

"Oh there you are, Harry!" Hermione said when she saw me approaching her. She rose from the sofa and went towards me with open arms and then she hugged me. Tight. I hugged her back.

It has been far too long since I've seen my best friends.

"Happy Christmas", she says and I chuckle. When we break the hug I hold onto her and look into her eyes. "Happy Christmas, 'Mione", I say and then we turn back to Ron and Ginny, still sitting on the sofa.

"Me and Harry has something to tell you", Ginny says.

Hermione turn her head and look at me with one eyebrow raised questioningly as if she was asking " _really_?"

When I looked at Ron he was staring at with narrowed eyes as if I was plotting something horrible.

Hermione took a seat next to Ron as Ginny stood up to stand next to me.

"The thing is", Ginny began and I grabbed her hand and squeezed it reassurlingly. "We're having a child", she finished and as Hermione's hands flew up to her not tearful eyes and Ron's frozen expression a sound came from the kitchen behind us.

Ginny and I turned around to see both Molly and Arthur staring at us. It took only a second for Molly to snap out of her schock and she did so with her heartwarmingly happy face. Molly came towards us with open arms.

"I'm going to be a grandma!" she announced gleefully and a bit throaty. She had started crying when she enveloped the two of us in a tight hug.

Arthur joined in a second later.

"What is this I see here?" came a voice that was either Fred or George.

"A gropefest and we wasn't invited?" One of them said, pretending to be offended by the sound of it. You can tell when they're just playing because of their grins, they always wear them, either on their face or in their voice it's like they're always happy.

"Are you pregnant, sis?" came Ron't careful voice and I roll my eyes.

Molly let's us go and Ginny repeats herself to Ron while Hermioen goes "Honestly, Ron! Ginny's pregnant, it's not rocketscience".

I just chuckle at the three of them, the three people I used to hold closest to my heart. Ginny, Ron and Hermione. I suppose not anymore. Well Hermione and Ron are still my best friends and I'm not planning on changing that it's just that... I don't know, actually, a lot of things has changed, is all.

"Did I hear _pregnant_?" came one of the twins voices. I turned around to look at them, Fred had a purple jumper with a yellow "F" on it and George had a yellow shirt with a purple "G" on it.

Percy came at that and then Bill and Fleur. All of them asking the same question. All of the Weasley's went to Ginny to give her a hug and touch her belly as if they could already feel the baby inside of her. All of them passed by me, giving me a little slap on my shoulder as if to say "good job, son".

When everyone else were too busy congratulating Ginny to notice me I left the room to go outside and get some air.

_What am I doing?_

I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't bloody _breathe_. What am I doing?

"What are you doing, _Potter_? Are you hiding from something?" a voice asked me and my head turns to the side. I stare into grey eyes and my stumach flips and my heart starts beating faster.

"No", I say. "Of course not". He comes closer to me.

"Oh, I think you are", he says and his smile is half mischief and half sad. An odd mixture but he wore it, still.

"Then tell me what I'm hiding from", I say and my breath hitch because he comes even closer to me.

"I think you're hiding from me", he says and tilts his head a bit to the side as his face comes closer to mine. "And from yourself", he whispers. I close my eyes and gets myself ready for the touch of his lips against mine, like I've been denied it for _years_.

I part my lips just a bit and lean towards him. _Just a little bit closer, now_.

"What're you doing out here, Harry?" came Ron's voice and I opened my eyes. Draco wasn't there.

 _Maybe I could need a drink_. A voice in my head offers. _Or maybe this is a reason I shouldn't get a drink._ Another voice offers and I think I might listen to the second one. If I'm like this after just one drink who knows how I'll be after a couple of more.

"I just needed some air", I said and turned back to look at their front garden.

"Are you okay?" he asks. Ron comes to stand next to, he doesn't look at me, he just looks ahead just like me. That's the good thing about Ron, he wouldn't pressure me for answers he just knows that I'll tell if I'm ready and willing.

"Yes, I am. Just a bit overwhelmes, I guess", I say.

"I s'ppose", he says. "You know I've been wanting to tell you something".

I turn my head to look at him, he's still looking ahead, his red hair is a mess and his face is flushed, making his freckles pop out even more, oddly enough.

"What is it?" I ask. "'Mione isn't pregnant, is she?" Ron just chuckles and hit me on my arm.

Honestly, what is it with people and my arm? What has it ever done to you?

"Thank God, no", he said and then he turned to look at me. "I'm thinking about proposing to her. On New Year's Eve".

I can feel my jaw drop.

Ron's face goes from confident to unsure and I start laughing.

"That's about time!" I laugh and hug him tightly.

He laugh too.

"I was planning on doing it here, but on the backyard at the New Year's party so you'll be there, too. And all of our friends and family", he told me and I couldn't help but feel excited and happy for my friend.

"That is wonderful Ron! I absolutely can't wait", I say and he chuckles. We stand like that for a bit until both of us turn back to look out over the front garden.

"I think mum's almost finished with the turkey now", Ron said and took a step towards the front door. "Are you coming?"

I shook my head.

"I'll be in in a bit", I said and kept gazing out over the grass. There was no snow this year, it had disappeared a couple of days ago but I'm not at all surprised. It's not like I woke up each day missing the snow. I was busy missing something else.

 _Stop it, Harry._ I told myself. _You're not doing yourself any good._

It was cold. The wind blew cold air in my face and my body started shaking a bit. It was nice to feel the cold, actually. I felt alive, the cold was making my body itch.

I was just so confused and tired of everything. I'm not going to handle having a child. I couldn't even handle one night at my wife's parents house without hiding in the toilet, wanking to a man who's no longer anything but a fantasy.

What kind of crisis is going to be waiting for me when I'm turning fourty or fifthy, I wonder? If this is my mid-twenties crisis, what kind of crisis would I have mid-life?

A taxi came down the road and I followed it with my eyes. The taxi slowed down and came to a step before the house.

I wasn't expecting a tall, dark haired man to step out of the car and come towards me while the taxi drove away. He looked like a mess, a right mess.

 _Serves him right._ I thought but then I shook it out of my head because it wasn't fair. _Just like everything else at the moment, then._

"Sirius", I say and the man jumps a bit, clearly not noticing me standing her euntil now. "Are you lost?"

He drags a hand thorugh his hair and realisation dawns on me.

"Remus is here", I say and I can see the way he's thanking me with just his eyes just before he closes them to breathe.

"Thank you", he says and I nod but he can't see it.

"Nothing to thank", I say and then I lead him inside.

I would have laughed at Remus' expression when he sees Sirius and I walk into the dining room, the whole family already seated at the big table, but I can imagine what both men must feel so I kept my mouth shut. I slapped Sirius lightly on his back before I took my seat.

"Oh, well", he began and then waved a hand at all the staring redheads and Fleur. "Happy Christmas. I'm just here to see Remus", he continued.

No one blinked an eye, they all just stared. _How rude._

Remus put down his fork and kept staring right at Sirius without making any move to stand up. Sirius suddenly looked rather uncomfortable.

"I just wanted to apologize", he began. "To Remus, that is. What happened was..." he stopped to take a shaky breath and coughed. Then Sirius looked up to meet Remus' eyes and their eyes locked.

"I'm sorry I overreacted, what happened had happend at a time when we weren't even together so it wasn't right of me to hold that against you. But you coulld've chosen another girl than my cousin, alright?" he asked and smiled as if trying a joke no one found funny. I smiled at him reassuringly and waved with my hand for him to keep going. When Sirius turned his eyes on me he did.

"I've realised what a complete fool I was being", Sirius said and Remus chuckled. The others around the table started looking between Sirius and Remus. "I need you, Remus. Natalia needs you and we miss you. I promised to be by your side till death do us apart, so I won't leave you and I will not let you leave either."

I think the girls started tearing up now by the looks of it. Ginny, who was seated to my right, wrapped her arms around my arm and hugged it tightly while resting her chin on my shoulder.

"What I'm trying to say, Remus is that..." Sirius started but stopped and coughed, he looked away from Remus and tried again. "What I'm trying to say, Remus, is that I love you. Always have, always will, and I think we've had enough thrown against us, we don't need ourselves to do it", he finished and looked once again over to Remus with a grin and eyes sparkling of unshed tears.

I heard a chair being pulled back and in the next second Molly Weasley had enveloped Sirius in a tight hug, patting him on the back.

"That was lovely", she said and then took a step back from him, holding his shoulders in her hands, shaking him a bit.

Remus hade went to stand next to her, coughing and patting her on her shoulder. When Molly noticed him she took a couple of steps back and watched the two men.

Sirius looked as if he wasn't sure whether or not he'd get a slap or a kiss.

"I love you too, you dog", Remus said and Sirius started laughing, a few tears started streaming down his face. Remus kissed him and it looked like they actually _melted_ together, wrapping their arms tightly around each other.

The ladies were patting their faces with napkins now and Hermione handed me one. That's when I realised I was crying, too.

It took long minutes before everyone had collected themselves and Molly was the first one to speak.

"Anyone up for some cake?" she asked and everyone started laughing at that. Remus and Sirius stood next to each other, Remus' head rested on Sirius shoulder and they held one arm around each other.

"That sounds like a brilliant idea, Molly", I said.

* * *

Late that evening Ginny and I offered to drive Sirius and Remus home instead of them ordering a taxi. I could use the company. It was a while since I was being alone with Ginny, I mean _being alone_ with Ginny.

Remus have been staying with us the last week and it had been reassuring to me to have a third person at home, it was kind of like a security thing for me, I suppose. I could get away from Ginny to talk to him just to avoid _being alone_ with Ginny. Now, however, I couldn't.

I had asked Hermione what I should give Ginny as a present and she told me I should get something that was for her but also for me. So I bought her a dildo.

I'm just joking! Honestly, you people.

To be honest that _was_ the first thing that came to my mind but I didn't let Hermione know that. I told her that I had no idea, whatsoever, what I should give my wife so she picked it out for me. Massageoil. "She's getting the massage and you're giving it to her. Honestly, Harry, I can't believe you haven't thought of it, she's an athlete and her muscles needs attending to. You also get to be intimate with your wife, it's a win-win". Hermione winked at me, and that was almost scary.

At least Ginny was happy about the massage kit –Hermione decided I should give Ginny a _whole box_ with massaging things– so I guess it was working. The last time I gave her something that had to do with her being a footballplayer and an athlete was a storng deoderant. To my defence it was _Ron_ who picked it out for me, I just didn't know he was getting one for Hermione, too.

I got a book from Hermione. This year it was about anger management, but I have no idea why. From Ron I got football cards, he's as big a football maniac as my wife and always seem to give me something that has something to do with the sport.

Molly gave me a cookbook and a red wine. Shiraz. Arthur gave me a homemade watch. Don't even ask.

"I hear you're expecting a child", Sirius said from the backseat where he sat with Remus.

I smiled at him through the review mirror. "Yes, we are".

"That's exciting news!" Sirius said. "You're dad would've been so proud of you, I can tell you that".

Yeah, dad must be _so_ proud of his son who disappears to the bathroom to wank over a man when his wife is pregnant. Yeah, I totally see it.

"Where's Natalia?" Remus asks. We had just a couple of more minutes to drive before we were on their street.

"At home", Sirius said. "I asked Draco to babysit her and Teddy until we came home".

For just a second I lost control over the wheel but I soon got it back. Ginny stared at me as if asking if I was okay.

" _Teddy_?" Remus asked.

Sirius coughed. "Yes, I told Mrs Peggs that we're taking him, too. If you want to that is."

I didn't hear Remus respond but I couldn't help but smile as I looked into the review mirror and understood why. Remus had kissed him again.

"Here we are", I announced as I parked on the driveway to their house. The two men got themselves ready to leave the car.

"Do you want to come in, Harry? I know you and Draco had gotten close", Sirius says and for just a second I was going to leave the car and go inside, meet Draco and get him alone. _Finally_.

I didn't.

I stayed in the car with Ginny. "No, I think we better get home", I said.

Sirius and Remus said their goodbies and went to their house, I watched them go. I could see the blond man playing with the two children in the living room. It made me smile.

"Who's _Drake_?" Ginny asked and it made me focus. I grabbed the steering wheel and started backing out from their driveway.

"Just a guy", I said, trying not to make a big deal out of it. "And his name is _Draco_ ".

Ginny let it go.

"They seemed quite happy about the news", she said.

I furrowed my brows. "What news?" I asked.

"That I'm pregnant", she said and I curse.

I don't respond, basically because I don't know what to say.

"I think we should go shop for a crib tomorrow, take advantage of the after Christmas sale", she say but I still don't answer nor take my eyes away form the road ahead of me.

"Don't tell me you're backing out of this!" she says fiercly.

"What, Ginny! What do you want me to say?"

"The truth, Harry. Tell me the truth".

"Okay, Fine! I don't think we're ready for this yet. Hell, I'm not ready to have a child", I said and it was the truth.

"You can feel whatever you like, _I'm_ still having this child in eight months, with or without you", she argues and I can her it in her voice that she is pissed off.

"It's still _my_ child, Ginny! That wouldn't be fair!" I argue.

"Then get ready for this! We're having a child, you should be happy about this!"

"I am. I'm just a bit overwhelmed is all but I can...", she didn't let me finish.

"Why didn't you tell me you weren't ready?!" she asks as if we had _planned_ to have a baby now.

"I have _never_ told you that I _was_ ready!" I reasoned but she couldn't have it.

"Then go! I don't want to raise a child with someone who isn't willing. I gave up my body and my career for this!"

"I didn't make you! We are both in this, Ginny, it's not just you and I am tired of you only seeing it from your perspective! I'm a person, too, and I actually matter so can you just _please_ take a second to think what it's like for me or you can stick your perspective up your arse!"

I never got to hear her response as a truck collided into my car and all I can remember was the glass.

And then came the pain.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is ENTIRELY from Draco's POV.

I hated to wait. Just standing –there was no chance I was going to sit on any of _those_ benches– in a crowded room with other poeple. Other very _smelly_ people. A man to my left smelled strongly of alcohol and sweat. If there would have been any other place for me to stand then I would have gone to it already.

Hopefully this will be bloody worth it. It will be, I know it will. It's already been too long since the last time. I suppose I'm just starting to get a little bit restless, is all. Have been waiting here for what feels like a lifetime.

New Year's Eve is this week and I can't believe this year has gone away so quickly. Or so slowly.

Father and Mother wasn't happy when I told them they wouldn't be seeing me at all this winter, they live out in the country, you see. When Black had asked me to babysit the two children for the evening I couldn't resist. I called Mother and told her I had some urgent business I had to attend to and that they would just have to wait a couple of months before they'd see me.

It wasn't the first time I babysat the child. Well, _children_ , it was this time since Black had gotten his hands –oddly enough– on another child. Don't get me wrong, the two men have been amazing with Natalia.

But, as I was saying, it wasn't my first time. The first time, however, I was pretty bad. I had had zero experiences with children since I was an only child and my aunt Bellatrix didn't have any children of her own.

I never had to care about a younger being before Black and Lupin had asked me if I wanted to babysit Natalia for an hour. They paid me for it too, but what can I say? I'd like to believe I handled the screaming being rather well. YouTube helped me with the bloody diapers.

I do, however, believe children should come with an instruction book.

Before Christmas I had babysat the little girl three times, I think. And I believe I'm getting better and better at babysitting.

I picked up a stuffed panda bear in fornt of Natalia while she clapped her hands and smiled a very wet smile. She had saliva running down from her bottom lip to her little, round chin. She muttered something while her eyes gleamed brightly and joyfully.

"Panda", I told her.

"Padu", she said and I let a small smile greet my lips. I dragged my empty hadn over her little head with a grin on my face.

"Do you think they'll be back?" the boy asked me for the umptieth time, he seemed rather nervous and anxious about either having been left by the men or being left by the men with _me_. Which it was, I was not certain of. I reassured him, of course, and told him they'd come back, because they _always_ come back. That seemed to lighten his spirits. For now.

He crawled closer to Natalia and picked up a little giraffe. The little girl straightened out both her arms towards the boy and the toy as if reaching for them. "Gijap", she muttered with a smile so big and bright it made it impossible not to smile, too.

"Giraffe", I corrected quietly to myself.

When Black and Lupin came home that night, together, they looked at me in an odd kind of way as they found me seated on the living room floor with the kids.

If I hadn't known better I'd say the two men looked almost _sorry_ for me.

When I glanced outside to the car leaving the driveway I knew.

 _Potter_.

And his wife, _of course_. He had always been married, I knew that and it wasn't like I was telling myself otherwise. For goodness sake he was _straight_. It would have been so God damn much easier if he hadn't had eyes _that_ green. Or be so bloody heroic all the time. It was sickening. In a cute puppy kind of way. Don't tell anyone I said that.

It is a bit ironic, I believe, that we first met at his wedding

I looked back at the two men, still staring at me, and I rose up to a standing position.

"I see the plan succeeded", I smirked at Black and felt the urgue to pat him on the shoulder. He looked at me with confused eyes before understanding dawned on him. Black turned his head and looked at Lupin with a smile tugging at his lips.

"S´ppose so", Black said, smile evident in his voice. I started feeling like an intruder as the two men seemed lost in each other's gazes. My chest ached for that feeling, to have someone looking at me _that_ way. As if I was a priority and not an option.

I cleared my throat. "It's getting late", I said and the two men turned their attention to me. "I think I should get going".

Black and Lupin nodded at me in understanding and I walked to the hallway. As I slid my warm, black winterjacket Lupin stepped into the hallway, a few paces away from me. He looked at me with eyes that shone with uncertainty. I waited for him to speak first, if he had something to say, that is.

"You do know that Harry's wife's pregnant", the man said. It wasn't a question just merely a statement and I nodded.

"I do."

"I suppose you also know that he is staying with her for the sake of their child". Again, I nodded, feeling something in my chest twinge slightly.

Lupin continued. "He reminds me a lot of his father", the man said with a slightly dreamy expression and smiled, as if remembering something from the past before he focused his gaze once again on me. "When asked to pick between what's right and what's easy they always do what's right in the eyes of someone else. Never the thing that is right for themselves." The man's words were cryptic but wise and I felt like I understood what he was getting at but I still furrowed my brows and narrowed my eyes at him.

"What are you saying?" I asked. Lupin sighed and closed his eyes as if I was nothing but a petulant child.

"What I am saying is that Harry did what was right for the baby, because the baby deserves to grow up with both its parents. He did, however, not do what was right for either Ginny nor himself since he does not love _her_. But then I ask...", he said and took a second to breathe, presumably for effect before continuing. "Is it the _right_ thing to do, to have a child raised in an environment without love. Surely both Harry and Ginny will love the child, but how will the child learn of the beauty of love when its own parents gave that up for the child?"

I opened my mouth but closed it almost immediately afterwards and then opened it. Again. And closed it. Again.

Something in Lupin's eyes twinkled as he looked at me. "Harry cares about you", he said. "But he's stubborn and he's loyal."

That was the last thing I've heard from the two men since then, it was days ago now but I haven't been able to get the conversation out of my head. Was it supposed to make me feel better? To know that _he_ rather chose a life without love just because of a child? I don't blame him. And what am I even talking about? _Love_!? What we had wasn't _love_ it was surely nothing but lust, or being trapped in _the moment_ or such! Surely.

We have known each other for, what? Three months? I'm nothing but the _mistress_ , the secret, excitement. I'm _nothing_.

"There you are!" came the familiar voice that brought me back to reality. "Why can't you just for once wear some colour? It is truly impssible to make you out of all these dark clothed people. Surely they all must be at least a bit depressed." I smiled in spite of myself.

"I've missed you, too, Pansy", I said and she glared at me.

"Well. Of course you have", she said and looked at Blaise who was positioned right next to her.

"Blaise", I greeted and he enveloped me in a hug.

"Dra-co", he said as he patted me on my back a little stiffly.

When the darkhaired man stepped back from me he smiled at me mischievously. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You know you love me", Blaise said with his charming smile and winked. I rolled my eyes.

"Keep telling yourself that", I said and both of my friends laughed at that, making me smile.

We walked to my car that was parked on the parking lot outside the central station. Pansy and Blaise had taken the train together from London to celebrate New Year's Eve with me. Even though I may not have said it in so many words –and neither had they– it meant a lot to have them here. If nothing else, their company will distract me from thinking about something else.

As I sat down at the driver's seat Lupin's words were again spoken in my head. "Harry cares about you". The words were spoken as if the man was actually present in the car.

Cares about me _my arse_. I've done loads of one-night-stands. And none of them have mattered so why does it this time? Maybe because it isn't just _one_ night and that I've met the man more than once. He even invited me to his house for dinner! I mean, what was he playing at? I should have declined, I know I should. I just, I've never...

Oh sod it! I am bloody Draco Malfoy, I should have higher standards for myself. I am _not_ someone's option, I'm a bloody priority! And if he rather shag his long time girlfriend turned wife or whatever than he is more than welcome to! And he doesn't deserve me if that's the case, he doesn't deserve my time, my thoughts or my body, and he espescially doesn't bloody deserve _me_.

"Okay, Draco. Out with it", Pansy said.

I frowned. It was so much easier to get away with my thoughts when I was alone, and didn't have to worry about having a very observant Pansy to the left noticing.

"Leave him be, Pans", came Blaise's noble voice form the backseat. I could imagine Pansy rolling her eyes and then giving him a piercing gaze.

"If he's stressing himself raw about something then it's my honor to make it stop", she said, putting her hand on her chest while sticking her noise into the air.

Both me and Blaise snorted and she sent a glare to both of us. God, was I glad to have them back.

"So tell us why you had _that_ look on your face the whole first ten minutes!" Pansy said exasperatedly, and I sighed. I had almost forgotten her question.

"Is it the dance, did you not get the part?" offered Blaise.

I snorted. God, I hadn't thought about the dance for a long time now, my head was really on something else.

"No", I told them, keeping my eyes on the road ahead so to not give anything away.

"It's a man, isn't it?" Pansy asked, I stiffened and tried to keep my composure as perfect as it usually is. "I knew it!"

"Come on Pansy, you make it sound as if it's a good thing", Blaise said, amusement evident in his voice. Pansy glared at him again.

"Well, Blaise. If anything _I'm_ going to get to hear some juicy details, am I not Drake?" she said and turned her attention back to me. God, I hated that sodding nickname.

I didn't answer her, I just kept my gaze frozen on the road ahead, so to not get into an accident. I heard on the news going home from Black and Lupin that there had been a car accident a bit away but since I didn't take that road I missed the long queue.

"Pans, I think he might be ignoring you", Blaise said and I could imagine how he was holding one hand to the side of his mouth while pointing at me with the other. It almost made me smile. Almost.

"Draco", Pansy tried again. "Tell me about him".

"There's no _he_ to tell about", I said stubbornly. All three of us were well aware that I only got like this, all defensive when there was something I wanted to hide. It's only fair that if he sees me as his secret, that he should be mine as well.

"That only proves my point. Who is he? Is he some posh man in one of these suits, always carrying around a briefcase?" she asked mockingly. Blaise snorted.

"Of course not, Pans!" Blaise said exasperatedly. "A man like that would only remind Draco of his father", he finished and that statement made Pansy giggle.

I rolled my eyes at the pair of them. Father was a businessman, in more ways than one.

"Then what _does_ he do?" Pansy asked and I felt her eyes staring into the side of my face.

I sighed, suddenly feeling the urge to slam something.

"Karate instructor", I muttered silently, glaring at the road.

"What?" Pansy said and I repeated myself.

"A karate instructor". I said it a tad louder this time and I swore she sniggered.

"Well, that's cute", she said and examined her nails feigning disinterest. Blaise chuckled and I snorted.

"I bet he's fit, though. Must have a _great_ body", Blaise teased, letting the "r" in "great" roll from his tongue seductively to tease me. That tosser.

"Indeed, he must. Mustn't he, Draco?" Pansy wiggled her eyebrows and I glared at her.

"Shut up, Pansy", I said in a warning tone.

"That settles it then!" she responded gleefully, well... As gleefully as Pansy could, she usually just pretended not to care. "And what's his name."

"Potter", I said, a small smile tugging at my lips.

" _Potter_? Details, Draco! I want details!"

"No", I said matter-of-factly, trying to hide an amused smirk when Pansy made a noise that sounded both like a mixture of a sob and a snort.

"You know what that means, Pans", offered Blaise and Pansy giggled.

I glared at the pair of them. "What?" I asked confused. They shared an amused look, eyes crinkled at the sides and mocking smiles.

"You _always_ tell us the dirty details, but now you don't. So is he rich or famous?" Pasny asked.

"What?" I asked again.

Blaise rolled his eyes at me. "You won't tell us, which means you want to keep him a secret, and because you want to keep him a secret there has to be a reason", Blaise smirked, giving me a teasing look.

"So out with it! What is the secrecy for?" Pansy asked and I sighed deeply.

"His wife's pregnant", I said and heard two sharp intakes of breath.

"He's _married_!" Pansy screeched exasperatedly and stared at me as if I had grown an extra head. Or two. Glad she reacted to the _wife_ part and not the _pregnant_.

I swallowed thickly and nodded. Suddenly a wave of shame and disappointment poured over me all at once.

"Draco", Pansy said but I pretended I didn't hear her. "Draco", she repeated a bit louder.

"What?" I asked a bit too loud, my voice thich and just a tad hoarse.

"Drive to the downtown", she said and as if knowing I'd ask added, "you need a drink, which means that _I_ need a drink".

* * *

The three of us sat by the bar, as fast as we had sat down Pansy announced "tequila". The two of us were pretty affected by the time people started flooding into "Matthew's" the gay club. Blaise stubbornly declined, which was good since he was the only one of the three of us that could drive to my apartment from here.

"Draco, look", Pansy had leant closer to me to whisper. She pointed at something on the dance floor. "That bloke has been eyeing you for the last... I don't know but go do us all a favour". I turned in my seat to take a look at this _admirer_ or whatever. He was skinny, almost fragile-looking, with thick brown hair to his shoulders and a noticeable stubble on his jaw.

I raised a brow at the man before turning back to Pansy. "Not my type", I said and turned back to my bottle of whiskey and took a big gulp.

"Precisely", Pansy said and pointed at me with an almost scary look of mischief. "How else are you planning on getting over this Parker guy, hmm?"

"Potter", I corrected but she just waved her hadn dismissively in the air.

"Details, details. The thing is, Drake, that if you plan on getting your arse over Parker's pretty face, you need someone to fill the void. Have a bit of fun", she said and patted my arm with every syllable. I wasn't sure if she was mad or a genius.

"Take a swig and get your _arse_ over _there_ and make that schoolboy's wildest fantasies come true", Blaise said with a smirk and winked at me.

Well this was it then? My alcohol affected brain pulled the bottle of whiskey to my lips, almost painfully, and took a mouthful of the liquid before putting the bottle down and making my appearance on the dancefloor.

The skinny, stubbled man met me halfway, a playful smile gracing his pouty, pink lips.

"See something you like?" the bloke said and looked at me intently, his deep, blue eyes were gleaming. That line, really? I mean _really_ , that's just _pathetic_!

I looked him up and down, he wore a long sleeved, dark green shirt rolled up to his elbows and dark, tight –very _tight_ , indeed– trousers.

"Perhaps", I teased with a smirk and tilted my head to the side. "It depends", I added. _God_ **!** Was I _that_ out of the game? I used to be a natural at this, feigning disinterest, waving the boys off until I could claim my price. That was, however, a couple of years ago now. Before University happend.

Instead of responding the bloke licked his lips and I could do nothing but stare as that pink tonguemade its appearance. I shivered slightly as my head was filled with pictures and fantasies.

Ladies and Gentlemen, he had a forked tongue. Did you hear me? A _forked_ tongue! Imagine being intimate with someone with a _forked_ tongue. The thought made me shiver.

A chuckle escaped those pouty, pink lips and the tongue went into its cave once again. I looked up to meet his very teasin eyes and his smirk could almost rival mine. _Almost_.

The man turned around and started walking towards one of the toilet, not even looking over his shoulders to see if I would follow. Which I did. Looking back at this now I'm almost embarrased how bloody easy it was for him! A Malfoy is _not_ easy. Hell! _I'm_ not easy!

As I stepped into the toilet I saw the man entering a cubicle, before closing the door behind him he winked at me. I swallowed, brushing aside a feeling of unease in the pit of my stumach that I didn't understand why I had it. I had never felt unease before. At least not when it comes to _this_.

I opened the door to the cubicle which was unlocked – _obviously_ – and went inside. The bloke leaned against one of the walls right inside. I closed the door behind me and locked.

As if on cue the man pulled himself from the wall, straightened his posture and walked closer to me.

"Decided to come, did you?" he asked but it was more of a plain statement as he smirked at me with that infuriating glint in his eyes. I tried to ignore the sexual innuendo.

"Why, did you miss me?" I asked and tilted my head to the side. God, I was _pathetic_.

He didn't respond to that, he set about ravishing my mouth instead, which was _fine_ , of course. Just _fine_.

More than bloody fine, to be honest.

The man stared into my eyes for a while and I could swear his deep, blue eyes turned an amazing shade of green.

The press of his lips against mine and the way they pushed my mouth open I felt the absent of something but I couldn't decide what it was so I closed my eyes.

A forked tongue slid into my mouth and I gasped as it started teasing and playing and dancing with mine.

Potter pushed me against one of the walls and held me in place by my shoulders. Our lips moving intensely in unison. It was messy. I had both my hands examing his body, dragging up his shoulders, down his back, feeling the roundness of his arse and the sofness of his hair.

It was passionate and erotic and arousing and _unbelievable_. _It's been too long, Potter. It's been too bloody long_.

His hands went from my shoulders and down my chest until it came to the bottom of my shirt. His hands slid up my chest, tickling the skin as it moved and it made me gasp into his mouth. After a while of hands traveling and touching my abdomen I felt them go lower again. One hand teased the edge of the waistband and dipped beneath it a couple of times before both hands started working on my buttons.

I don't remember when I last gave up control on a situation like this. I've mostly been the dominant one, the one in charge, having everyone playing by _my_ rules. I must have been desperate to let him take control of me. There was, however, no one I'd rather give control to than _him_. The weird thing was though that I had no bloody idea as to _why_.

He slipped my trousers down my legs, placed his palm right onto my erection that was only shielded by a thin layer of cotton. I made a sound which was somewhere between a moan and a gasp. Potter bent down to his knees so that his head was in level with my very interested cock.

My pants was reunited with my trousers by my calves. My breath hitched as a hand wrapped itself around my rockhard cock. I tilted my head backwards so that it was leaning to the wall. My pulse was quickening, my breathing ragged, deep and hitched. My body gave in to the pure sensations of what was going to come. Which was me, by the way.

But not yet.

I felt the flick of two tongues on the head of my cock, it took me a while to remember that _it's just one, it's just one, it's just one._

 _I don't remember you having a forked tongue, Potter_. The tongue then proceeded to lick the underside of my cock and it made me shiver. It's been _so bloody long_.

"You taste gorgeous", the man said and it snapped me back to reality. A stranger was kneeling in fornt of me, deep, blue eyes staring into mine and a word echoed in my head almost giving me a headache. _WRONG!_

It was _wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!_

I pushed the man away, bent down to drag my pants and trousers back up to my waist before sliding out of the cubicle and fleeing the toilet.

* * *

"I've always, _always_ , done one-night-stands! What the bloody hell has happend to me!?" I asked tensely, head resting in my hands, elbows on the table in my apartment. After I had fled the scene we went straight to my apartment, not even sharing a word in the process.

Pansy patted my back tenderly. "Potter, happend", she whispered. A couple of seconds later she snatched her hand away as if burned. I turned schocked eyes to her and found she was staring intently at Blaise.

" _What_?" I hissed at Pansy whose eyes were as big as saucers and her whole demeanor was stiff.

"I know how we'll get you your Prince Charming back", she announced.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 

I woke up two days ago with a bandaged arm and a couple of bruised ribs as well as a bruised abdomen. At least the Air Bag and seat belt saved my life.

It all happened so slowly, but still so fast. One second we were arguing and the next thing I knew, I didn't. I was unconscious. It all went black. All I can remember was the glass and the pain. I was told we were in a car crash, but it sounded too insane to be true. Something like that couldn't happen to _me_. At least that's what I always used to say. It was, however seldom true. Weird things always seemed to happen to me, trouble always seemed to find me.

A car crash did.

Me and Ginny was brought in directly to seperate rooms. Both of us were bleeding.

Ginny more than me.

The doctors had told me I was mostly fine, I would heal in a couple of weeks. I just had to give it time. They warned me that I may have to go to a physical therapist for help with my arm. I told them "no" but they said that my shoulder had been dislocated and needed help and training to work properly again. I asked them how long.

They didn't know.

What was my clients going to say? And my _students_? What was I going to _do_ now? I loved that job. The doctors told me to give it time, maybe I wouldn't need that much help with the shoulder, maybe it would heal beautifully or it would never be perfectly healed again. It all remained to be seen.

Ginny had gotten a lot of force into her side. A doctor told me something about bruised ribs and hip and a broken arm. They didn't know the state of the baby yet but it was "looking brightly for the little human" as Ginny's doctor had put it. It still didn't save me from my anxiousness. I can't believe ever feeling so week and defenseless in my entire life when another thought hit me like a football to the head.

We survived what had killed my parents.

I was sitting outside of Ginny's room, she still hasen't woken up yet. Ron and Hermione came by for a while to see how we were doing. My arm was stinging so badly I swore it was going to drive me mad but I never told them that. I just told them that I was _fine_ becuase honestly I couldn't deal with Hermione's pestering questions and facts and... I had so much going on in my head so I asked them how they were doing instead. Hermione told me about a new law for animal care that they were working on at the moment.

I have no idea how Ron was doing. It may be my wife inside that room, unconcsious, but it was _his_ little sister. I can't believe this being easy on him, either. Sometimes I forgot I married my best mate's sister, and sometimes I don't.

He was still planning on proposing at New Year's Eve and I told him to do it no matter if I make it or not. So of course he'll do it if I'm there and _only_ if I'm there. The thought made me smile and I decided that _no, I wouldn't miss it for the world_. It would be a historical day.

Ron beamed at me, patting me on the arm before he realised that I hissed in pain due to the fact that it was _the bloody wrong arm, there's bandage around it for a reason, Ronald_. Hermione had noticed that I was cursing and hissing. Thank God for Hermione.

Sirius and Remus had come, too. They had asked me how I was holding up and after I had told them that I was fine they spoke about Teddy and Natalia. They sat with me when Ginny's doctor came with an update.

"I have news", the doctor had said. Sirius, Remus and I sat in silence, waiting for the doctor to continue but she didn't.

"And...?" I asked. The doctor looked at me intently and then moved her gaze to the two men on either side of me.

"She's awake", the doctor wasn't even finished saying the words before I was bursting through the door to my wife, dislocated shoulder be damned.

"How are you?" I blurted out in shock as I saw her lay on the hospital bed. I don't know what I had expected to see, and to be honest it wasn't that much of a shock. I just suppose I wasn't _entirely_ prepared, is all.

"I'm fine", she muttered with a slight smile on her face, eyes sparkling just a tad when her gaze landed on me. Ginny had a mitella around her neck, holding her broken arm up. It looked quite cosy as she laid there, covered up to her chest in a quilt. Her face was covered in small cuts from the glass, the same with mine. I guess we have that couple-look now.

"How's our baby?" she asked me, suddenly wearing a worried look as she looked from me to the door as if the doctor would walk in any second now. The doctor probably thought to give me some alone time.

I stepped to her side and grabbed her right hand, held it up to my lips and kissed it.

"They're going to be fine", I reassured her and she smiled at me. I squeezed her hand.

The door was opened behind us and I turned around to see the doctor enter with a serious look, a pad in her hand.

"How are you feeling?" she asked and went to Ginny's left side to place her hand on her forehead.

"I've been better", she chuckled and turned her eyes away from me and to the doctor.

The doctor removed her hand from my wife and held up her pad. I squeezed Ginny's hand reassuringly, she turned her head to smile at me. I leant down to kiss her forehead.

I was so _bloody_ relieved.

"I have some news for you", the doctor spoke up. Both Ginny and I turned our heads to watch the doctor. It was god news, I could _feel_ it! I squeezed my wife's hand again and smiled brightly at the doctor.

"We've done everything we could."

The world froze. _Was she saying what I thought she was saying?_ And the next thing I did was shouting. I stared shouting at the doctor, but it wasn't like it was me, it was like someone else had taken over my body and acted in my place. An imposter. Because _I_ was still waiting. What exactly I was waiting for I wasn't sure of but I was waiting still.

Maybe I was waiting for the doctor to smile and tell us that just because they've done everything they could the baby is well and healthy. Maybe I was waiting for a device that could turn back time or for someone to walk in thorugh the door and tell me this was just a joke. That this was _all_ just a joke.

But I was shouting at the woman who had done everything she could've done while my wife was sobbing to herself, muttering nonsense under her breath.

I've never felt so lonely in my entire life.

* * *

Sirius and Remus had insisted on driving me home. They had heard the news from the doctor before she came to tell us. It felt rather strange sitting in a car after what had happend but I didn't feel scarred or as if I held any sort of grudge to the vehicle, whatsoever.

It was the longest twenty minutes drive in my entire life. We sat in silence, nothing but the sound of the radio and the air conditioner. The sun was shining outside making the snow covered ground sparkle.

It had snown.

Kids were laughing and playing outside. Two boys were wrestling in the snow. The scene almost made me smile but it couldn't fill the void.

The world moved on without me, the people were smiling as if it was the loveliest day so far, as if they were happy. Have you ever had a day or a moment when you just wished the whole world would just stop so that you could get a chance to breathe? And if it couldn't, you wished that the poeple outside of you were miserable, too. That you weren't alone.

I guess we're _always_ alone and in those moments we just hate how the world suddenly reminds us of that. As if we were living a lie every other day and suddenly stepped out to face the truth.

 _Life_.

When we were in front of my house I told the two men to go home, because at the end of the day I wanted to be alone. At least that's what I told them.

The first question I asked myself as I stepped inside the house was "what will go first?" It was the remote control to the telly that first was introduced to the wall. It was, however, not the last.

I started throwing things around me, shouting. I wanted to continue until I felt the part inside me fill itself so that I could be enough again. So that I wasn't broken. I hated being broken.

After a long time I had fallen to the floor, back against a wall, head in hands. I think I was crying but I'm not sure how or when it started. Or if it had started, at all.

I fell asleep on the floor that night, I was exhausted. I was a wreck.

* * *

A day later I found myself in Sirius' and Remus' car again, but this time to get Ginny who was more than ready to go home. According to the doctor, at least.

We sat in the car, me and Ginny in the backseat. It had taken half an hour for Sirius, Remus and me to convince her to get into the car.

Silence has never been so loud, or mocking before. It was on the verge of being painful.

"How are you feeling, Ginny?" I asked to break the silence.

"I'm fine", she said, just like when I went to see her yesterday, just as she had woken up. Today Ginny didn't even look at me, she just stared out of the window. She hasn't met my eyes since yesterdays, as if this is all my fault. Why do I have to be the rock? Why do I have to be the strong one in this? Why can't she just see that she's not the only one who's hurt?

I waved the men goodbye as Ginny walked inside the house, not even waiting for me. She just marched inside and went straight towards our bedroom where she locked herself in.

And so I was alone –again– in the hallway, hearing the door to our bedroom being slammed shut. I felt something sting inside me at the sound of the door.

It felt emptier now than it had done yesterday, probably because we're both in the house, seperately and not together. Yesterday I didn't have a wife locked into our _shared_ bedroom. Oddly that fact didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm not as upset about having Ginny being alone as I thought I would.

I think I should, shouldn't I? I mean we _are_ in this together, in the same boat, etcetera, etcetera. So why don't I mind her being locked inside our bedroom and... _sobbing_ , from the sound of it.

Am I a bad husband? Or maybe, just _maybe_ Ginny is a bad _wife_! Or maybe we're just both bad poeple. At least for each other.

It's probably just my depressing days that makes me think like that. Yes, probably.

I went to our bedroom and breathed deeply as I stood right in front of it. And then I knocked.

No answer.

I knocked _again_.

Still no answer.

"Come _on_ , Ginny! I know you're in there", I said loud enough for her to definitely hear me.

I heard a deep and frustrated sigh from inside the room.

"Just say somehting!"

"What do you want me to say!?" _Bloody hell!_ She sounded like she has been crying and as if she was pissed off, had I done something wrong? Was it _wrong_ to check on one's wife? Excuse _you_ , Mrs. Potter, but I didn't sign up for a hormonal git. _Shit_ , Harry, stop bloody talking to yourself.

"Anything", I sighed, resting my forehead against the wooden door. "Anything", I repeated, closed my eyes and sighed.

"Well, I don't have anything to say", she said and I could picture her sitting on the floor and crossing her arms over her chest.

"You do know that you're not alone in this, right?" I said, trying to sound reassuring. I heard another sigh from inside and then it sounded like she was standing up. It was _working_! "You know that I am-"

The door flew open and I took a step forwards to righten myself.

"I lost my kid, Harry! I just lost my child! You have _no idea_ how that feels!"

" _Our_ child, Ginny. It was _my_ child, too", I said and pressed both my hands to my chest, looking at her intently. Her eyes were read and gleamed of already shed tears, and more to come.

"You don't get it do you?" she threw up her arms and laughed a mirthless laugh. It was strained and awful to listen to, espescially when you know just what that laugh sounds like when it actually _means_ it. "I lost my _job_ and I lost my _baby_ , Harry! _My baby!_ And the worst part is that I don't even know if I lost little _Elsa_ or my _James_ ".

Ginny stared at me again, as if blaming everything on me. I already knew she did.

" _You_ ", she said and pointed at me, closing the distance between us. "You were the one that bloody _convinced_ me into _not_ knowing the gender!"

I told you she blamed me. She isn't the only one.

"You poor, _poor_ excuse of a man!" she had started shouting now, throwing her arms around until she decided to start hitting me. I let her.

"I lost my _child_! My sweet little, innocent _baby_ ", she shouted, her hands kept punching my chest and stumach as hard as she could muster. "And _thanks to you_ I'll never know, will I? Who did I lose, Harry, huh? _Who_ did I _lose_?!"

Me. You lost me.

I waited for her punches to die down and for her to calm herself. When Ginny had stopped she stared down at her feet before wrapping her arms around herself.

"I'll just prepare dinner", I said and turned to walk back to the kitchen. "Oh, and I'll sleep on the sofa tonight", I added.

"Harry", Ginny called from behind me, it was soft and quiet but it wasn't regretful, it wasn't the beginning of an apology.

I turned around but didn't meet her eyes.

"Why don't you hug me?" she asked and I looked at her face at that.

"Because..." I started but coughed. "Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe, just _maybe_ you're not the only one who wants to have the person that they love wrapping their arms around you and trying to make you feel better? Of course that hasn't crossed your mind, _Ginny_ , because all I am to you is something you can drag around. Something to look at. But here's the thing. I am _not_ the Prince Charming, I'm not a bloody _hero_. I'm just Harry and I deserve someone who'd see me as who I am and not who they wish I could be or who I've been pretending to be", I said. Ginny stared at me as if she's been punched, big eyes, mouth hanging open.

I turned around to continue my walk to the kitchen.

"I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight", I repeated.

* * *

We lived parallell lives for the next couple of days, staying out of each others way and barely exchanging a single word. She spent most of the time locked inside our bedroom doing God knows what. Probably resting as the doctor had advised.

When New Year's Eve came around Ron went down on his knees to propose. I had stood by him during the whole thing –which includes half an hoor of _"I can't do this, I can't do this, I'm not good enough for her"_. And I had told hit that _no_ , you are _not_ good enough for Hermione, you are _better_ – and no one could have been happier when Hermione launched herself at Ron, forgetting to say "yes" and instead muttering "oh my God, oh my God, _oh my God, Ronald, do you even have to ask?!_ ". Well, the only two that could've been happier was probably the soon to be married couple.

Ginny had spent the entire night close to Molly and Arhur who tried to soothe her and tell her everything's going to be okay. When Ron popped the question Ginny was held closely to Molly's chest and Arthur set to be the tissue giver for the two ladies.

For just a moment I had let myself forget _everything_ and just shower in the happiness of my two best friends and enjoy the beauty of the nightsky when it was filled with fireworks. It had been a long time since I felt _that_ happy. I couldn't help feeling like something was missing, absent.

As the night turned darker and the time turned later, Ginny and I found ourselves in a cab taking us home.

That was basically why I was quite shocked as I heard Ginny knock on the door to the small room we were planning to use as the nursery.

"Harry?" she said carefully but didn't wait for my response before opening the door. I sat on the floor in the middle of the room with my back at the door.

"Harry", she repeated and sighed. "There was an invitation to a party in this club 'Sticky Fingers'. I think it would do us some good, don't you? We've been so depressed lately and I think we could both use a night out, we don't have to get completely smashed", she said and chuckled a bit as if trying ease the tension with a joke. When she noticed that I didn't say anything or even make a sound she continued. "I just think it could be good for us, to get out there, you know, we'll be careful of course but my arm feels fine, and your shoulder's getting better, right?" Someone was _very_ bloody optimistic today. It's been more than a week, my shoulder doesn't hurt twice as bad anymore but if I do certain things pain shoot through my entire arm.

Ginny sighed in frustration. "I think we should go, it's on Saturday so you have until tomorrow to make up your mind and just so you know", she said and paused, I could _feel_ her temper rising as if she was unhappy with me. " _I'm_ going, with or without you".

And then I heard the door closed shut behind me and I was alone again. Rolling my shoulder back and fro for a couple of times just to try it. It still felt a bit sore.

Perhaps Ginny was right, maybe we needed to go out and have some fun. It couldn't hurt, right?

* * *

And so Saturday came around. We took a cab into the downtown and it dropped us off right outside of "Sticky Fingers".

Ginny looked a lot better tonight, as if the last week hadn't happend. She wore a purple dress that really brought out her curves, making her look desireble for the men. Well, _most_ men. For just a second I contemplated whether or not I should comment her about her appearance, I decided no to.

We stepped inside and was immediately greeted by music. Ginny smiled nervously as she looked around the club. The first thing we did was leave our jackets to the wardrobe.

"Welcome, I'm happy you could make it", a complete stranger said. She had long dark hair and wore a very tight black dress and red lipstick. To be honest, she almost looked like she could play som evil queen or something.

"Oh I'm sorry, forgot to introduce myself", she said and put a hand on her chest. "I'm Pansy. Just wait a second, you have to meet my friend", she added and turned around to wave someone over from the bar. A dark silhouette started walking towards us and I could swear I recognised that walk and posture.

_Oh dear God._

"Hello", _he_ said and looked at me and Ginny politely. "I'm Draco Malfoy". Indeed you _are_!

He wore a dark V-neck, exposing the ends of two delicate collarbones and black denims that hugged his thighs deliciously.

"Oh, I'm sorry have you met?" Pansy broke in and waved between him and us. My eyes shot up from staring at his long, delectable legs to his eyes instead. Draco looked straight at me, a smirk gracing his pink lips, almost undetectable and a sparkle in his impossibly soft grey eyes. Oh, how I've missed _those_ eyes.

"I can't believe we have", Draco said and looked at me intently, smirk growing on his lips, the sparkle in his eyes intensifying, making me blush a deep scarlet. He turned his gaze to Ginny and I witnessed how the sparkle in his eyes died and hardened the moment they met the brown orbs of my wife's.

"I'm Ginny", Ginny said and smiled politely.

"And I'm Harry", I said. Draco's face turned to look at me again and smiled at me, making my insides twist and jump and dance and start a campfire. This was the first time I've seen him since my little revelation in the bathroom at the Weasley cottage. The memory made me shiver.

" _Harry_ , I like the sound of that", he said and I swallowed because _so did I_. My name had never sound so... _right_. "Nice to meet you, Harry", he added and then he turned back to the bar.

"Hope you'll enjoy yourselves", said Pansy before she left to follow Draco.

Was it just me or had the room suddenly turned uncomfortably warm and foggy.

Ginny stood next to me as if unsure what to do next.

"I'm going to the bathroom", I informed her politely. "Enjoy yourself, I'll find you later". Or perhaps not.

She nodded at me and walked towards the dance floor and I watched her go before making my way to the bathroom.

Sometimes I forget how small this town is and that of course everyone was invited. Was it just me who imagined his gaze warming as he looked at me and the teasing little smile he offered when he lied and said we'd never met. I don't know if I'm happy or upset that he said that. I mean on one hand it would have been horrible if he said that we had because then I would have to introduce him to Ginny, but on the other hand it was like erasing all of our moments and everything we've ever done. I don't want to erase those things, they are the reason I'm still sane, I'm hanging onto every touch, every word and every brush of lips we've shared as if it's the last one. Because what if they are?

I opened the door to the local Mr bathroom and stepped inside. It was empty apart from a man who was washing his hands.

The door opened behind me but I didn't turn around to see who it was as I made my way to the urinal by a wall. I opened my flyer and pulled my trousers and pants down a bit before wrapping my hand around my cock.

From the sound of it the other person who entered was doing the same thing. I imagined how I'd turn my head to the side and look into his grey eyes, gleaming with mischief as they dropped from my eyes to the cock in my hands. And I imagined myself doing the same thing and how my mouth would water at the sight of his pale, pink cock and the urge to hold it, to taste it, would consume me.

I would look up again to ask him for permission to do what I've longed for for such a long time. His blond hair was falling in front of his eyes, smiling at me through every pore of his body, telling me he's already mine. And I'm his.

"Are you done?" the voice from the man to my side asked and I shook myself out of my imagination. I noticed I had been staring at his cock the entire thing. I blushed.

"Yeah, sorry", I said, pulled up my trousers and pants and fastened the flyer.

Of course I couldn't go just a minute after seeing him without starting to think about _that_! God, I'm pathetic.

I went to wash my hands under the automatic basins and witnessed how the door was opened through the reflection. A blonde man with dark clothes stepped and grey eyes stepped inside and I shook my head, willing my traiturous brain to _stop_.

He was still there but now he was looking at me uncertainly, mouth hanging open slightly before deciding he also needed to wash his hands.

The tension was growing between us and I could swear that if I reached out my hand I could pat it.

Draco coughed. "So", he began and coughed again. "How have you been?" he asked and looked at me through the mirror.

I smiled at him, I couldn't help it. "I'm fine", I said and chuckled. "Car crash and wife aside, I'm fine". Worrid grey eyes turned to look at me instead of my reflection.

"Oh, God, are you _alright_?" he asked and his eyes started examining my face and my body as if searching for the answer there.

"I am now", I said, blushing for the third time in just fifteen minutes. I hadn't planned to say that out loud.

I swallowed nervously but the look in his eyes told me it was worth it. The gemstones were back, sparkling, soft and deep and I would drown in them, lose myself in them, _to_ them if I could.

He stared at me, a smile making his already beautiful face gorgeous. My heart started beating faster and my body got warmer.

I started leaning closer to him, closing hte distance between us because it's been _too long_ and I needed to feel his lips pressed against mine, his body wrapped in mine. I _needed_ it and I needed it _now_!

Just a little bit further now, I could smell whiskey on his breath as it was tickling my face. I closed my eyes as I erased what little distance was left between us.

"Don't", he said, voice tense and throaty. I pulled myself back, turning my head away from him to finish up with my hands.

What was I even _thinking_? Clearly I wasn't, because of course I couldn't just come back into his life after _weeks_ and take for granted that he's still slightly attracted to me, or wants me. Wants _Harry_.

A strong hand gripped my upper arm as I turned to leave. Pain shot through my shoulder and I gritted my teeth willing it to go away.

"Pansy adviced me to avoid you tonight, to let you come to _me_. I saw you walking in here and i couldn't help myself, it's like I'm missing something, I _always_ need to be close to you, to see you. I want so badly to kiss you", he said and swallowed. "And more. The thing is that your wife's pregnant and no matter what you _did_ choose _her_ and I have to sit around and pretend I'm fine with that."

"They died in the car crash", I told him.

"What? Who?" he asked confused. I closed my eyes.

"The baby", I said and I heard the rough intake of breath from behind me.

"I'm sorry", he said and dropped his arm from my bicep. I sighed in relief.

"It's fine."

"All I'm trying to say is that if everything would've been different, if you wouldn't have been married, I know you've _always_ have been byt I'm tired of being the lover, the mistress. I don't want to be a _secret_. I want what we have."

I turned around at that and looke dhim sqaure in the eyes. "And what _do_ we have, may I ask?"

"I don't know", he said exasperatedly. "Just forget it", he added before storming out through the door.

Well that went well...

Suddenly I wanted nothing but to get inside a cab and go home, which meant I had to find Ginny.

I couldn't find her on the dancefloor or by the bar so I decided to ask around.

"Excuse me, have you seen a woman with long red hair and a purple dress?" I had asked.

"Sorry but no", they had replied and I almost wanted to give up men a small, manicured hand tapped me on my healthy shoulder.

"I heard you were looking for your wife", the woman said and I nodded. "I saw a redhead over there just a moment ago", she explained and pointed over to a crowded corner.

I didn't turn around to thank the helpful woman just nodded and went to retrieve my wife.

"Excuse me", I said as I elbowed my way through the crowd, I _really_ wanted to be home right _now_.

I stopped dead in my tracks as I found myself staring at a woman with fiery red hair and purple dress who was being snogged senseless by a tanned man with short black hair.

"It couldn't be Ginny", a small part of my head offered. "Looks like Ginny's enjoying herself" another part, a bigger part of my head offered.

I fled the scene and went in the cab alone that night.

* * *

It was one in the morning when I heard the door opening. I had sat on the sofa with tea in front of me since I came home a couple of hours ago, etermined to confront my wife as she came home.

"Enjoyed yourself?" I asked as she she stepped inside the living room. She stopped to stare incredelously at me.

"What?" she asked.

"Because from the looks of it, it sure seemed that way", I said and downed the content of my cup.

"You saw...", she whispered and I just nodded. "That's why you left early?" she asked.

Technically, no. But she couldn't know I ran into a past lover in the bathroom, could she?

"Yes", I lied.

"Well that was shitty of you! I could've been _raped_ you know! I may have snogged some bloke, that doesn't mean it was consensual", she said exasperatedly.

"It looked pretty consensual to me", I responded and glared at her.

"God! I just needed someone, Harry, and you weren't there!"

"And that makes it okay?! God Ginny, it's not like you've been here for me either, would you be fine if I went and snogged someone else?" I rose from the sofa,

She didn't answer me.

"I can't do this anymore, Ginny! I am tired of us being like this!"

"We can work through it, we always have", she pleaded, stepping closer to me.

"I don't think we can anymore", I told her and silence greeted me as an old friend. For a couple of seconds I swore she had given up, that she wouldn't respond to that but that was before I saw comprehension dawn on all of her features and in her brown eyes.

"There is someone else, isn't there?" she whispered it so quietly I could've pretended not to have heard it. If it wasn't for the sudden expression of shock that was radiating from my whole being or how I suddenly sat down on the sofa again as if defeated I could've pretended. Seeing my reaction seemed to give her some sort of strength. " _Isn't there_! Don't think for one second _Harry James Potter_ that I didn't _suspect_ anything, you came home with a _hickey_ one night and you told me you were talking with a _student_!"

"What do you want me to say, Ginny?!" I asked exasperated wanting _this_ conversation to be over any second now. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"Are you sleeping with another woman?"

"No", I said and sighed in relief, thinking the whole conversation was over, but that was before I heard the next question that came out of her mouth.

"What about another _man_?"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

January flew by with a lot of papers and files that we had to sign. It was the ending of January now and Ginny was supposed to come here to sign the last paper.

Everything seemed so surreal to me. It felt like I had failed. My marriage was a failure. Damn, _I_ was a failure!

I hadn't even seen Ginny since the night I confronted her. Which turned out to be the absolute opposite.

* * *

_"Are you sleeping with another woman?" Ginny asked. I didn't look at her so I don't know what she looked like or what she was doing. Being her husband I suppose I should know all of her mannerisms but I've been so distant lately. It's like I don't know her. Or she me._

_"No", I said and sighed in relief, thinking –_ hoping _– the whole conversation was over, but that was before I heard the next question that came out of her mouth._

 _"What about another_ man _?"_

 _The words echoed in my head and I could do nothing but stare at the wall in front of me._ "What about another man?"

 _"Don't think for one second_ Harry James Potter _that I didn't_ suspect _anything, you came home with a_ hickey _one night and you told me you were talking with a_ student _!" I remembered what she had said earlier. The sentence hit me so hard in the head it almost took me off balance._

 _She had suspected. I had come home with a_ hickey **.** _But she had_ suspected **.** _She had supected. I don't know why, I can't put my finger on it but knowing_ that _was the worst thing of all. The final blow to the head._

 _Earlier it had all been just an affair, a secret. It had been exciting and scary and happy and I had loved every second of it. It was wrong, and I know that, too. However, I think I'd do it all again because how can something that feels so_ right _be wrong? I understand the part with me being married and him being the mistress and all that, it's not ideal or anything but_ still _! Do you understand what I mean or am I babbling? I always seem to babble._

_I heard the sound of something falling to the floor, my eyes seek it out and as they meet the brown orbs of Ginny's I remember I haven't answered her yet._

_"It's true then, isn't it?" she says it so silently I would've contemplated whether or not it was actually said if it wasn't for the movement of her lips._

_All I could do was bury my head in my hands._

_I had failed. I was a failure._

_Ginny started crying._

_"So_ what _, are you_ bent _now, Harry, is that it? Are. You._ Gay _?" she was sobbing hard now, her voice hoarse and throat thick. I didn't dare look at her, espescially not into her eyes._

_I couldn't speak. My voice had gotten tense and thick somewhere along the way._

_"I married a_ poof _", Ginny said and I heard the frustrated sigh hidden behind the words. I heard the prayer for this all to be a dream and I heard the sound of glass falling to the floor and how it was shattered._

 _"It's not black and white, Ginny", I muttered. "Sometimes there's grey, too". Like_ his _eyes. And suddenly, despite everything I found i was smiling. "I'm not_ either _gay or straight, you know. I could be_ bi _or_ pan _or whatever. It doesn't really matter", I added a tad more silent than before, but she still seemed to hear me._

 _She snorted. "_ It doesn't matter _", she quoted me mockingly. "Of course it does! It matters to_ me _!" I sighed._

 _"Why? Why does it matter to you? There's no difference between me cheating on you with a man or with a woman!" I said exasperatedly and removed my head from my hands to look at her. I wish I hadn't. Ginny was known for being_ strong _, I've never seen her look so fragile and weak. As if I just reach out and touch her she'd cease to exist, turn into dust and float away with the wind._

 _"How can you say that?" she asked me, more tears started streaming down her face and she let them. "A man I can't compete with. I can't be jealous for real because he has_ parts _I don't have. A man can do_ things _with parts I'll never have. Do you know how that makes me feel? If it would've been a woman I could've been jealous because '_ Oh, she's so pretty', _or_ 'look at her breasts' _or whatever. I can't be jealous of a_ cock _! That's_ wrong **!"**

_I didn't answer her, I just sat there on the sofa and stared at her wet, freckled face. As I watched her brown eyes look at me, tears streaming from them as a waterfall and held an emotion somewhere between disappoinment, confusion and sorrow I knew that it was over._

_It was all over, now. Nothing could heal this, make this all better again. It was over. Game over, good luck next time._

_Ginny rose up and left the house._

_I sighed in relief._

* * *

That was the last time I've seen her since now. She was sitting across from me at the table we used to call ours. It felt odd.

Ginny looked as beautiful as ever. She looked completely healthy now, not a scratch or a scar visible from the accident, as if it never had occured. I still felt it, though. My physical therapist helped me, I'm seeing her once every two weeks now and she says that if I keep going about the way I do everything will be okay.

When I did my checkup at the hospital to see if everything had healed as expected the doctors found a small piece of bone in my shoulder, too small to operate away but too big not to hurt. At least sometimes. I asked them why they just couldn't go in there and take the small piece away if it would mean I'd get better, they only told me that going in there would make it worse.

I'm currently unemployed, apart from babysitting two tiny dorks now and then. I am looking, though. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now tthat the path I always knew was gone. Ginny and I wasn't together anymore, I was in love with a man and I wasn't a karate instructor anymore. Everything had changed. Where had my life gone?

Neither me nor Ginny spoke while signing the papers, I glanced at her once or twice but she was busy writing her name in her neat handwriting. Before I knew it the papers were signed and given to the solicitor who had been quietly pacing the room earlier. She put the papers in her briefcase before leaving the two of us alone.

Ginny met my eyes and offered me a small smile before rising up and walking towards the door.

"Harry", Ginny said and turned around in the hallway to look at me. "The man from the club, I'm seeing him", she said in a rush and I smiled at her, first in confusion before I understood who she meant.

"I'm glad", I said. "It's really none of my business anymore".

She just sighed. "I just though that, you know", she bagan but sighed in frustration and looked at her shoes, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear nervously. "I thought that we could make an agreement. If you don't tell anymone – _espescially_ mom and dad– that we met whilst we were married, then I could do the same for you". I felt something pang in my chest and I smiled at her.

"I'd love that", I said. I just wasn't that sure Draco wanted to see me after everything. What if he was just with me all this time just for the thrill of the moment, because it was exciting shagging a married man? What if _I_ was only whith _him_ because it was exciting cheating on my wife? Maybe everything was just a sexual thing, and nothing on a deeper level. Just passion, a flame without a spark. Am I making any sense?

God, I'm confused.

Ginny smiled at me, a delicate eyebrow raised. "You're thinking again, aren't you?" she asked and I sent her a stern look making her chickle. She waved her hand nonchalantly. "Good bye, Harry", she said and left.

The house was no longer _ours_ , but _mine_. Something felt rather lonely about that.

Hermione had come over later while Ron worked overtime solving crimes at his desk or something.

Ginny was staying at Hermione's and Ron's shared apartment for the time being while she waited to get her own place. I had told her that it was fine if she wanted to stay here until she found something. I'm glad she knew me enough to tell I was just polite.

After Ginny had disappeared to their apartment that night a couple of weeks ago both Ron and Hemrione had paid me a visit the next day. Hermione wanted to know why we had split and why Ginny had been crying "even though she's too proud to admit it". Ron just looked confused.

I told them that we hadn't been on the best of terms for a long time now and that it was like we both had changed.

Hermione had told me that that doesn't explain Ginny's tears. I merely sighed and told them that I had fallen for someone else just out of the blue. Hermione furrowed her brows as if she knew there was more to it. I rested my head in my hands and told them that it was a _man_. I had fallen for a _man_.

The sharp intakes of breath and hard stares and cursewords hadn't come. _Well_... at least not from Hermione. Ron swore so much I think Hermione would have wanted to put duct tape across his lips. Her look spoke so much.

Hermione told me she was hardly surprised by this revelation of my affections. She explained that she had noticed me eyeing some boys back at school. Ron, though, had been as obliviate to that as I was.

" _Honestly_ ", she had said. "You have _eyes_ you know". Ron and I glanced at each other amusedly while Hermione rolled her eyes at us.

I don't know what reactions I had expected form them, I know Ron wasn't extremely happy with it all and when I asked him how he felt about it all he just shrugged and muttered "as long as you didn't act on it, I don't see the problem". I know it wasn't easy for him. He had gritted his teeth and his eyes had lost their joyful gleaming as he thought about it. I could tell.

He just needs time to adjust to all of this.

"I have found the right man for you", Hermione said as we sat quitely on the living room sofa, sipping tea bringing me back to reality from my thoughts.

I turned to stare at her. _Oh God no!_

"You have _what_?" I asked gobsmacked, almost dropping the cup of tea in my hands.

Hermione just shrugged. "He is fit, and intelligent and I've heard he's loyal and has a kind heart", she told me, not looking at me.

"You do realise you just described the perfect _dog_ ", I said and she glared at me.

"This is serious, Harry! I think you'd make quite the pair!"

I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face.

"I don't think it's a good idea", I sighed, thinking about blonde hair and gemstones.

"And why not?"

Well, there is someone already. A man who can just with the power of his gaze make me weak in my knees. A man whose smile makes my hear speed up impossibly fast and whose touch makes me feel like I have reason for existing. As if I was created _for_ him and he for me. A man who speaks my name with an intimacy and undescribable pronounciation making my name seem almost private, a secret shared between us. The way he speaks and that damnable _smirk_ on his lips, and _those lips_ makes me flustered.

But I couldn't tell her that.

"It's too early after Ginny", I lied.

"Harry", Hermione spoke it silently, as if the name was fragile and she didn't want it to break. "It's been weeks, I know it's not that long but she's already seeing someone, the least you can do is _try_. Who knows you might find the person you're meant to spend the rest of you'tr life with".

I realised I couldn't really argue with Hermione because she would keep pushing. I clenched my teeth almost painfully.

"When?" I asked and though I could not see it, I could _feel_ the smile and approving look she sent me. Oh, she was _loving_ this.

* * *

So Ron and Hermione –mostly Hermione, of course– had set me up on a date with this guy Hermione had come in contact with through a colleague.

And that's how I found myself in a restaurant, seated next to Ron, opposite to a not-quite handsome man with short dark brown hair. Next to said man was Hermione.

They set me up on a _double date._

We had a table at " _The Yellow Monkey_ ", a fairly simple but cosy restaurant that mostly does catering and dinners. I had never eaten here but I recognised the name from somewhere, but I couldn't seem to remember why.

Not like it mattered.

The double date was awkward. I tried making conversations with the man, Henry, I think his name was. Henry offered me the shortest answers he could.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"What do you do for a living?"

"Work."

"What do you work with?"

"Animal rights."

"Sounds interesting."

"Not really."

"Well... it's a nice day today."

"I guess".

Henry didn't even bother asking me anything, he just sat there, staring at me with blue eyes and a polite smile that didn't reach his eyes. I wanted to pull at my hair out of frustration. Trust Hermione to set you up with _the right man_!

It was survivable. At least until it was time to order and I saw the waiter walking towards us with his blond hair slicked back.

I held up my menu as I ducked under it, hiding myself from the blond waiter. I kicked Ron gently under the table and he scowled at me.

"What", he hissed and bent his head closer to mine.

I cleared my throat and stood. "I'm going to the loo", I said and, once again, kicked Ron under the table and he stood up quickly.

"I'll just give him a hand", Ron said and I went a bright red. Hopefully Draco hadn't heard him as he was busy at another table at the moment, from the looks of it an old lady asked him something about wine. I had to leave before recognition dawned on him.

And I swear to God the old lady _winked_ at me!

I strode away from the table, not waiting for Ron to come after me.

The door flew open to the restrooms as an elderly man went out and I reached for it before it closed and all but ran inside to hopefully leave the embarrasment on the other side.

"What's got your knickers in a twist, mate?" Ron asked as he entered the loo.

"I'll just _give him a hand_ ", I asked in a high-pitched voice and turned around to face him just a tad too fast. "A _hand_ , Ron!"

"Oh blimey-", he began, his eyes turning the size of saucers. Ron rubbed one hand over his reddened face.

"Yep!" I said, cutting him off and running a hand through my, for once, combed hair messing it up again.

"So... what _has_ gotten your knickers in a twist?".

"I do _not_ have my knickers in a twist! It's just that... He just", I bit my lip, struggling to find the right words and making them understandable. "Do you remember the man from my wedding? The caterer?"

Ron looked at me a little chocked, as if he wasn't prepared for me to bring that man up. Or expecting me to even remember him. Which I did, too much for my own good, I assume.

He just shook his head, looking sceptical, as if what was about to come out of my mouth would be something he didn't like.

And then it dawned on him.

"Oh, bloody hell! _That's_ why you were so against letting 'Mione set you up with some bloke, you were interested in someone else", Ron said and rested his weight against the wall.

" _He_ is our waiter at _this_ restaurant!" I said and pointed first at the door and then to the floor.

"Wait, you didn't _know_ he was working here?" Ron asked, looking scandalised.

I shook my head.

"Holy mother of...! Bloody hell!" Ron all but yelled, dragging a hand over his face. "This is the _bloody_ restaurant you hired to cater your _bloody_ wedding!"

So _that_ was why the name was so familiar.

"Oh, shit. I should've... _God_! Ginny would kill me if she knew."

"Be happy she's no longer your wife." I glared at him, making him chuckle.

"Tosser."

"Maybe, you shouldn't run away, I mean... why don't you ask him out, you know eat dinner or something", Ron offered and I stared at him. I _can't_ believe I hadn't thought about that myself!

"You're right! I should go in there and ask him out!"

"Damn, right you should! You're Harry Potter! Nothing to worry about", Ron supported me and I offered him a winning smile.

I took a deep breath and Ron patted me on my shoulder, my good shoulder. "Ready to go in?" Ron asked and smiled supporttively.

"Not yet. I actually have to pee but you go ahead, I'll be in in a second", I said.

Ron chuckled but left the restroom and I went into one of the cubicles to pee. Afterwards I spoke some encouraging words as I washed my hands.

"You can do this, Harry. Go in there and sweep him off his feet. You're Harry Potter, and you choose him."

With a satisfied nod at my reflection I opened the door to the restaurant again to find Ron standing right on the other side. He reached for my shoulders.

"Mate, I don't think you should", he said but I brushed past him, I had set my mind to this and then I am doing this.

I walked towards our table, looking around to see where Draco was. I furrowed my brows, he couldn't have disappeared could he?

And then I saw him. He held a tanned man close to him. Draco seemed happy as the tanned man kissed him on the cheek before enveloping him in a tight hug. Both men chuckled, looking genuinly happy.

I was too late.

Before I knew it I had left the restaurant in a run, Ron's voice from behind screaming my name. "Harry."

I was too late.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

I sat in a small restaurant, waiting. I hadn't been able to either drink or eat all day. It was now evening and I was waiting.

I left the house half an hour ago, high on coffeine and impossibly nervous. My eyes searched the entrance to the small restaurant after a blonde head. My heartbeat quickened every time I heard the door open but my companion didn't come.

He was _late_.

We had planned to meet at six sharp. The clock was 18.23. Maybe he wouldn't show up and I was nothing but a fool.

The clock was half past six when the door opened for the umptienth time, the blonde stood by the seat opposite me. I rose.

"Hello", I said a bit nervously and smiled at him, as if I wasn't a bit pissed off for him being late. "Harry", I said and offered him my hand as he took a step towards me, arms wide open, as if he was going to hug me.

Awkward silence as we both withdrew and sat instead. I coughed, a blush spreading on my face.

"I didn't catch your name", I said and smiled politely at him. His hazeleyes were dazed and I could swear I smelled alcohol when he spoke.

"Jonathan", the blonde man said and smiled at me. He was the kind of man that you called a natural beauty, he had well defined features, round cheekbones and a small, pouty, pink mouth. He was very flambouyant as we started conversing. Voice more feminine than Ginny's.

The blonde hair was cut right above his shoulders and tucked behind his ears. It lacked the shine that I had grown accustomed to on another blonde man.

 _Don't think about him_ , I told myself. _He's moved on_. Though I'm not sure what he's moved on from, we were never exclusive, we were never _anything_. It doesn't mean anything. It was just an affair.

Jonathan said something but I didn't listen. I told myself that those alcohol dazed, hazel eyes were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen even though I felt with every beat of my heart the word " _wrong_ ".

We got our food, I had ordered one dish. He had ordered _four_.

As we were eating I asked him about school. He went to the same University as _him_ but instead of dancing he studied photography.

Jonathan was _nineteen_.

"My life is an open book", he said. "Ask me anything". I asked him about his family, turns out he has two older brothers and very loving and accomplished parents, both were lawyers. His brothers were a doctor and a journalist.

When I didn't come up with something else I wanted to know, I told him the same thing.

"What do you want to know about me?" I asked but Jonathan picked up his mobilephone, which had started ringing.

"I don't want to know anything about you", he had said before answering the phone.

"Hello", he said before chuckling. "No, no! You are _not_ interrupting anything at all." He rose from his seat, took his jacket and looked at me. "Thanks for the dinner", he said and patted me awkwardly on my injured shoulder before exiting the restaurant in giggles.

Well, that went fairly well?

* * *

"No, 'Mione, I'm _serious_!" I said exasperatedly as I sat in my livingroom armchair with a glass of whiskey in my hands. Ron and Hermione had come to hear the _success_ of my date.

"I still think you're exaggerating, Harry. Surely it couldn't have been _that_ bad", she said and I rolled my eyes at her. She and Ron sat on the sofa, facing me.

"No, Hermione", I said. "It was _worse_." Hermione lifted a delicate eyebrow at me. "The waiter came back right after Jonathan's departure and asked me if I wanted my champagne with the créme brulee. I mean who orders _champagne_ on the _first date_!?" I stared at them.

Ron was laughing. "I still love that he patted you on the shoulder, thanking you for the food. That was _brilliant_ ". I glared at him making Hermione snigger.

"Have you tried some other ways of dating?" Hermione asked me an hour later as Ron was on the toilet. They were preparing to go home. "I've heard about this app", she continued and furrowed her eyebrows in concentration. "I think it's called _Grindr_. Heard it's good, a lot of gay men using it". Trust Hermione to do research in every area. It made me smile.

"Yeah, I can check it out", I said. She returned my smile for a second before her eyes widened.

"Oh, I almost forgot", she said and started digging in her jacket pocket before she sighed in relief and held a piece of paper up into the air.

I eyed it sceptically.

"What is it Hermione?" I asked, she handed me the piece of paper. As my eyes scanned it, realisation dawned on me. My heart was beating faster and my palms had turned just a tad sweaty.

"Ron told me", she said. She didn't need to say anything else because I understood exactly.

It was a ticket to the dance. _His_ dance.

"You know I can't go, 'Mione", I said and looked at her, the hand gripping the ticket fell to the side of my thigh in defeat, brushing the piece of paper against my hip.

"I know", she said apologetically. "That's why you have to go. He has the right to know you divorced Ginny. You have to tell him. For both of you." Hermione smiled reassuringly at me.

"I hate how you're always right", I said.

* * *

I followed Hermione's advice and downloaded Grindr to my phone. It took just a couple of minutes before I got my first messages.

Most of which never got a response.

After a couple of hours I felt almost defeated and nearly desperate. I suppose I was, because the next person to message me, got more than a response.

**Hello**

"Hi", I responded, laying down comfortably in my sofa, hoping this one would be better than the rest, not at all as shallow as the rest of them.

**How r u?**

So he's one of _those_... Usually I have standards against bad grammar and shortage of words but I'm... I'm _not_ desperate, I just want some fun, surely I deserve some fun, right?

"I'm alright, how are you?"

**Horny**

**U?**

Forget I even hoped for even half a second that not all gays on Grindr would message me like _that_. Hopefully I haven't met the right one just yet.

"Just chilling."

**Wanna chill on my cock?**

"Depends", I responded and rolled my eyes.

The man had sent me a picture and I found myself staring at the pale, uncut cock in front of me. I wetted me lips and felt the throb of my own length against my thigh as it began to harden.

This was _ridiculous_! I felt like a thriteen year old boy again. I've seen a lot of cocks but not _this_ way. I've only been with one man, only seen one man in a way that makes my pulse quicken and breath uneven and cock rock hard. Only one man had been wanting me, lusted for me, and I for him.

Just one man.

Until now, that is. Until now. A man had presented himself, sent me a dick pic and before I had realised that I hadn't responded he sent me another message.

**Top or bttm**

"Whatever you'd like", I found myself typing and smirked.

**Show me tight hole of urs**

I gritted my teeth as I pressed my fingers on the screen to write the two letters. "No".

**Plz, I bet u have butiful ass**

"You're right, I do", I could hear Draco's voice in my head. _Tosser_. And I heard myself respond, _you know you love it._ He would snigger at that, lift his chin up just a tad as if looking at me through new eyes, his grey eyes would gleam.

**Oh God, plzz lemme see it**

I laughed, searched on Google for arse pictures and sent him one of those. The man's response was not anticipated.

**I wanna b inside u rn, to fuck that ass hard**

**I want to undres inside thta ass til u bent ovre in plezure on my kichten waiting 4 me 2 cum over u n leave u boneless n wanting more till I take ur big cock in my mouth til u see starzz**

My pulse had quickened, impossibly, and my cock was trying to catch my attention. It was impossible _not_ to notice it as I felt my eyes glazed over with lust and in one –not so gracious– movement I removed both trousers and pants. I was suddenly lying in my sofa, stark naked from waist down, cock on display for the neighbours if they wanted to glance into my house. At this second I found I didn't really care.

Surely I deserved some action, right? It's been too long, I think I needed it more than I would ever think.

I gripped my cock firmly, gasping at the sensation of skin on skin. Pretending the hand belonged to someone else, or that it was someone else's cock.

The man kept telling me, instructing me, of how he would go about shagging me, how my skin would feel as he touched it, how my entrance would have been prepared for him with nothing but fingers and tongue so that I would really _feel_ him enter me. He told me the movements of his tongue and hands as he would suck me after my whole back was covered with his come.

I didn't respond to him but I think he knew very well what I was up to. My hand was working me furiously into climax, following the man's instructions until I felt my muscles tense and my release covered my lower stumach. I was breathing heavily, laying my arms above my head, not wanting to rise just yet.

I laid there, on the sofa as something as thick as tar was throbbing in my chest and throat. Something started prickling behind my eyes as another thing dawned on me but I closed them and tried to calm my body until sleep was enveloping me and inviting me to a dreamless night.

I _am_ desperate.

* * *

Another month had gone by quickly. I had gotten a job as a caretaker at the local police department. It was only temporary, until I found something else, something better. It was Hermione's idea, naturally, but it was Ron that made it happen. How he managed it is a mystery.

"It was dark and the lady didn't see anything", he had told me with a grin.

"Well, whatever you did, thanks mate. Appreciate it." I couldn't tell him that I hoped he hadn't broken any rules because that would be like telling the desert I hoped it wouldn't be sandy.

I just think Ron saw this as an opportunity for me to get my mind back on becoming a cop. It was _our_ plan, after all and I was the one who didn't go through with it. It didn't appeal to me all those years ago when I found out I could be a karate instructor. Maybe it would appeal to me _now_.

Hermione told me I should take it, the job, because I've changed so much lately that maybe being a policeman would fit me now. Maybe it would be _right_ for me now.

She had said that different things can be right for a person in different places of their lives. That sometimes we need to grow and change in order to open our eyes for a new path, and a new way of life. Like, a year ago, or just half a year ago I would've said I only loved girls. That no boy –or man– would be appealing to me in that way, that I would _never_ want them like I wanted girls. _Girl_. Ginny. It's always _only_ been Ginny.

I knew that to be wrong now. There was someone else, I just wish I had met him before I had gotten married and that we wouldn't have met for the first time at my _wedding_. That is just bad luck. I'm full of it.

As my mind drifted back to the blonde man, _Draco_ , I came to think about the ticket that is still lying on my bedroom drawer. The dance was in a couple of days, but I'm not going. I thought about selling the ticket, because surely someone else would want to buy it. Someone that had actually _planned_ to go. Which I hadn't. I am _not_ going to the dance. I can't. Don't think it's becaue I'm weak and that I can't take the sight of him in another man's arms because it has nothing to do with that.

Absolutely nothing.

Surely.

It has to do with the fact that I'm a busy man, yes. _Busy_. I have a lot of things scheduled for next Friday, I have four meals of food that won't be cooking itself and I have a lot of wedding plans to go through with Hermione and Ron. I have a bachelor party to plan for Ron.

Maybe this doesn't seem like much but it is a full day of work! I am a busy man, I don't have time to go to a dance to watch a man being all lovey dovey with some egocentric, vain playboy.

I have no problem with that, he can date whoever he'd like.

I'm only fooling myself, but I'm not sure it's working yet.

Someone was suddenly knocking on the door, I went up from the sofa I had been occupying and left for the door.

It was Hermione. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was biting on her lip. She was soaking wet, that's when I realised it was raining furiously outside.

"Is everything alright, 'Mione?" I asked, she looked at me uncertainly for a second before shaking her head.

"No everything's fine, may I come in?" she stepped inside not waiting for me to reply. She knew I'd say "of course". She hung off her jacket and removed her shoes.

"Have you accepted the joboffer yet?" she asked me as she sat down on the sofa. I went into the bathroom to grab a clean towell from a shelf and then offered it to Hermione on the sofa. I sat down next to her.

"Not yet", I told her truthfully. I wasn't sure yet whether taking the job would be a good idea or not. She nodded but didn't look entirely pleased by it.

"Have you thought about what you're going to tell Draco on Friday?" she asked me. Trust Hermione to jump right to the questions.

I was taken aback by the question, contemplating what to respond because honestly I hadn't planned to go.

Realisation dawned on her and she sat up a bit straighter staring at me. "You _have_ to go, Harry. It's the _right_ thing to do! You have to see him"

"Do you have any idea what that'll do with me?" I asked her.

"That doesn't make it any less _right_."

"I know, but what will you have me do about it?" I asked her frustratingly but she kept her eyes sternly on me.

" _Honestly_ , Harry! You will go to the dance and you will watch him and when it's done you _are_ going to him to tell him just how good he was", she began as if counting them off on her fingers. "And then you'll tell him you divorced Ginny and that you're hopelessly in love with him. He deserves to know", she finished and I glared at her.

"'Mione it's not that easy".

"If you don't think it is then it's not, but if you're just determined to do it then it'll be easy. It doesn't really matter, either way. You _have_ to tell him, because if you don't then I will and I think it's safe to say that he'd rather hear it from you."

Sometimes I forget how difficult it is to argue with Hermione. Espescially when I know she's right. Agreeing is just sometimes harder than arguing.

* * *

I went to it. The dance.

The theater was dark but crowded, I hadn't anticipated that many people to show up. I suppose they're mostly just either family or friends, maybe even talent scouts. I have no idea about stuff like this. Like _dances_. But I was attending one now, another thing I never thought I'd ever do just a year ago, _espescially_ not a _school_ dance. Because that's basically what it was, I think, apart from the fact that it was a _University_ and they were _performing_.

God, I sound like I'm judging I just mean that... just forget it, okay. All I wanted to say about it was that I hadn't spared a single _thought_ about attending a dance just a year ago, the thought never crossed my mind.

So many things has changed since then.

Someone hushed me as I went to take a seat by one of the ends. As I sat down, a middle aged woman entered the stage, facing us. She introduced the audience to the concept and the story of the dance performance.

The dance was about a boy who had a dream to become a performer but no one supported him. His classmates were teasing him about his dreams because it wasn't socially accepted for a boy to be interested in dancing instead of cars. His father neglected him.

This made me wonder whether or not Draco's parents supported his choice? I know his father is a business man and surely he had wanted Draco to be a lawyer or a doctor or something of status but here he was. Dancing.

Draco was _here_ , I was going to watch him. I felt my whole body fill with nervous anticipation due to the fact that I'll see him now. After months I'm going to see him, but I'm going to see him perform, _dancing_ , something that he seemed to enjoy doing. It felt a bit intimate to take a part in something he loved doing and it made me forget why I was so against coming in the first place.

I smiled as I remembered when I was supposed to teach him karate and I remembered how we got there, me finding him in a dark alley, and I remembered what my lesson had led to. What _everything_ had led to.

The lights went out again. A couple of seconds of anxious waiting before a single spotlight reached the stage where a lone figure was sat on a chair. Back turned to us and head gleaming white.

For what felt like an eternity he just sat there, unmoving, before music started playing, louder and louder, but still so softly. The figure started moving with a rythm, gracefully and fluidly.

The figure rose and my stumach clenched because _of course it's him_. That graceful, balanced, beautiful _tosser_. My heart was beating faster just at the sight of him as he turned around to face us. Maybe he'd see, I wonder how he might react if he saw me.

Draco kept moving, looking as if he was concentrating, he stretched his body, rolled his arms, lifted his legs as if to try the movement. Suddenly the music changed and become both faster and harsher as three other people joined him on the stage, two boys and a girl. The three of them wore jeans and a black top.

The three poeple approached Draco who had turned to them as they had made their entrance. The two boys moved almost as gracefully as Draco had and they reached for him to the beat of the song. The movements of the four on stage together with the song made my stumach tie itself into knots.

They were _bullying_ him. Even though they didn't say anything their actions spoke the truth and I had never understood that more clearly than in this particular moment. The performers were communicating to us, the audience, using nothing but their movements and the music in the background. No words were spoken throughout the act.

One of the boys had pushed Draco so that he fell onto the floor, back down. It reminded me a bit of the dark alleyway and the big, black word on his forehead.

The music changed again, first it was quiet for something like half a minute before a slow song started playing and Draco rose to a sitting position very slowly and very carefully. This time he sat facing us, the light of the spotlight making his eyes shadowed and dark.

A piano was playing, and as multiple keys were played he was moving with them, flowing with them as if surfing on a wave. He was magnificent, I had never imagined seeing him doing something like _this_. He seemed so careless but careful, still. He seemed like he didn't care about anything, nonchalante and he seemed kind, and loving and caring.

It was different seeing him play a role, someone else. It was odd seeing the man I had grown accostumed to acting all different, moving all different than I used to think he could.

Now that I _did_ know, now that I had seen what he could do and what he loved doing, I wasn't going to stop. This won't be the last time, I promised myself.

* * *

I was waiting on the stairwell by the stage for Draco to show up, most of the other audience had either left or was greeting or praising their family or friend who was participating in the dance.

A tall blonde man and an equally blonde woman was standing next to Draco, the woman had hugged him tightly but the man was just looking really professional. If I wouldn't have seen the similarities between father and son I would have guessed that Mr. Malfoy was nothing but either a talent scout or a professor.

The tanned man from the restaurant and the woman from the club approached Draco and greeted his parents. I dragged my eyes away from the pair of them. Maybe it was a mistake coming here.

I turned around to go but heard Hermione's voice of reason in my head. " _He has the right to know you divorced Ginny. You have to tell him. For both of you._ " I sighed. Why does she always have to be right?

"Excuse me", a hard and stiff voice came from behind me, I turned around and noticed that Mr Malfoy was glaring at me, he was almost an exact replica of Draco, only a lot older, and hair longer.

I noticed I was occupying the entire staircase and apologised before walking down them to let Mr and Mrs Malfoy walk by me. Mrs Malfoy offered me a small, polite smile before following her husband out of the theater.

When I turned around to look at the going ons on the stage I saw that Draco was left alone by one side with no one but the tanned bloke. The girl –Pansy?– had gone somewhere else.

I narrowed my eyes and strode over to them, clearing my throat to announce my presence to the couple.

Draco turned around to face me, I could see the emotions on his face as they changed when he recognised me. First he was schocked, then he was confused and a bit pleased, lastly he changed his features to look professional and polite.

I was suddenly nervous, my stumach turning over and making me feel almost sick.

"I just wanted to tell you that you looked amazing up there", I said, he smiled uncertainly at me. "Not that you don't always look good, it was just that... that you... uhm... you moved well, you have a great body", I spluttered, my face bright red. Brilliant, Harry, just _brilliant_.

Draco looked at me with an amused smirk on his face, I looked away from him and once again noticed the handsome tanned man by his side.

"Well I, I just wanted to tell you that. I'm not going to detain you, you and your boyfriend should go home to celebrate", I said and made to turn around.

"He's not my boyfriend", Draco said and I froze. "Blaise, go and find Pansy, I'll be with you in a minute".

The silence was awkward as I turned around to face him again, he looked really good, I had almost forgotten that. He looked like he could've been a model or an actor, a person people had to pay to see. If you looked at him a bit too long you could be blinded, he was so bloody beautiful I can't believe I forgot that.

No fantasy can even begin to compare with the real deal.

"I divorced Ginny", I pushed the words forcefully out of my mouth in a rush, afraid I wouldn't be able to say it otherwise.

Draco looked shocked before he tilted his head to the side and offered me a small, genuine smile. "I know", he said and turned his smile into a smirk. I felt my heart skipping a beat.

Before I had a chance to ask him _how_ he knew, he asked me something instead.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

I stared at him, what was he insinuating? It took a couple of minute –or _forever_ – before I realised I was still staring at him.

"It's fine", he said, looking suddenly like a sad puppy, a very attractively, intimidating, pointy puppy. "I understand". It broke me out of my trans. Draco turned around to walk away, from the look of it.

"Are you asking me out?" I asked flabbergasted and saw how his whole posture stiffened as he froze in his tracks. "Because if you are, I'd say-", I began but he cut me off, turning around.

"What? ' _Sorry, but I'm not gay, thanks for the offer_ ' or something else rich like that? Just forget I said something", he said and instead of turning around he made to walk past me but I stepped in his way, making us stand impossibly close.

"Yes", I said. "I would've said yes, that's basically why I came here. To tell you that...", I cut myself off to swallow, my throat suddenly impossibly tight with both nerves and anticipation. He was so _bloody close_. If I would just lean forwards a bit I could kiss him, my lips would brush against his and these last few months would be nothing but a memory.

It's been too long. Would he let me? If I kissed him, would he kiss me back or would he slap me or punch me, would he scream at me. Maybe he'd look at me with narrowed eyes, furious and sharp cutting through my chest.

If I kissed him now it would be worth it, his lips looked so pink and soft and almost _too_ kissable. Maybe if I kissed him everything would start to make sense or maybe it'd stop making sense because everything will be a blur. Maybe everything would finally _fit_. Like I know it had with him before.

Maybe if I kissed him he'd understand what I meant and what I wanted. What I had wanted and needed since I met him. If I just leaned in and pressed my lips against his, feel them pressed against mine, feel his body flush against mine, feel his tongue stroking mine. If I just kissed him.

But he beat me to it. He bloody _kissed me_. My eyes fell closed to the sensation of skin, his skin on mine. It was sweet and soft but also familiar. I had missed this, what a brush of lips could do to a person if they just let it. I let it.

Draco pulled back and I opened my eyes to look at him, brows furrowed. He looked nervous.

"I'm sorry", he said. "I thought that's what you meant and..." I didn't let him finish that sentence. I pulled him to me, my arms around his shoulders. I kissed him feverishly as if nothing else mattered because it didn't. I wouldn't let it.

It didn't matter what I had meant to tell him, with us actions always spoke more loudly when our words failed. I kissed him and kept kissing him as if I was making up for lost time, this time though I had him right where I wanted him, and maybe someday I'll tell him how I felt. Draco Malfoy, I'm hopelessly in love with you.

Someone once told me that finding love would feel like falling into an endless pit of lava. A content warmth and tingling you just can't get rid of. That everything that happens after you look into his eyes that first time proves you were destined to fall from the start.

I finally understood what they meant.

 

 

The End.


	14. Epilogue

Epilogue

"Are you ready?" a voice asked me. I sighed and slowly opened my eyes.

"Yeah", I said and tried to look more calm and relaxed than I felt. He rolled his eyes at me.

"Honestly, Potter, just relax already. It's not a big deal", Draco said. We had been going out now for _months_. Well, officially for a couple of weeks. He still called me "Potter" most of the time, "Harry" was reserved for the more intimate and private moments. Those moments when he called me "Harry" made everything just that much more special, something that lies only between us. Him and me.

I relaxed. Shook my arms and legs a bit to lose the tension.

"Satisfied?" I asked, he took a step towards me.

"Very", he said and put one hand on my back.

"Honestly, I have to be the woman", I said exasperated, the bastard just snickered. "It's only because I'm shorter, right?"

"Right", he agreed sounding amused and gripped my hand tightly, held it up by our sides. I can't believe we were doing this.

I told him so. He snorted but didn't respond to it.

"Just follow my lead", he said so I did. I had told him about the last time that I danced and that I could've broken the toes of my dance partner if it wasn't for her wearing shoes. He just laughed at that and told me it was a good thing then that he would be the one to "sweep me off my feet".

We moved like that for a bit, like one person. It took a while for me to relax enough to actually follow his lead but I think I did a fairly good job at it.

"When We Were Young" by Adele was playing softly in the background. As softly as we were moving.

"You look like a movie, you sound like a song", I sang quietly to myself, Draco started chuckling, it made me realize how close we've moved, his rib cage was shaking against mine as he was chuckling. His breath tickled my face and I could do nothing but smile. I didn't feel the need to hide this, this time around anyone could walk in on us and witness our intimacy. It was official, I was dating Draco Malfoy.

It took some time for Molly to warm up to the idea of me and Draco. Of me and another man. But nowadays she cared warmly of him, she's been trying to get us to attend the Saturday Lunch at the Weasley Cottage for some time now, we still haven't taken it upon ourselves to go.

"You do look like a movie, you know", I said and looked into his beautiful grey eyes. He snorted, looked away from me and then he blushed. "What?" I smiled. He faced me.

"Nothing", he said and looked between my eyes and my lips as if asking for permission. Then he bent down and kissed me. It was sweet and careful as if tasting each other for the first time all over again and it was fine by me. This time around we had all the time in the world. This time there was no sneaking around, though I do admit that I did love the thrill of that whole living in the moment, but I loved this too. I loved this better because this time I didn't have to wonder if every kiss or touch would be the last one, this time I knew that more were to come and that was more exhilarating than sneaking around.

"I see you started without us". We broke apart to turn our gazes to the door. Ginny was watching us with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. By her side stood Blaise who had one arm swung around her.

"Aren't we supposed to wait for the bride and groom", teased Blaise. I could tell Draco was rolling his eyes.

"Oh, we were", he said and placed one of his hands at the small of my back.

Now it was Blaise's time to roll his eyes.

"Oh, honestly, all of you. Patient, much?" Hermione and Ron stepped in. All of us were wearing sportswear, we were having a dance lesson the lot of us to prepare for Hermione and Ron's wedding next week.

Hermione always made it seem like everything was under control but I knew she was nervous and panicking. As was Ron, though he never made it show. I had offered them all the help they would need, if they just asked for it. Hermione asked me to get Draco to teach us to dance. The only job that I got as the best mate was to be Ron's best man which meant I had to prepare a speech.

I hadn't prepared one yet. I'm not that good with speeches. I've never been that good with talking to a lot of people, I still have problem talking to a few people, too.

I'll make due, I always have, I will have something figured out till the wedding.

I better have.

* * *

Hermione strode into the hall with a bunch of papers in her hands, muttering to herself. "No, no, no, this is all wrong". It wasn't. It was just nerves, she tried to make everything as perfect as she could by second guessing the table reservations, the flowers, the seating arrangements, the songs, the room reservations, herself, the honeymoon resort, the food, Ron. Everything.

I told her everything was taken care of and everything looked as it should.

"I'm just making some last minute changes", she told me.

"You made those days ago", I told her and she gave in with a tense laughter, without mirth before we both gave in to laughter.

"It's just nerves", she said and I nodded.

"Out of the two of us, I have had a wedding", I reassured her.

"And that's supposed to make her feel better?" Ron teased and I glared at him.

"Wanker", I muttered, it didn't take too long for the three of us to break out in laughter. It always feels like it was such a long time since we graduated school together but in this moment it didn't feel like it at all.

Their wedding was the day after tomorrow, we had arrived at the rented house just yesterday making sure everything was in order. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Blaise, Molly, Arthur, Draco and I was all staying in different rooms in the house. Hermione lived with Ginny and Ron lived with me. Hermione and Ron had agreed to avoid -neither of them called it that but it was basically what it was- each other before the wedding when Ginny would share with Blaise, I would share with Draco and Hermione and Ron left for their honey moon, alone in each other's company for the first time in a week.

It was actually a bit difficult for all of us to always make sure that someone was in the same room as them or just one of them. I know Ron came to me a bit asking about Hermione because he wasn't aloud to ask her directly.

Hermione said that if doing it like this would be kind of like a test -oh god, how she loved tests- to see if they were actually "made" for each other or if they were just happier to be apart, in which case they shouldn't get married.

I think it's safe to say that they're perfect for each other, anyone that meets them should see just how perfect they are, almost like they complete each other, no matter how kinky that sounds. I never understood what people where getting at what with what I had with Ginny and all but I think I get it now. I really think I do.

What I have with Draco is so much different it's hard to explain, which makes it feel more real. What we have is something I never had with Ginny and she seems a lot happier with Blaise. Turns out he was the one to devour her at the club months ago when I confronted her which turned into her confronting me. It was a complicated situation, we've had loads of them as it turns out.

The sleeping arrangements that Hermione and Ron came up with didn't just split their relationship in two, it made all of the couples sleep separately apart from Molly and Arthur.

Hermione's parents are coming tonight.

* * *

All we had to do was wait, I stood anxiously next to an impossibly nervous Ron, I've never seen him look so red, he was like a torchlight, a beam. His face was as flaming red as his hair and his ears were redder.

I kept asking him if he wanted a glass of water or a blowing machine. He glared at me, telling me to piss off. He was nervous, I knew he was nervous. I patted him on his shoulder, reassuringly and he turned a small smile at me and nodded.

"I can do this", he muttered once or twice or maybe even five times to himself. "I can do this".

When the music started playing its usual tune Hermione stepped in with her hair up and a beautiful white dressed that reached a bit beneath her knees. She was wearing a veil that was draped over her face but you could still see the way she was glowing with her smile. Her brown eyes were sparkling as she never took her gaze from Ron.

"I can't do this", Ron started to mutter. "I really can't do this". I bent forwards to whisper in his ear.

"This is what you were supposed to do, it's what everything's lead up to", I said. "You can do this, Ron. I believe in you". He just needed a push and I knew it. He nodded but didn't look away from Hermione who was almost glowing brighter than Ron, in a different way though.

And believe it or not, he did it. They made it.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling apprehensive, nervous and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just married Ron Weasley", I began and turned my head towards a red Ron who was glaring at me. I saw how Ginny could barely control herself as she was laughing so hard Ron turned his glare at her.

"Ron paid me the ultimate compliment when he asked me to be his best man, ahead of four brothers, a handful of close friends and a boss who thought he was in for a shot. Or maybe a bridesmaid. There is one thing that made it no difficult task for me to say my piece on this occasion, and that is that I have known Ron for a very long time. Ever since he took a seat next to me on the schoolbus I knew that I could always count on him. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday.

"I also want to say that that all the years I've spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humor as anyone. Although I've tried to make this speech as funny as possible, feel free to blame Ron if it is not", everyone chuckled at that, Ginny fell into fits of laughter again as did Fred and George and even Hermione who tried to do it with at least some honor.

Sirius and Remus sat with one child in their lap each, teddy sat in Remus' and Natalia sat in Sirius'. They had gotten custody of both children a couple of weeks ago and couldn't be happier. Both me and Draco came by once every week to either babysit or just eat dinner with the happy family. Something that made me incredibly happy was to see the goofy grin on Teddy's face that was hard to take off him. The way he was at the orphanage was now nothing but a memory.

"Ron and Hermione are now on a journey together, a journey that took them four years dancing around each other and then when they were finally together Ron started dancing around a ring instead. It took him three years to finally, and I say finally because it had started getting my knickers in a twist and my knickers have nothing to do with their relationship. But as I was saying when he finally pulled the ring out of his arse and proposed on New Year's Eve I couldn't have been happier. Not only because they truly deserve it but because they've been acting as a married couple for so long it's a relief that they finally are one.

"Lastly I just want to send my best wishes to my two best friends that will for the first time in a week be in no ones company but each other. Also I don't know what it means hearing it from me as everyone knows how my marriage turned out, sorry about that Ginny. Not so sorry, Draco", I said and winked at him.

"So let us all make a toast for the amazing and wonderful Ron and Hermione Weasley".

* * *

"For a while there I didn't think they were ever going to actually leave", I said exasperated as I sat on the bed, trying to work my tie off but failing.

Draco stood at one corner just listening to me babble about everything from the wedding ceremony to my best man's speech and the food and if I was a terrible dance partner tonight. He just hummed as he was working his navy tie off and succeeding that tosser.

"Do you think they'd like Barcelona?" I asked. Hermione had decided they go to Barcelona for their honeymoon so now they have two weeks in each other's company in Spain. I wonder how much they're actually going to see apart from a hotel room and then I cursed myself for thinking that. Someday I have to ask for a device that can censor my brain.

Draco put his tie down carefully in I his suitcase and started then dragged his shirt up so that it wasn't tucked under the waistband of his trousers anymore. He started working on the buttons of his shirt and before I could even think he stood before me in nothing but his trousers and socks.

He must've noticed that I hadn't said something because he turned around and smirked at me and then he lowered his gaze to see that I was still fully clothed.

"Want help with that?" he asked and stepped towards me, kneeling down in front of me. Draco started working on my tie which was a lot more willing to come off to his experienced hands and then he removed my suit jacket.

"Better?" he asked as he started working on the buttons of my shirt. I couldn't think straight so I nodded and he smirked.

I dragged my hands up his body, from his stomach over his chest and then over his shoulders. His body was well defined and slightly muscular, he was eye candy, just looking at him was a turn on.

His breath had turned ragged somewhere along the way of my hands exploring his chest.

Our eyes met, green and grey and in the next moment I lid on my back on the bed with a half naked Draco on top of me. He was kissing me furiously, still trying to work on shirt buttons before he decided that they didn't matter that much and instead ripped the fabric apart, buttons flying off. I found I didn't really care. As long as he was kissing me, his tongue sliding against mine, his hands stroking my chest, I found I couldn't care less about a piece of clothing.

We were then working on each other's trouser buttons, in a mess of kisses and limbs and fabrics they were off too.

When we were both on the bed, completely naked, we had started to slow down, he looked at me with a questioning gaze before he fell to his back next to me. I turned my head to look at him and the sight of him just made my heart flutter and my breathing uneven.

"I want you inside me", he said and that did it. I groaned and got up on my knees.

"Did you bring lube?" I asked and I could tell he had one eyed raised.

"Why, didn't you think you might need it?" he teased and I blushed.

"I think I forgot it", I said honestly and he chuckled.

"Of course I brought lube you wanker".

I grabbed the lube from his suitcase and smeared some in my palm.

"Not anymore I'm not", I said.

"You better not".

I grabbed my cock with one hand and it was so hard and throbbing I didn't know if I could even dare cover it with the liquid. I gasped as I smeared it on and then I turned to Draco who was propping himself up on his elbows, legs spread widely apart. The sight might just undo me on its own.

My fingers smeared lube at his tight hole, it gave in for me and I was inside him with one finger, two and then three working him open. The little sounds Draco made was what kept me on the verse of insanity and when I decided that he was done I looked at him questioningly.

"Okay?" I asked and his eyes were gleaming like gemstones again.

"Okay".

I thrust inside him and both of us cursed at the sensations. I felt pleasure enveloping my cock as Draco's skin surrounded it and bursts of warmth and pleasure started pulsing through my whole body at the sensations of him. Just him.

I pulled back and then thrust in him again, I bent forwards and kissed his chest as I thrusted again. And again.

Draco was moaning, speaking incoherently and I thought I might just go crazy.

"So close", he was saying. "Fuck this, so close". One of my hands found his cock and started working him into climax to the same rhythm as I was going. We came, shakily and breathlessly and I could feel the tingling of post orgasm.

And as we drifted to sleep I couldn't help but feel incredibly and utterly happy, we might just stay in this room for a while, or maybe forever, what do you think?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N) So that was the end for our two dorks, I hope you liked the Epilogue, thank you all for reading! I hope we'll meet again! Please leave a review, I'd love to hear (read) what you think.
> 
> XOXO
> 
> /: Zirijava

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N) Thank you so much for reading!! Please tell me what you think!!


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